I’ve had quite a bit to unpack and process this week.
Just after I gave God the keys to the room he required of me, my resolve was tested as hard as it could be. In the past, when faced with this particular test, violent nightmares and other extreme evidences of stress would follow. This state of mind wasn’t something I wanted to repeat, so I dug in and prayed I was strong enough to withstand what I was about to face.
I came face to face with the test and I was overwhelmed with the change in me. What had once been a storm I could not withstand, a mountain I could not climb, that monster under the bed that jumps out at night in the dark, was suddenly a small, pale ghost, a remnant of a nightmare, but no longer menacing to the child within. I knew at that moment, a freedom I’d begged God for, was mine to embrace.
While I haven’t had a good night’s sleep all week, I haven’t had one nightmare. Instead of stress eating, I’ve lost 8 pounds in about 10 days. Though earlier this week my neck and shoulders ached from stress, and I fought back nausea for a couple of days, by the end of the week I felt lighter than I ever have in my life.
God is good.
Even though Sunday morning I found myself slipping back into a couple of behaviors I have fought so hard to overcome (which made me fear the onset of nightmares and stress all that much more), I decided Tuesday night to begin to focus on all the good things that are happening as a result of giving God the keys and allowing him to heal me. Those behaviors are now at bay. I cannot fathom the end of this journey right now, but I am in the fast lane and I am trying so hard not to get disoriented and just take the healing as it comes.
First, I let him in the room he required, then I was faced with a test that almost made me want to lock it back up… but I persevered. Then, today, while shredding old bills and such, I came across a pile of notes and letters from the time when I first began this journey of healing in counseling, some seven years ago. I had always planned to burn these papers, but never had the opportunity. I had forgotten about them until they appeared in a pile marked, “shred.”
I have to add that God’s timing is about ten kinds of ridiculous in my human mind, but I know God’s timing is perfect… because he lives outside of time.
I started reading where I’d been and my stomach began to churn. Finally decided I didn’t need reminded… and through the shredder those pages went, one by one, never to be read again.
I want to get to the point where I can’t remember what I’ve forgotten, and I think I’m well on my way.