The following story was born because of a movie buff named Greg. He’s my friend Sharon’s uncle, and while we were at his house in Felton, he handed Sharon’s husband, Thomas, a DVD of The Magnificent Seven and told him he HAD to see it. In fact, he asked Thomas to write a report on it. Sharon, Thomas and I were discussing this proposed report and decided that Uncle Greg would get his report – but it wouldn’t be what he expected.
Thomas watched the movie while I was in San Francisco. When I got back, he and Sharon were discussing the proposed movie report/review and Sharon thought we should spin it a bit. In Thomas’ job, he experiences people who live in an alternate reality in their minds, so as we talked, The Magnificent Seven started to take on a whole new personality.
After I got back from vacay and my brain had time to rest, the following is what I came up with for Uncle Greg’s report/review. Keep in mind I’ve still yet to see the film in its entirety, and any similarities to the actual movie are not really… all that intentional.
The Magnificent Seven, the real story.
Chris Adams has a problem. His life as a bicycle cop in Monterey has him bored to tears. So, on the advice of his boss, Chief Calvera, Chris decides to go on vacation to spice up his life a little. While relaxing in a little village in Mexico, Chris goes into a coma after he goes horseback riding and gets bucked off his horse.
Our story begins when Chris wakes up in a tiny village in old Mexico… the old Mexico full of cheesy costumes, bad Spanish accents and classic cowboy lines like, “We deal in lead, my friend.” The villagers insist that the infamous bandit Calvera, who has continually raided their village of peasant means, will be back to finish the job and they beg Chris to help them.
Chris, a big hearted, bald, chain-smoking bicycle cop, now hidden beneath black Old West clothing and a tough as nails demeanor, believes he is dreaming, back in the sanitarium, or at worst, in purgatory, but he decides to help the villagers. Chris walks the town in search of help from the villagers, but he soon realizes he is in a town full of pacifists and will have to call on some old friends to help him defeat Calvera.
Chris, now off his schizophrenia and multiple personality disorder medication since he is in old Mexico where those medications haven’t been invented yet, calls upon the voices in his head for help, voices he hasn’t heard in years.
“We need a Personality Posse,” Chris muses.
The first personality to resurface is Chico, who apparently likes math and is from Chris’ left brain. “This is the kind of arithmetic I like,” Chico has been known to say. Chris could never really trust Chico, so he sends him on his way. Chico, however, is persistent, and lurks in Chris’ mind just out of his consciousness, until Chris finally decides to activate him and allow him to join in the plans to defeat Calvera. Chico also represents Chris’ libido, as he is constantly distracted by a peasant woman named Petra.
Next, Chris’ bff personality Harry Luck resurfaces. Harry’s Achilles heel is greed, and he believes Chris is going to get rich off this venture, so he’s all in.
After Harry starts dreaming of counting his pesos, Vin pops back into Chris’ consciousness. Vin, who looks remarkably like a badly made Steve McQueen clone, represents Chris’ addictive personality, as he has just gone bankrupt from his gambling addiction. Since Harry believes he’s going to get some money taking down Calvera, Vin can’t help but tag along.
Chris searches his mind for the worst of his deeply hidden, splintered personalities. He chooses Bernardo O’Reilly, who needs money as much as Harry and Vin do, but in O’Reilly’s own mind, he’s just an eccentric millionaire who likes to chop wood and he takes the job for kicks.
Chris also calls on Britt, who is lightning quick and likes shiny things, particularly switchblades. Britt also has an affinity for Schlitz beer. Finally, Chris allows Lee to join the posse. Lee has a pretty face, but is on the run from the law because, as he proudly boasts, he has no living enemies.
Chris believes that seven is a good number of voices to listen to, and seven isn’t necessarily a crowd, so he and his newly formed Personality Posse ride to the next village and buy some guns and ammo from the great great grandfather of a future arms dealer. They return to the village to make good on Chris’ promise to help.
Chris, and alternately, the Personality Posse, train the villagers in early era peasant guerilla warfare. Chico keeps getting distracted by Petra, and the villagers don’t seem to notice or care that Chris talks to himself quite often.
Calvera returns to the village and gets in quite a snit over the villagers hiring Chris to train them in early era peasant guerilla warfare. Calvera leaves the village, but Chico wanders off and discovers that Calvera has plans to teach the peasant villagers a lesson.
Chris and the Personality Posse debate over whether they should leave the village and chalk the failure up to lessons learned. Vin isn’t sure they should honor their contract, but Chris and a majority of the Personality Posse overrule him, reasoning that since they’ve gotten the villagers all riled up with a heightened sense of self esteem and a desire to lay down their lives for freedom, they should stay and fight.
An anonymous member of the Personality Posse decides to make a preemptive strike on Calvera’s camp and off they go. Unfortunately, they have a “d’oh!” moment because Calvera isn’t there. He has already made it back to the tiny town and conquered the villagers, who cannot carry out early era peasant guerilla warfare on their own.
Chris and the Personality Posse return to the village and stare down Calvera, but Chris blinks. Calvera, feeling slightly intimidated by the crazy American who argues with himself, takes Chris’ guns and banishes him from the village.
The Personality Posse is outraged and forces Chris to return to the village the next morning to show Calvera who’s boss… all, except Harry, who is counting his pesos and decides to sit this one out.
During the heat of battle, Harry feels a little bit like a git for leaving Chris and the rest of the Personality Posse in the lurch, so he goes back to help out and ends up getting killed. Of course, an extra personality, when it is killed in the mind, can never resurface in reality.
O’Reilly, who earlier had given a rousing speech to some villager children of how brave their parents really are, dies saving the urchins. Lee and Britt also die in the battle, proving that lightning speed isn’t always quick enough and that living enemies can really be annoying.
The villagers are inspired by the bravery and sacrifice shown by the Personality Posse and suddenly they have a total recall of their early era peasant guerilla warfare training and start throwing chairs, rocks, axes, sticks, and whatever they can find at Calvera and his men.
Chris finally shoots Calvera. Calvera wonders, as he lay dying, why an American who mumbles to himself would help a bunch of Mexican peasant villagers, but dies before he can have the epiphany.
After the dust settles in the village, all that remains of the Personality Posse are Chico and Vin. Chris is feeling rather lonely as only two voices are heard in his head and he isn’t used to the echo. Unfortunately for Chris, Chico, who has long been distracted by Petra, decides to stay behind with her in the village and start a family. Chico retreats to the far recesses of Chris’ brain, and is never heard from again. Now, Chris is left with Vin.
Chris and Vin ride out to the cemetery to pay tribute to the rest of the Personality Posse. Chris stares at the graves stoically, knowing he will never hear from them again.
Chris says to himselves, “Only the farmers won. We lost. We always lose.” Vin, thinking that defeating Calvera was definitely a win decides that Chris is too pessimistic for his own good, and decides banishment to Chris’ grey matter is a better option than listening to Chris’ negativity, so he disappears into the recesses of Chris’ mind and renders himself mute.
Chris finds himself alone again… without the aid of medication. This notion frightens him so much, he awakens abruptly from his coma. He decides to leave the hospital and enjoys the rest of his vacation on the beach at Cabo, watching local children make sand castles with their imaginary friends.