Many people are not just assessing this past year, they are pondering the ending of the first decade of this century. While I can see the value of re-evaluating and seeing how far we’ve come as a people or even on a personal level, I can’t seem to get myself into the mood to look backward, or even into my rearview mirror.
All I can seem to do right now is look forward.
I’ve been off work since Christmas Eve, which has been wonderful. It’s been over two years since have had this much time off and nearly a year since I’ve been off for more than a long weekend. It’s taken until yesterday to truly feel myself relax. I went to a movie (Avatar in 3D) and then I drove around to a couple of stores and looked at furniture (which I’ve had very little time or energy to do).
I’ve been sitting on the floor or in a camp chair since I moved last April. I decided that I would never buy furniture if I didn’t let go of the old, broken, uncomfortable items first. I never dreamed it would be eight months later that I would have an actual chair to sit in, but here I am, in this beautiful, comfortable chair.
Granted, my tastes are not necessarily wholesale, discount, but my checkbook right now is. I went first to Danish Impressions to let myself dream of what one day my living room will look like, then I drove to TABS and walked the whole store before I found this leather recliner. It was already discounted, on sale, and they took an additional 20% off. I couldn’t believe the price (about $200 less than I had budgeted for) and the salesman delivered it himself when he got off work so I wouldn’t have to pay a hefty delivery charge (TABS is less than a mile from my place).
I was feeling pretty good about the whole deal when I went to talk to E & C in my apartment complex’s management office. I asked about how much my rent would go up (I got in here on a very generous deal last spring) and E said that they had decided all rents would stay the same (and would even for my very generous deal).
I started crying and if you know me, I have always been uncomfortable with my tears. Usually, if I’m crying, I’m angry, and most often with myself. Then I grabbed E and hugged her (twice). I had been contemplating moving again if the rent went up too high and now, through even more generosity from strangers, I can stay in this apartment that I really, really like…and I can do so without sitting on the floor.
After my chair was delivered, I sat in it and cried some more, completely overwhelmed by God’s provision, and grateful beyond words. I have been mocked, belittled and teased for my decision to get rid of my old furniture and not run out and buy new items (with money I don’t have) by people who either have more cash than they can spend, or who choose to live shackled by debt (and I have tried that route and it is not a good way to live!). One even said they wouldn’t come over and visit me until I had furniture. These people do not understand how far I’ve come in how I respect money, and/or they don’t comprehend the concept of waiting on God for anything, and I have a feeling my chair will not be good enough for them because there is only one. That’s ok. They can kiss my… floor pillows.
To the people who came over and enjoyed my company and hospitality while sitting on cushions on the floor, you can take turns sitting in this comfy chair. I know you rejoice with me and my blessings, because you loved me before, when I had very little, and you will remind me if I forget how blessed I am. To you, I am so very grateful for you friendship and support.
A friend reminded me recently that I have to let go of what I was to be anything else in the future and she’s right. I remember what I let go of to have what I have now, and as I nearly fell asleep in this chair last night, I thought of all the things I want to do and hope to be and began to visualize what I must let go of in order to become what I know I can be.
I don’t make resolutions, but this I know, change is coming, and I will not fight it if I can help it. I’m up to my neck in water borne outside of my comfort zone and I need to just lift my legs and go with the flow and see where I go.