Posted in Yahweh's fingerprints


2010 has been one of my most challenging years yet. It’s not that I think any year will be easier than the other, I just usually have some hope of a break from the snares I still struggle with.  If only I could spray some kind of teflon on my legs so when the snares come back to grab me, they would slide right off when they come a snaring.

I often feel like Gandalf in that scene in Lord of the Rings, Fellowship of the Ring, where Gandalf is fighting the Balrog and after the Balrog is falling into the depths, seemingly defeated, he reaches up and snatches Gandalf by the legs and pulls him into the abyss.

Gandalf had the right idea.  He took a stand.  He fought.  He slammed his staff down and declared, “You. Cannot. Pass!” I’ve done this myself. I’ve declared myself free by the power of the Holy Spirit that lives in me.  I walk away. I move on. Then, out of nowhere, I’m blindsighted, I’m gasping for my life, and I’m falling into the abyss again, and I want to avoid the abyss at all costs.

I think my problem is I forget that I can fight while I’m in the abyss and after the snare is defeated for good, I will emerge stronger than before.  Then I remember that to become Gandalf the White, Gandalf the Grey had to die in the abyss and dying is not the desired result of any activity to a human being.

I suppose for most how we deal with death and dying is an internal struggle between leaving what we love and know vs leaving it all behind for the mystery of eternal life.  We’ve heard the reports, read the books, and some of us have even had those brief moments where we were dying and had that glimpse of what is to come.  From what we’ve been told, heaven and eternal life is by far a better place and circumstance than the one we dwell in now.  
I know that Gandalf’s death in the abyss was symbolic of dying to self. To be greater, he had to die and be reborn. Made new. This process cost him everything but what he gained in return made all that he’d lost a distant memory.


I seek to live, breathe & work creatively. Late bloomer. I survived breast cancer and so much more. I will meet each challenge w/determination, badassery & sass!

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