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For the past 30 days or so, I’ve been averaging 3-4 hours of restless, interrupted sleep. Most of the time, I can fall asleep just fine, but usually I’m awake again an hour or two later.

I’ve seen the “sleep doctor,” and done the whole battery of tests. I have a circadian rhythm disorder called Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder, and looking back on my life I’d say I’ve had this my whole life.

I have memories of sitting in my window sill after I’d been put to bed, and I’d watch the stars come out. This was in the Majenica house before we moved to the farm in the mid 1970’s. I remember waking up in the middle of the night all the time on the farm. After my stay in the hospital when I was 14, it only seemed to get worse.

The insomnia/DSPD isn’t new to me.

I’ve had my thyroid tested and I take that medicine faithfully, yet I feel that part of my hormonal imbalance hasn’t been fully explored. I also take Tamoxifen, which I am chained to taking another 6 years. I take allergy meds. I am on a med cocktail that I have to take.  If there are any side effects, they exacerbate what already I already experienced.

I just finished 30 minutes on the exercise bike and I’m sitting in front of a light therapy machine.  I’m trying. I remember the sleep doctor saying my only other hope would be more medication. I have taken Ambien recently, but even that is only yielding 4 – 4.5 hours of sleep a night.

I’m not stressed out.

I’m not depressed.

I’m plenty tired.

That’s where I’m most frustrated.  I’m doing yoga. I’m meditating.  I took enough melatonin and GABA the other night to tranq an elephant, but I still woke up two hours later.  I’m doing all the things that are supposed to lead to a good night’s rest. I’m not getting the rest I need.

After a few nights of very little sleep, I feel as if I’m losing my mind. I don’t like that feeling.

Hopefully I will find the formula for a good night’s sleep soon.

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I’ve been lingering right under 50 pounds in my pursuit of losing 100 pounds. I have been at the gym quite a bit lately, and I know that’s holding the scale hostage somewhat. I am going broke buying clothes and have purchased my last until January unless I go through such a weight loss spurt my pants won’t stay up.

I’m trying to save money, which isn’t easy where I’m at right now. Redoing my wardrobe every six-nine weeks isn’t helping, nor was that $1000 worth of deductibles from the robberies. I’m going to Hawaii in March, regardless.  I will figure it out.

My trainer said I was pushing myself too hard. I never, ever, thought I’d hear a trainer tell me that, but she did. I tried to tell her that if I give in to the fatigue or side effects of the Tamoxifen, I will never reach my goal. This is my life now. Push, push, push. Rest on the weekends. Push, push, push.

It would help if she wouldn’t start me out with 50 pounds on certain apparatuses, but she does. I give it a shot, but usually have to cry uncle. Loudly. Then she looks at me and says, “I keep forgetting you are over forty.”

Between my trainer and the aqua fit class, I am usually exhausted by the time Friday night rolls around. Not a weekend party girl, anymore. I’m not boring, I just need the rest.

Yes, I do have more energy than I used to. Much more. I feel so good most days.  Still not sleeping well. I don’t think I ever will. So I will sleep somewhat adequately and keep pushing.

Those who know me wouldn’t expect anything less.