I was thinking about my brother Scott today, much as I always do in January. I can hardly believe it’s been a dozen years since he left us. For the first time though, I have made it through the first part of Suckuary without too many emotional outbursts. These outbursts sneak up on me and those who don’t know the history of Suckuary don’t know or understand. They just think I’m crazy or too emotional. Maybe I am, but at least I am, because going through life as a zombie who doesn’t crave brains is no way to live.
I try not to dwell on the pain. I’ve tried instead to dwell on the happy. Still, the subconscious can be a battlefield sometimes. I’m doing better, but I know it will always be a struggle. People who’ve never lost a sibling or a parent won’t understand, and I hope they don’t for a long, long time. It’s an inexplicable loss regardless of the relationship you’ve head with either.
At least I’m busy this year. I’ve got a boatload of changes ahead of me. The first quarter of this year will be a challenge for sure. I find out Tuesday when I will be having my RNY Gastric Bypass. In the midst of all that, I have started new job duties which includes an entirely new, complicated software system, worked a lot of overtime (which means inadequate rest), and I’m still seeing my very patient trainer at LA Fitness. I’m literally weeks away from hitting a reset button of sorts and while I’m excited and ready to get started, part of me wonders a little if I can handle all this change at once.
Change comes, for sure. Always. Every day is different. Something in life changes every new morning. People call or they don’t, it rains, or it doesn’t, the sun comes out or it hides behind clouds. The car is clean, the tank is full, the windows are dirty, the commute is full of red or green lights. The coffee is too hot or just right. No day, no hour, no minute is ever the same.
Yet we fight change like it’s this menace that will destroy us. I’ve found that, with change, it’s the fight that destroys us more than the actual change does. If we just lift our feet and embrace the change, we tend to come out with a lot less scratches and bruises because we were open and flexible instead of scared and rigid.
As these rolling waves of changes come, may I roll with them, gracefully.