I saw this quote the other day and it made me smile:
“I still have bad days, but that’s okay. I used to have bad years.” – Anonymous
It made me smile because I know, in my life, it’s true. I’m looking forward to the time, though, when I can say, I still have bad hours, but that’s okay. I used to have bad days.
I never thought of myself as brave, but it took all the courage I had, plus the encouragement of many others, to seek the help I needed to end my bad years. Seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength.
The scariest part was relinquishing control… but once I got the help I needed, I saw clearly that I never had it. I clung to control like it was my sanity, but in reality, control was driving me insane.
God used many things in my life to bring me to a point where I let go. I let go of pain and regret, of shame and guilt, and He delivered me from the bondage of crippling perfectionism. I’ve come so far, and the bad years shrunk to bad months, and then bad weeks, and then bad days… and that’s okay.
I still have a long way to go to get to bad hours. I still let the issue of control through the back door to taunt me, but somehow, with God’s help, I don’t let it grab me. If I could only find the strength not to grab it instead. I still have to tell myself that it’s not perfect, and that’s okay, but I’m usually over that rather quickly, having found that mistakes make my black and white world very colorful.
I’m still learning to let go of everything I feel that’s keeping me from moving on to bad hours. I still fear success. I’m trying to let go of that. I still fear intimacy. I’m trying to let go of that, too. I know you’ll find it strange (people who’ve been through what I have probably wouldn’t), but I still have to check a door I’ve just locked more than once (and I do know why I do it), but I no longer stand in front of a locked door for a half hour crying because I can’t walk away from it. I’d like to be able to lock a door and just walk away from it without checking it, and I’ve actually done that a time or two recently. I’m hoping it gets easier to walk away as I let things that keep me in bad days… go.
The victories are small, but they keep me hopeful.
I still have bad days, but that’s okay. I used to have bad years. Amen.