I see this sign in Kelly’s window every day as I walk into work. Since I’m on the outside looking in, the sign says “EVEILEB.” I chuckle, because when I read it backwards my brain scrambles it a bit and I see “EVELIEB” instead. As a result, I get to my office thinking of Dear Eve.
Let me explain… no, let me sum up (Princess Bride).
Eve + Lieb = Eve, being the first woman God created (the mother of all living), and Lieb, the root of the German word for love – used as “dear.” I know this is random, but I see Kelly’s sign and I think of Dear Eve… and how Eve just couldn’t let go of her desire to be like God and know…everything. Because of that control issue… well, read Genesis 3 in The Message and you’ll find out the rest of the story if you don’t know it already.
I can understand Eve’s issue with wanting to know everything. Not knowing undoes me in oft ugly and unladylike ways. Sometimes not knowing makes me more than a little crazy and when my heartbeat returns to normal, I am usually thinking, “who was that?”
My insanity can be triggered by many things. For example tonight, not knowing when the downstairs neighbor would quit vibrating my floor with his stereo made me get a bit nuts. I even went down and knocked on his door, which of course he couldn’t hear and thus didn’t answer (and I would have been nice about it because I breathed deeply all the way down the stairs). I ran back upstairs thinking, “are you crazy?! Let it go!”
It’s a control issue when I can’t let go. I know this. Fortunately, I only went crazy for about ten minutes, then, much to my relief, my neighbor left. All is calm.
This event is what started me on this blog post, because doggone it, I was watching the Colts game and thou shalt not interrupt Shae watching her boys in blue… even when they’ve switched to Spanish commentary due to issues with the audio (though we were back to English again in the first quarter). I have been waiting for this game with great anticipation for weeks… and between the Spanish (which I barely have a grasp of basic words) and the vibrating floor (which is not only a control issue, it’s a PET PEEVE), I lost my composure.
I managed to only knock three times on the wall (like he’d hear that either) and I’ve improved because there are no bruises or blood (the old me was more nuts than I am now, trust me) and I didn’t pace or curse, though I did ask (rhetorically, but loudly) “what is he doing down there?!”
Still, when my heartbeat returned to normal (when I was locked safely back in my apartment) I had to ask myself, “Who was that?” and “Why does she still get the better of me?” I have to remind myself that I’m still going to have moments when I forget that I don’t have control to begin with. Never had it. Never will. (I see Kelly’s talking about control issues, too).
The distance between being all Sha’crazy vs. calm is growing ever shorter, and I do recognize my insanity and can put a stop to it much more quickly, but I’ve still got a long way to go. I can’t wait to go to sleep.