OUT OF CONTROL

I have many things in my life that are “out of control.” Ten years ago, that fact would have terrified me and let me straight into a depressive spin. Now, I find that fact so liberating I almost want to bake a vegan cake to celebrate.

WEIGHT LOSS: I am down 54 pounds as of this morning.  I have absolutely no control over my weight’s descent right now. I can speed it up a bit with cardio, but in reality, right now, the weight comes off of its own free will, or the weight plateaus of its own free will. I can only do my part – exercise and eat right – and leave the rest up to the tool the surgery gave me.

I am still adjusting to the byproducts of weight loss. Buying new clothes (it’s so expensive!) and continually changing the way I eat. Now that I’m gluten and dairy intolerant, I have to cook a lot more than I used to, but I’m loving it. 

The best byproduct of the weight loss is, however, the confidence. I thought I was confident before, now I feel unstoppable. That notion is actually very humbling.  I am blessed beyond measure right now. 

OTHER HEALTH ISSUES: I am experiencing some very real, very troubling pain in my joints, especially my knees, hips and back. The current diagnosis is that the pain is due to a hormonal imbalance that, unfortunately, cannot be balanced right now. I am on an estrogen blocker (Tamoxifen) and I’ve lost a lot of fat cells (that store estrogen) so it’s all out of balance. I can’t take estrogen (my cancer was estrogen positive), so I’m stuck. My doctor said as long as movement alleviated the pain, it was hormonal and not rheumatoid arthritis and not to worry.  Just move. Easier said than done some days.

PHOTOGRAPHY: My plans to launch my own photography site, do shoots, and sell prints came to a screeching halt by cancer interruptus. The last two years I’ve had to pour so much time into getting healthy again that this project had to take a back burner and there wasn’t much I could do about it. I had to let go of my plans, but now I’m working on my site again and am hopeful about 2014.

I have many other out of control things I’m juggling right now – work, hobbies, life. I just need to remember I really don’t have control over any of it and I’ll be fine.

I remember when I was paralyzed by the illusion of control. One thing would go “out of control,” and the anxiety level would climb so high I’d be ill from it. Then one day, I realized control is an illusion. Nobody really is in control of random happenings, the only thing I control is how I react to all the random.

Yes, I still get stressed, but I am happy with where I am right now, even though so many things are up in the air. I can relax because even though nothing is under control, I’m still ok.  

Let go of the illusion of control. Relax. Nothing is under control… and that’s an amazing feeling.