S. A. D. AND TAMOXIFEN WITHDRAWAL

I am not a big fan of the fall time change.  To be honest, I’m not a fan of time change for daylight “savings” at all.

I grew up in Indiana, where until recently, Daylight Savings Time did not exist. Until I moved to Houston, I had no idea how to change the time on any appliance or vehicle that I owned. The only reason I knew that time had “changed” everywhere else is because network television shows came on later or earlier.

Though I’ve been off Tamoxifen now for 2.5 months and the improvements have been slow but steady, I must now prepare myself for the inevitable effects of S. A. D. – Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I know it’s a good thing, a very, very good thing, that I will not be on Tamoxifen while I deal with SAD (dealing with both made winters hell), but I am not looking forward to what the time change brings for me.

A good friend reminded me that SAD was coming and I needed to adjust my expectations of how I’d feel free from Tamoxifen to accommodate what SAD does to me.  She’s known me for twenty years and was even my roommate for a time so she has experienced SAD me firsthand.  Come Spring, she reminded me, I will really notice the difference between Tamoxifen Me and Free-From-Tamoxifen Me and I needed to be patient with myself (which she knows is a huge challenge for me).

Many people in my life have been waiting for Free-From-Tamoxifen Me.  I feel a bit of pressure to perform differently to adjust to their expectations – that I will snap back to the person they remember before I had cancer.  I’ll be honest, I don’t want to be the person I was before I had cancer.  The Cancer Crucible was awful and merciless, but it changed me forever. Now that I’ve accepted that change, I can’t go back to Pre-Cancer Me. I wouldn’t even know how if I wanted to do so.

One difference during this SAD season is that I will not be on Tamoxifen, which I hope will reduce the fatigue and depression that usually hits me this time of year.  I have my artificial sunlight lamp at work and I am moving during the day at my standing desk and I am going on vacation, which will provide a tremendous boost.

Acknowledging my limitations is more difficult than people who don’t have physical or emotional limitations could possibly understand. I am comfortable in my own skin, in my own brain, in my own emotional state. I confront my limitations head-on and try to stay ahead of the oncoming storm. Most of the time, I’m victorious. Sometimes, I am not.

Most people love me anyway and appreciate the effort I still have to exert to go to social gatherings, but there are some who still roll their eyes when I decline an invite.  These same people have made snarky comments to me when I do show up at events or gatherings.  I chalk that up to their immaturity and lack of empathy, but it’s very difficult for me to let those comments slide when I’ve made significant effort that they cannot possibly understand just to show up.  Those comments and judgements make me less inclined to put in the effort if I know those people will be in attendance.  I don’t need the drama, especially if I’m already fatigued.

I have more energy now, that’s a fact, but that doesn’t mean I will jump back into the deep end of the social event pool, especially when some types of events or people at those events suck the energy right back out of me.  I’m still going to be choosy about what I choose to do and whom I choose to do those things with.  It is what it is.  Even if all the planets align and it’s the perfect event for me to attend, sometimes, I still can’t and I have to let myself stay in timeout regardless of whether anyone understands that or not.

That said, I want to hang out with my friends, but I need to dial back the expectations for myself – expectations of others be damned. I’m easing back into the fast lane at my own pace, with my own goals, with my own agenda.  The only person I have to please is me. It’s amazing how true that statement really is.

Next week, I will be on vacation with my best friend. I have been looking forward to this for countless months.  I am thrilled that I will be able to pour more of myself into this time together than I have been able to over the past few years, but I will admit, there are going to be times when I am not going to be able to keep up and I know she will understand that.  She’s worth any effort I have to reach deeply for and I know we will have a great time together. Her understanding is worth its weight in gold.

I think the reason I have adjusted to this aspect of my life is because I have adjusted the expectations I have for myself. There is no huge gap between what I want to do and what I can do. I am happier than I’ve ever been because I’ve made that adjustment – and others would be happier if they’d adjust their expectations of me as well.  Their happiness, however, is not my responsibility.  I can’t change others, I can only change me.

One Comment Add yours

  1. Jacki Bishop says:

    I am so glad I stumbled across your blog. The little girl in “untitled” is me & went straight to my heart. I am finding my own voice. I’m a Leo & should be roaring, right? I am beginning to find her. Part of this process is to boldly reach out to you. I normally would not post something like this but your situation is tugging at my heart & if there is a way I could help, then I must say something. I believe I know of something that can tremendously help you this winter with S.A.D., allergies & possibly weight loss.

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