Posted in commentary

THE FACE OF EVIL

For the last few days, news web pages, blogs, and everything in between, has been plastered with pictures of Seung-Hui Cho, the college student who murdered 32 of his classmates on Monday.

The media coverage of this tragedy is hardly a surprise. As human beings, we can’t help ourselves. Our curiosity must be abated. I’ve sat in front of the tv for hours watching news coverage of such events over the course of my life – the assination attempt on Ronald Reagan, the Challenger disaster, the Oklahoma City bombing, the events as they unfolded on 9-11, the water as it rose in Houston during Tropical Storm Allison, desperate people waiting on the tops of their homes in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, and many more. I couldn’t tear myself away from the tv as I watched these riveting events unfold.

On September 11, and during Tropical Storm Allison, Jene’ often told me to turn off the tv (during 9-11, most channels carried the coverage and there wasn’t much else to watch) or to turn the channel. I would get so wrapped up in what was going on on tv that I began to feel stressed out over it.

Media coverage gives us the “next best thing” to being there. We are in the victim’s families’ faces, right behind the microphone. We are on campus, at the foot of the towers, in Mission Control… and we’re there over and over and over again.

Monday, I checked a news website while I was waiting for my lunch to heat up and the headlines brought tears to my eyes. At the time, it was 20 students believed dead on the campus of Virginia Tech. Later, it was revealed that 32 bright, vibrant people lost their lives.

What we were shown over the next two days was the face of Seung-Hui Cho, the murder, who unfortunately left behind film footage – more proof – of his insanity. We were subjected to this tape over and over again, hearing his hatred, his diatribe. Meanwhile, the 32 victims and those who survived were sidebars.

Even if Cho had not made the now infamous tape, we still would have had to look at his face splashed across the front pages of newspapers the world over. By Wednesday morning, I couldn’t turn on the news or check major newspapers’ sites because I couldn’t look at the face of evil any longer. When I stared into that man’s eyes, it made me shiver. I can’t imagine what having to see that picture did to the families and friends of the 32 lost.

I had to stop reading and watching the news because all they wanted to show was the gunman and his tape. By Wednesday noon, however, the media finally heard the outraged cries of thousands of people from all over the world who were outraged that Cho’s tape was given the light of day and they finally backed off and took his picture off their front pages and stopped broadcasting his hateful dialogue.

I understand that a journalist feels the need to share every detail of such a story with the public, but why not post a transcript of the tape rather than show it ad nauseum? His hateful diatribe was broadcast for all to hear, broadcast where others who are on the same troubled frequency as Cho would gain inspiration. No one disputed Cho’s claim of martyrdom (by the way, martyr’s DIE for the cause, they don’t KILL for the cause), but played his tape over and over until we are well aware of what was on his mind.

But what about those 32 lights he snuffed out? What about the man who survived hatred during the holocaust only to be gunned down later? The young man who stood between a girl and a gunman? Their hopes? Their dreams? The thing that disturbs me most about the media coverage is that the evil was the main event – at least that’s what their coverage showed. Finally, days later, we are seeing glimpses of what the world lost on Monday. I think the stories of the 32 are more important than the 1.

So many dreams were shattered Monday. I don’t know how people who have been put through something like that regroup and move on. Their lives have been forever altered.

Ten years from now, people will gather to remember the 32 who lost their lives. Unfortunately, unless the media changes the way they handle their reporting, we will hear a brief blip about remembering what was lost, and we’ll get an eyeful and an earful of the face of evil once again, prominently displayed.

Posted in random

CAFFEINATED SOAP?!

I read a story today about caffeinated soap. Yes, that’s right, it’s soap that will perk you up while cleaning you up. Made by the folks at thinkgeek.com, this soap is designed to give you a buzz within five minutes.

As someone who isn’t on friendly terms with mornings, this sounds promising, but one might wonder if the soap would be necessary if I could get a good night’s sleep.

Sleep is something I’ve always struggled with. Years ago, I had horrible insomnia. It plagued me. No matter what I did, even with pills to help me sleep, I couldn’t get a restful sleep. Because of what I was wrestling with internally, at such a deep level I couldn’t understand, and from the insomnia, I felt like an insane person most of the time. (where was the caffeinated soap then? ha ha)

About six years ago, when I entered counseling, something amazing happened. I started sleeping – at least four consecutive hours a night – enough for REM sleep. As I dealt with what was going on inside me and started sleeping, dealing with what was going on inside me got easier. Finally, after several months of counseling and many a good night’s sleep, I stopped feeling like I was on the brink of insanity.

I still have sleepless nights, nights of fitful sleep, nights where I toss and turn, and nights when I wake up often. For the most part, though, those nights are few and far between. By dealing with what was bothering me on the inside, the insanity doesn’t rob me of sleep anymore.

I tend to get adequate sleep now, and though I’m still a non-morning person, I don’t know if I really would want some caffeinated soap, but I know some college students (who never sleep) who might buy it by the case.

I know this is really random. Maybe I’m just tired.

May the zzzz’s be with you, but if not, buy some caffeinated soap.

Posted in Yahweh's fingerprints

RAINFALL…

I’m listening to the sweet sound of rainfall. I’ve always loved rain. I don’t know if it’s the smell of rain, the sound, or how beautiful it looks at times when it falls, but I love it. It’s soothing to me, much like the ocean when the waves crash ashore.

When I was a kid, I used to tape the sounds of rain and thunder on my tape recorder and listen to it on days when rain was scarce. The sound was that soothing to me. Growing up on a farm, rain was either your enemy (too much or too little) or your salvation. I remember years of both.

Rain always takes me back to God and his power and creativity, his cleansing and renewal. Rain is cleansing and renewing but too much of it can wreak havoc and destroy. Only God could create and control something that is at times beneficial or catastrophic.

When the rain stops, perhaps I’ll sleep, but for now, I’ll listen.

Posted in vacation

CALIFORNIA UPDATE…

I JUST BOUGHT MY PLANE TICKET TO CALIFORNIA!!

I am a bit excited. 🙂

Just a bit.

Jene’ worked her magic and got me a good price and I don’t have to change planes or get up at the crack of dawn. She’s such a bargain diva.

Did I mention I just bought my plane ticket for my first vacation in YEARS?

I think you may have heard me the first time, but thanks for letting me say it again. And I’ll probably say it again.

And again. ha ha

Posted in music

TAKE THAT – PATIENCE

I hope this works. I love music and want to include more of that in my blog. I was watching the BRIT Awards Saturday night after I put the kids to bed (I was babysitting). I saw the regeneration of Take That (early 90’s Brit-pop supergroup that featured the now solo Robbie Williams) and fell in love with this song (which won an award). Loving all things Brit, I thought I’d post the lyrics and song from Youtube.

Patience

Just have a little patience
I’m still hurting from a love I lost
I’m feeling your frustration
That any minute all the pain will stop
Just hold, me close, inside, your arms, tonight
don’t be too hard on my emotions

‘Cause I, need time
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I’m still healing
Just try, and have a little patience

I really wanna start over again
I know you wanna be my salvation
The one that I could always depend
I’ll try to be strong believe me
I’m trying to move on
It’s complicated but understand me

‘Cause I, need time
My heart is numb has no feeling
So while I’m still healing
Just try, and have a little patience
yeah have a little patience, yeah

‘Cause the scars run so deep
It’s been hard
But I have to believe

Have a little patience
Have a little patience
Woah, Cause I, I just need time
My heart is numb has no feeling
So while I’m still healing
just try, and have a little patience
have a little patience
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I’m still healing
just try, and have a little… Patience

Posted in about shae, Yahweh's fingerprints

I STILL HAVE BAD DAYS, BUT THAT’S OKAY…

I saw this quote the other day and it made me smile:

“I still have bad days, but that’s okay. I used to have bad years.” – Anonymous

It made me smile because I know, in my life, it’s true. I’m looking forward to the time, though, when I can say, I still have bad hours, but that’s okay. I used to have bad days.

I never thought of myself as brave, but it took all the courage I had, plus the encouragement of many others, to seek the help I needed to end my bad years. Seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength.

The scariest part was relinquishing control… but once I got the help I needed, I saw clearly that I never had it. I clung to control like it was my sanity, but in reality, control was driving me insane.

I let go of pain and regret, of shame and guilt, and He delivered me from the bondage of crippling perfectionism. I’ve come so far, and the bad years shrunk to bad months, and then bad weeks, and then bad days… and that’s okay.

I still have a long way to go to get to bad hours. I still let the issue of control through the back door to taunt me, but somehow, with God’s help, I don’t let it grab me. If I could only find the strength not to grab it instead. I still have to tell myself that it’s not perfect, and that’s okay, but I’m usually over that rather quickly, having found that mistakes make my black and white world very colorful.

I’m still learning to let go of everything I feel that’s keeping me from moving on to bad hours. I still fear success. I’m trying to let go of that. I still fear intimacy. I’m trying to let go of that, too. I know you’ll find it strange (people who’ve been through what I have probably wouldn’t), but I still have to check a door I’ve just locked more than once (and I do know why I do it), but I no longer stand in front of a locked door for a half hour crying because I can’t walk away from it. I’d like to be able to lock a door and just walk away from it without checking it, and I’ve actually done that a time or two recently. I’m hoping it gets easier to walk away as I let things that keep me in bad days… go.

The victories are small, but they keep me hopeful.

I still have bad days, but that’s okay. I used to have bad years.

Posted in random

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO SHIRLEY TEMPLE MOVIES

1. A dilapidated, drafty, cold attic can be a warm, inviting palace if you use your imagination… and have a rich neighbor who will buy you whatever your heart desires and delivers it when you’re asleep.

2. The Good Ship Lollipop is indeed a sweet trip, and the calories don’t count when you eat the candy on an airplane.

3. Rich benefactors love little girls with 50-56 golden curls bouncing on their sweet little heads who can sing, dance, and make even the most cold hearted, callous heart melt with her smile.

4. The Queen of England gets whatever she wants.

5. Miss Minchin needs some hormone treatments after the surgery to install her heart.

6. When life gives you lemons, sing about lemonade.

7. The adoptive parent patch is only a song and dance away.

8. Everybody smokes, and it’s okay, it’s just a movie. They’re not really inhaling.

9. Men will turn their whole bachelor world upside down for curls and dimples.

10. Cute little girls on airplanes don’t need to wear safety equipment, especially after they stow away and are flying during the worst storm of 1934.

11. All butlers and maids can sing and dance.

12. You Gotta S-M-I-L-E to be H-A-Double-P-Y.

13. If you eat animal crackers before bed… you’ll walk around like Noah’s ark.

14. You can dance around with the greatest of ease in little wooden shoes. Sounds painful to me.

15. When I grow up… I just might be an artist, or an author writing a famous book … When I grow up.

THE END (AND IT’S A HAPPY ONE)

Posted in Yahweh's fingerprints

WHEN I GET MY WIRES CROSSED

The other night Jene’ was looking at my satellite receiver, trying to hook up a new gadget she’d bought. She looked at me and asked me if my VCR and DVD player worked.

“Yes, they’ve worked all along.”

She looked at me again and shook her head. “Sharon, this is… hooked up… twice.”

Huh? “Well, it works.”

“Sharon, with it hooked up this way, the signals are fighting each other. That’s why you aren’t getting the best picture.”

Really, I hadn’t noticed.

Story of my life.

Finally, Jene’ fiddled around with the back of my TV, satellite, etc, and hooked up the auxilary units as they’re supposed to be. She shook two coax cables at me and explained how I’d done twice as much work as I’d needed, and I wasn’t getting the best picture possible out of any of my auxilary units. After she was finished, the picture was clear – from all units.

That’s the way it’s always been with me. I take on a project, work on it, get everything hooked up so it works, and I think I’ve done a pretty good job. I’m satisfied with everything and I might even pat myself on the back. Of course, the picture’s always been a little “off” in my life and I don’t notice it’s a little “off” because I’ve never really had a clear picture to compare it with. It looks normal to me and in my life, the shortest distance between two points almost always involves extra, unnecessary cables.

I guess the idea is to keep fiddling with the wires until I get it right, to not stop just because something’s working – but keep trying to see if there’s a better way before I let myself feel satisfied.

Someday, the most efficient way may come more naturally to me, but until then, I need to remember the best, and shortest distance between two points … should involve the least amount of cables.

Posted in about shae

SPEAKING UP

Tuesday morning, I did something I haven’t done since college. I spoke in front of 20- 25 people.

On purpose.

That I recall, I have not spoken in front of a group of people (on purpose) that numbered more than 20 since I was in my late teens/early 20’s — and that was for a class and I had to do it to pass the class. Yes, I have spoken to my Bible study group (30+), but that was for about 90 seconds and it did not require an LCD projector… and these women seem to love my stories.

This time, I wasn’t telling stories, I was talking to the upper staff at work about a project I have been working on for several months. This in itself didn’t set my nerves on edge. I was fairly calm about speaking to these people (I did have a butterfly or two, but a very manageable butterfly) and had mentally prepared myself for it and several different scenarios that might pop up.

Funny how I can do that now. If I had done this even two years ago, I would have been a mess and cried and would have begged my boss not to make me do this (and probably thrown up either before or after). As it was, I know I could have asked to be let out of this, but I decided to tackle this fear head on and take responsibility for my work and not hide behind my perceived inadequacies.

In other words, I put on my big girl pants and did what I needed to do.

Truthfully, I was most nervous about whether or not the equipment would cooperate and whether or not I would forget all I needed to say. What broke the ice? I spilled grape juice on the white shirt I was wearing underneath my blue v-neck shirt just before the presentation began (it was a breakfast meeting). This is when I thanked the Lord the presentation with the LCD projector would require the lights being turned down. I started laughing at my unwise choice of beverage as my boss’ boss’ boss (or is that boss’ boss’ boss’ boss?) sat down next to me and said he was glad to have me at the meeting. It was good to know people were glad I was there.

After it was all over, the staff applauded and I felt relieved (and my boss let me go back to my office). I also felt proud I was able to do this and I even borderline enjoyed it. I never thought I’d say that or be able to say it. I received several compliments from staff members and it was a real boost to my confidence to be able to take ownership of my project in this way.

I still have a ways to go, but it’s nice to see some progress.

I am now available for speaking engagements. Contact my agent, Jene’. HA HA HA!

Posted in vacation

CALIFORNIA TRIP UPDATE

The first weekend of my California trip promises to be busy. So far, we’ve planned to go to Lake Tahoe for two days, then I hope to see my aunt and her family sometime that weekend as well.

After a recovery day from all that, I hope to go to San Francisco with my personal tour guide, Meg. We’ve been discussing where I’d like to go and so far, we’re going to try to do everything in one day (ha ha).

Here are some possibilities so far:

Coit Tower – which promises some great views.

The Golden Gate Bridge and Golden Gate Park which are high on my list.

Pier 39 , which is mostly shopping, so we may skip that and Fisherman’s Wharf .

And of course, who wouldn’t want to see Alcatraz?

That’s the update so far. I am still very excited about this trip… can you tell?