Posted in about shae, allergies, bariatric surgery, breast cancer, health, relationships, weight loss

ONE OF THOSE DAYS (I want my life back)

I had a low grade fever most of the day, and though I wanted to be home in bed, since I have dismally few sick days I pushed myself to go work. I had wanted to go out tonight and be with friends, but the fever didn’t leave.

I cried all the way home. I am more than frustrated with the state of me right now. I am a breast cancer survivor, 1.5 years now, and though I got to live I didn’t get my life back.

Don’t read that as I have nothing to live for, I do. I just never thought that this far down the road I’d still be trying to get my legs steady and back under me. I’ve spent all month wishing the color pink didn’t exist as it is a bright pastel reminder that though I’m a survivor, I’m still trying to find my way back to myself.

It’s incredibly difficult to express how I feel, and even more difficult when I can’t even figure out what to say. People who have not had breast cancer or an illness that totally changes their lives have no idea what I’m going through. For them, I no longer have breast cancer. Everything is great, right?


I don’t feel sorry for myself. In fact, I swim in a pretty steady stream of optimism most of the time. As I wait for weight loss surgery that will hopefully turn some health issues around for me, impatience is an unwelcome nag – a constant reminder that I’m not where I want to be.

I’m actually ill more than I let on. I catch everything these days. Compound that with my daily dose of allergy havoc, and my body feels lousy most of the time. I am saddled with a profound tiredness every day. My brain, when not having Tamoxifen/Lexapro delays and lost moments, is actually pretty active and eager to move life along.

I know many people whose bodies do not keep up with their brains, wishes, and hopes. I am now one of them. Throw aging on top of that mess and I feel ancient in my bones. I’m not ready to relinquish my spirit to that notion.

Doctors and friends promise me that after surgery, the energy will return as the weight falls off. I will sleep better. I won’t have to worry about my heart’s current issues. My plantars fascia won’t have as many issues carrying weight around. My knees will stop hurting. I won’t be sick all the time. I might get to stop taking a pill or two.

I want to believe all that. I really do. On days such as this, however, I just can’t, especially when I feel truly alone right at this moment. I know that will pass, but I can’t tell you how much I miss presence, something I had a satisfying portion of before cancer. Now, I know I don’t have enough. Thank God for the friends who meet me more than halfway when I need it and especially for the ones who come 90% of the way when 10% is all I have to give.

I’m so thankful for the few faithful that are ever-present, the ones whom I’m never out of mind when I’m out of sight and the ones who are never out of sight when I feel out of my mind. I love you all and I’m grateful you are on this journey with me.

Now for more meds and begging God for a good night’s sleep.

Posted in allergies, creativity

SASSY SACHETS (for the girl who’s allergic to everything)

I recently purchased a new dresser, much smaller and more realistic in size.  I have been waiting to move the items I want to into it, but it has not lost that “new” smell no matter what I put/spray in the drawer.  I really don’t want my clothes to smell like that.
Since I am allergic to most fragrances, simply putting any sachet in the drawer is risky for my sinuses.  So, one of the nights this week I was wide awake I pondered a solution.
Knowing that baking soda absorbs odors, I knew it would be the main ingredient.  What I didn’t have was something to put it in that would let it breathe and absorb without making a mess.
I was in Walgreen’s picking up yet another prescription and saw those little nylon ankle stockings in the little plastic balls 3 for $1.  I held up my prescription bottle and remembered I had several empty at home.
I could see the light go on over my head in the mirror above the product shelves.

1 empty prescription bottle (the bigger ones are better/easier)
1 pair of nylon crew or knee highs
3 tablespoons of baking soda
1 martini or other shallow, wide-mouthed glass/container
By the way, I did this without making a mess.

Stretch one of the nylons over the mouth of the martini glass.  Scoop 3 tablespoons of baking soda into the martini glass.  Take the nylon out of the glass and tie off the top.  Cut off the excess nylon.
Carefully stuff the soda-filled nylon into the prescription bottle.  Wrap the bottle with the second nylon so the top of the bottle is covered.
Notice you have not made a mess and tell yourself maybe Tamoxifen hasn’t completely eaten your brain!
I ran out of bottles believe it or not. I had thrown away quite a bit, so as a backup, I just wrapped the inner nylon with the outer nylon and set it on a paper towel just in case.
I will update when I can tell how well they work.
* Yes, I know they have those nifty boxes of baking soda that you can rip the side off and it breathes, but those were too big and I felt those were overkill for these tiny drawers!