relationships – Sassy Dreams Awake

CANCER, community, COVID, Grief, Pandemic Social Distancing, relationships

Impromptu Immunocompromised Support Group

Posted on October 15, 2021October 15, 2021 by sassysheisme

I had my oncologist checkup today. The doctor was running way behind. I was in the waiting room for nearly an hour, I didn’t mind. I started a Covidiot Support Group while I waited.

There were three of us waiting. All of us got to talking about dealing with the unmasked and unvaccinated and the choices we have to make with people, especially those close to us.

One has had to tell family to stay away for about a year now. They are angry with her because they can’t come visit her toddlers or their son, but they flat out refuse to get vaccinated or wear masks. This lady is undergoing chemo and literally has a chemo port sticking out of her chest. She is immunocompromised and is taking care of herself. Instead of understanding, the family tells her she’s selfish for keeping the family apart, making her the bad guy and telling all who will listen how selfish she is. Projection is a mofo.

Two has had similar issues because she’s also immunocompromised and she has an 11 year old in school (who, if it’s not already available to him, will get a Covid shot for his 12th birthday). She has relatives who don’t care if she’s compromised, they want to see the kid who can transmit it to her easily. I don’t envy that tight rope. She’s had to be the selfish bad guy, too.

Two’s kid attends HISD, which defied a gubernatorial mandate to not mandate that which has been scientifically proven to reduce cases – masks. Because of masks, HISD kids are less at risk. HISD has roughly 197,000 students and 27,000 employees. As of today, community control has been achieved with less than 200 cases in HISD per day. Masks. Work.

Me? I’ve had to draw some boundaries with people, and damn, is it difficult. I am immunocompromised. I have to keep these boundaries in place. There are unvaccinated people all around me. If you want to see me, you wear a mask, we go outside, and you have to be vaccinated. Period. Dot. It flabbergasts me how people can take my desire to be healthy personally, but they do.

I am not selfish, I’m practicing self-care. I am diligent. I am doing whatever it takes to stay healthy so I can live my life to the fullest. I am not the bad guy. How can I be the bad guy when all I’ve done is draw a line that requires someone to do something free (that will protect them also) or wear a piece of cloth on their face so they don’t potentially make me ill? I had some unvaccinated people socially distance visit and wear masks. They obeyed those boundaries (this was before Delta). They worked with me. I love them for that. I’ve had to get stricter as the virus gets worse.

Interestingly enough, when I was going through cancer treatment and had to be extra careful then, some had no issues doing whatever it took so they could come see me and love on me. I did the same for my brother when he had leukemia. I had to wash my hands to my elbows, wear gloves and I wore the mask and I did it with all the love in my heart so I could be with him.

The difference now? I can’t wrap my brain around it, because I think it will hurt more than I want it to. There are some people, however, who love in words and not in action. And right now, I need the action. One, Two and I need that action, intent and sacrifice, and trust me, we rarely, if ever, ask for it.

Now we’re asking for it and we will continue to do so because in our cases, it’s not about them. It is about us. Our health and well being, which includes our mental health.

One and Two were pretty pumped up when I went back to the doctor’s office. So was I. It’s been a long haul. I’ve lost people to Covid, and I still can’t believe they’re gone. No funerals. No memorials. We’ve all been through a lot and there is a clear path to victory but only the selfish bad guys seem to want to get there (which includes those who are vaxxed to protect themselves and others).

I get it, some can’t be vaxxed, and they need the same boundaries I do because of it. I feel for them. I’m sure some treat them like selfish bad guys. To those choosing not to be vaxxed, these are the boundaries we have to have to stay healthy. Please don’t take it personally. We love you, we really do. We’d like to stay healthy so we can come see you again one day. Hopefully sooner than later.

I am so grateful for those who are doing whatever it takes for me to have a safe trip for me to see my Bestie and my family next month, and who do whatever it takes to hang out every now and then. I am worth a piece of cloth over their mouth and nose. Why is that so hard to say? Why do I have to say it?

One day, this pandemic will be in the rearview mirror but the boundaries for some may not be. I will continue to stay healthy, including my mental health. I will continue to evolve. I’ve learned so much during this pandemic. Upward and onward.

about shae, badassery, fearless, relationships

Because I’m Worth It

Posted on January 19, 2020 by sassysheisme

One year someone said they pitied me for being alone on my birthday and not having anyone to buy me flowers or jewelry or whatever they thought a birthday gift should be.

Let me set the record straight. Again.

I’m never truly alone. I’ve had dozens of well wishes and phone calls. I was with a bunch of ladies at the salon this morning. I had great convos at Starbucks and with the nice lady at Smallcakes. Yesterday I talked with my Bestie for two hours. I’m also very fine company all by myself. Don’t worry, I’m good.

As for gifts… I buy myself flowers and not just on my birthday. They are always my favorites. I buy myself some fine jewelry, and it’s always exactly what I wanted. I’m particularly fond of my new rainbow topaz ring and matching earrings.

I know being alone on any given day makes most people uncomfortable. I am not one of those people. While I enjoy the company of many, I am just as happy going out by myself, whether that be for coffee, dinner, a movie or shopping.

If you are someone who waits for someone else to pamper you or buy you gifts, I hope you have someone in your life to do that for you so you do not remain in a constant state of disappointment. If you are there, by yourself, may I suggest making yourself happy. Buy the flowers. Get the ring. Treat yourself to a manipedi.

I’m worth it. Someday I hope you know that you are, too.

about shae, allergies, bariatric surgery, breast cancer, health, relationships, weight loss

ONE OF THOSE DAYS (I want my life back)

Posted on October 31, 2012 by sassysheisme

I had a low grade fever most of the day, and though I wanted to be home in bed, since I have dismally few sick days I pushed myself to go work. I had wanted to go out tonight and be with friends, but the fever didn’t leave.

I cried all the way home. I am more than frustrated with the state of me right now. I am a breast cancer survivor, 1.5 years now, and though I got to live I didn’t get my life back.

Don’t read that as I have nothing to live for, I do. I just never thought that this far down the road I’d still be trying to get my legs steady and back under me. I’ve spent all month wishing the color pink didn’t exist as it is a bright pastel reminder that though I’m a survivor, I’m still trying to find my way back to myself.

It’s incredibly difficult to express how I feel, and even more difficult when I can’t even figure out what to say. People who have not had breast cancer or an illness that totally changes their lives have no idea what I’m going through. For them, I no longer have breast cancer. Everything is great, right?

WRONG.

I don’t feel sorry for myself. In fact, I swim in a pretty steady stream of optimism most of the time. As I wait for weight loss surgery that will hopefully turn some health issues around for me, impatience is an unwelcome nag – a constant reminder that I’m not where I want to be.

I’m actually ill more than I let on. I catch everything these days. Compound that with my daily dose of allergy havoc, and my body feels lousy most of the time. I am saddled with a profound tiredness every day. My brain, when not having Tamoxifen/Lexapro delays and lost moments, is actually pretty active and eager to move life along.

I know many people whose bodies do not keep up with their brains, wishes, and hopes. I am now one of them. Throw aging on top of that mess and I feel ancient in my bones. I’m not ready to relinquish my spirit to that notion.

Doctors and friends promise me that after surgery, the energy will return as the weight falls off. I will sleep better. I won’t have to worry about my heart’s current issues. My plantars fascia won’t have as many issues carrying weight around. My knees will stop hurting. I won’t be sick all the time. I might get to stop taking a pill or two.

I want to believe all that. I really do. On days such as this, however, I just can’t, especially when I feel truly alone right at this moment. I know that will pass, but I can’t tell you how much I miss presence, something I had a satisfying portion of before cancer. Now, I know I don’t have enough. Thank God for the friends who meet me more than halfway when I need it and especially for the ones who come 90% of the way when 10% is all I have to give.

I’m so thankful for the few faithful that are ever-present, the ones whom I’m never out of mind when I’m out of sight and the ones who are never out of sight when I feel out of my mind. I love you all and I’m grateful you are on this journey with me.

Now for more meds and begging God for a good night’s sleep.

pics, relationships

NEVER FORGOTTEN

Posted on December 9, 2009October 30, 2012 by sassysheisme

You are missed, as always.

Never forgotten, always in our hearts.

We’ll see each other again

and eat “Old Lady Cake”

and laugh and tease as always.

This is your birthday, dear brother.

Your sister loves you.

Lent, pics, relationships, Yahweh's fingerprints

KEYS

Posted on February 26, 2009February 29, 2020 by sassysheisme

Lent is upon us again.

Last night I made pancakes for two friends and we enjoyed each others’ company and enjoyed a tradition of what many do the night before Lent. We celebrated Fat Tuesday, the last night for forty days to indulge before entering a season of reflection, prayer, and fasting.

After my friends left, I pondered what I might learn during this Lenten season… Many things entered my mind, but nothing concrete hit me as I fell asleep.

When I woke up, however, I was overwhelmed by a deep notion that there was more of me left to heal. The heart of a terrified, eight-year old girl that I’ve tried to protect all my life. The age when I recoiled slowly inside myself, when I truly believe I lost the road map to what it truly means to be a woman… losing the desire to be feminine, the “weaker” vessel, when I made myself tough and self-reliant.

Long story short, though the adult me has found healing, I’ve protected the child inside me from having to deal with the abuse. While I’ve known that deep down somewhere… I just never could acknowledge it.

I began to cry and tried to get on with the tasks at hand – getting up, eating breakfast, going to work. I kept crying. I was so overwhelmed.

I’ve done so much soul-searching lately and I blame/credit/acknowledge that’s because I have this new set of little brothers (which is odd to say because they’re both so dang tall) who help me more than they know. Both these guys approach challenges in different ways and both are wise beyond their years. They have each taught me more in such a short time than I could possibly teach them in a lifetime. Fun thing is they really don’t know it and I can picture both faces if I actually said all this to them. Above all, they make me laugh and smile, which are gifts I cherish in friends.

One brother has been a steadfast rudder in my life. He isn’t predictable by any means, but I know exactly what to expect from him. He speaks softly, but the weight of his words often hits me between the eyes with some force. He has such a peaceful soul, and has been so tolerant and understanding and willing to put up with me being all over the map sometimes. He gets excited about my dreams and discoveries. He is a gentle man who weighs his weighty words and finds something good to say about everybody and everything or he won’t say much at all. He’s someone I want to be like when I grow up.

The other brother, whom I only recently connected with, but feel like I’ve known forever… He’s the one who asks me all these soul-searching questions (and I’m like, do you even know me?!) that I’ve actually let myself think about and even dare to answer. When he commits to someone or some thing, he is ALL in. He ponders deeply, and is my complex, but transparent (to me) onion.

Oh, those walls, those shields… I know what they are. I’ve lived with them for 32 years. The extra weight of protection. The sarcasm. The toughness. The “at arm’s length.” The list is long. What I do know is that these walls keep me closed to love and keep me from truly pursuing my womanhood fully.

Yes, I am a woman. Yes, I do many feminine things, but I never have embraced my femininity. To embrace that part of myself, I have to let go of some fears and lies. I have to unfold and let that 8 year old girl, still innocent, who loved flowers and kittens and dolls and dresses grow up outside that room that I’ve protected her in and let her experience life out here, come what may.

The door creaked open and I can’t describe what I feel right now. Just know this is the scariest thing I’ve ever done because it’s from the scariest place I’ve ever been.

I’m still not certain what any of this means for the next forty days. Lest you think I will start wearing lace and hot pink… you would be mistaken. I don’t know that this is what that is about. What I do know is that as these walls fall down, I will know myself more intimately than I ever have before.

What I have discovered by re-examining the past few weeks, though, is that I find myself discovering more what it means to be a woman by being book-ended by two people who know how to treat someone who is vulnerable and in the midst of change.

As the walls fall down, the more I am able to freely give of myself in creative ways, and I look forward to that over the next forty days as well.

I go to sleep tonight so grateful, so encouraged and hopeful.

Buckle up, y’all. It’s going to be an interesting ride.

about shae, pics, relationships

WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS

Posted on December 9, 2008October 30, 2012 by sassysheisme

Today would have been my brother Scott’s 43rd birthday. I think about him often and have many pictures that bring back happy memories.

Macho man reading The Little Ballerina to his sister.

My first band. Maybe Scott wanted to be Lawrence Welk?

We were always out in the snow!

Just after my first major, major haircut… after which my mother cried for days. The little twerp in front of me is my little brother, Danny.

On his birthday in 1994 with his daughter, Ashley.

Happy Birthday, Scott. You are missed, but never, ever forgotten.

friends, relationships, Yahweh's fingerprints

FOR MY GROWING

Posted on April 29, 2008October 30, 2012 by sassysheisme

The last couple of weeks have stretched me tremendously. For months now I have seen my comfort zone in my rearview mirror, but now I think I’ve changed zip codes.

I’ll blog about my weekend retreat later this week. It was amazing and a real growing time for me. Tonight, though, I wanted to sit and process the end of an era in my life.

My roommate is sleeping in her new apartment tonight and for the first time in seven years, I am living on my own. God worked it out that we would only live 100 steps from each other (yes, I counted), but still, it feels incredibly odd that she won’t be living here anymore. Her leap of faith was a hop, skip and a jump, but she took it nonetheless. Hopefully she’ll take me up on my offer to do laundry in return for baked goods and we’ll see each other more often than not.

I look back at the last seven years and look at how much I’ve changed and I thank God for such a patient and understanding roommate. She helped me through some of the darkest times of my life and we’ve had many fun moments together as well. She has helped me navigate the minefield that is my life and I’ve emerged with all my limbs intact. I am grateful and know that relationship will continue, but it will be different… and I have to embrace that change.

Tomorrow night I will come home late and find my apartment half empty. While I’m excited to see what God has in store during this growing time, my heart is a bit sad. 100 steps away is a lot farther than five.

relationships, Yahweh's fingerprints

THE LOVING KIND

Posted on April 6, 2008 by sassysheisme

Killing someone’s dreams or doing whatever it takes to stunt someone’s growth is one of the most cruel, most heartless acts of selfishness that one person can do to another.

I’ve been so guilty of this that I cannot throw stones at the people that are just as guilty of such a horrendous act. I’ve also been in someone else’s fearful grip so I know both sides of this coin. The only thing I can do is take what I’ve learned from both experiences and help those I see whose dreams and growth are being squelched escape the dark vacuum, help their dreams come true and help them reach their full potential.

I remember when I allowed myself to be ruled by fear and held onto the things I believed I couldn’t live without so tightly I squeezed the life out of them. Because of fear, I lost all those things anyway, and in most cases, left them damaged as well.

Sometimes, I still get scared I’ll lose something and I can feel my grip tighten. Everything in me wants to hold on with both hands and never let go. Then I remember what it felt like to be in that chokehold and I have no choice but to let go. At times, this is a daily process for me, but I refuse to be ruled by fear and instead I have to give faith and hope a chance to work their miracles.

If you love something set it free… is one of those worn out sayings usually stuck on a sign with birds that are flying away… but it’s a mirror of truth that reminds me that to offer someone I love the freedom to be themselves, or the freedom to reach their potential is the most loving thing I can do.

I must continue to be loving to myself as well. I must let go of the past and allow myself the freedom to reach my full potential. The more I grow, the more loving I will be, and when I look back at my life, I want to be remembered as the loving kind.

pics, relationships

REMEMBERING

Posted on December 9, 2007October 30, 2012 by sassysheisme

There you were, just out of the corner of my eye.

Tall and whole… smiling.

Still in your prime, still strong, still here with me.

Then I blinked and saw reality.

But I know where you are, and I will see you again.

Whole and strong…smiling.

Happy Birthday, Scott.

relationships, Yahweh's fingerprints

Posted on April 27, 2003 by sassysheisme

A PRINCESS DIARY ENTRY:

Okay, so I watched this charming little movie tonight called The Princess Diaries. I totally identified with Mia, the poor, unfortunate klutz with bushy hair and thick eyebrows (think the daughter of Groucho Marx and Brooke Shields) who finds out she’s really a princess. If you’ve seen it, then you’ll understand why I roared with laughter when, at a fancy schmancy dinner with too many forks of various sizes and costly breakable dinnerware, Mia accidentally sets the person next to her on fire. My other favorite scene was when Mia tried to put on pantyhose on in the back of the limo. Yes, I totally identify with the teenage klutz, only I am not now a princess of a small insignificant European country that is famous for its pears. Hmm…

And now, other musings:

I once prayed with a young woman who was concerned about her husband, who, though raised in the church, had now stated he no longer believes in God. Personally, I cannot imagine saying, “‘Til death do us part,” with someone and then have them say, two years down the road, “oh, by the way, I don’t believe in God anymore.” The tears this young woman shed (young 20’s) as she told me her story made my heart heavy. She was committed to staying with him, praying for him, and hanging in there with him. She was really hurting, and though I prayed with her, I know her heart still had to hurt because she could not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Have you ever left a wedding and known that “God did that,” or have you left and felt as if you’ve wasted an afternoon? I’ve seen many people I care about (who said the Christian aspect and God’s will, of course, was paramount) get married to “Christians” (see #4 from previous post) and reap much sorrow. Some gave up on the Christian aspect all together and married the man that asked, regardless of his spirituality or lack thereof. In love with being in love and not necessarily the person they married, the idea of getting married somehow threw off and overpowered their true spiritual radar and led them down the aisle of regret rather than down the aisle of celebration. I don’t know if this was the case of the young lady I prayed with or not. I do know, however, when I finished praying with her, I appreciated my singleness that much more. I would rather be happy and single than miserably married. Granted, when I was 25 I said that begrudgingly and with many tears… but at 34 I can now say it with a smile on my face and mean it wholeheartedly.

I truly admire married people who are in God’s will and make the whole marriage thing work. You know who they are… their wedding was a celebration, but more than that, they prepared for the marriage much harder and longer than they did for the wedding day itself. They are the married couple you make your boyfriend spend time with so he sees “how it’s really done.” They are the couple you most love to see fight so you can take notes on how they resolved the conflict and how they stayed married after Chuck forgot to bring the loaf of bread home after work (again). They are the couple you love to see discipline their children, manage their finances, run their home and take that cross-country vacation in the car with all of their children and enjoy the trip or at least live to tell about it. They are the couple that gently reminds you that the whole marriage thing is work, but it’s fun, frustrating and rewarding work.

I could write paragraph after paragraph about the accountability I have in this area (and many others), but I will just write one. All of us need accountability. If you start dating someone and you can’t or won’t take him to meet the people who hold you accountable, BIG FAT RED FLAG #1. If your best friend says, “What the crack are you thinking?” when she meets him — BIG FAT RED FLAG #2. If you compare this man to one half of your favorite godly married couple and he not only falls short, he falls off, BIG FAT RED FLAG #3. If you even get this far, you have to ask yourself: Is this guy worth it? Because, let me tell you, if he’s a red flag after red flag and you ignore all the red flags because you think it’s better to be married to a red flag than be single, you will be married and miserable and very lonely… because while people will be there for you no matter what, they may not stick around to watch you willingly self destruct.

Take it from this singleton: No red flag is worth it (and believe me, I’ve considered one red flag too many). I can say this with all honesty — I would rather be single and happy and free from the sorrow of a bad marriage than miserably married. I declare this often to many young people and will preach it from the rooftops even after I’m married to the man who exceeds comparisons to one half of my favorite godly married couple.