Posted in Yahweh's fingerprints

SURVIVING VS. THRIVING

Posted on by sassysheisme

THRIVE:
1 : to grow vigorously : FLOURISH
2 : to gain in wealth or possessions : PROSPER
3 : to progress toward or realize a goal

I think I’m in a post stress adrenaline rush letdown. I am very grateful to have my clean bill of health, but now that I’m through “holding it all together,” I’m in my “blah” phase. It’s not that I feed off adrenaline, it’s just that when I step out of survival mode, I’m not always sure what to do with myself.

A young friend and I were having a conversation earlier this week. I say young because she is 22 (I’m 36). The job she has right now is an important one and she is perfect for the job. Her personality is bubbly, optimistic and she is very enthusiastic.

I’ll call her Lucy and I really, really like her. She is friendly and has welcomed me into her world with open arms. Lucy is working her job until she figures out exactly what she wants to do with her grown up life. She is smart, eager, and I have no doubt that whatever she chooses to do she will thrive at. This is where our conversation started.

I have done whatever it takes to survive for the entirety of my life. Just survive. Until a couple of years ago I hadn’t had much hope of doing more than that. I work and only receive enough pay to barely scrape by, but I survive. I work at a job that is less than fulfilling but it gives me what I need to survive. My car barely runs now (and breaks down every few months or so) but it gets me to the job that gives me what I need to survive. Just survive.

Lucy is at that crossroads where she realizes that she is just surviving and is wondering which path will help her thrive, not just survive. Thriving, in Lucy’s world, is an expectation. When I was 22, the thought of doing anything more than surviving didn’t even occur to me. Thriving was something other people did. Surviving was all I could do… all I was equipped to do.

I looked at Lucy, her eyes still full of possibilities and enthusiasm, and smiled. I wished at that moment I could have 14 years of my life back and know what I know now, but I’m also old enough to know that wishing hasn’t helped me get out of survival mode.

“Lucy,” I said, “I’ve been in survival mode all my life and if you wait too long, you will get stuck there.”

With her trademark exuberance she oozed, “Oh, I won’t! I don’t have a plan but I have it all under control.” Believe me. She really thinks she does. Obviously she hasn’t heard my roommate say, “Man plans and God laughs.” I digress.

Then I told her I was tired of just surviving, that really, what I was doing wasn’t bad necessarily, but it just wasn’t what I felt I should be doing, and it definitely wasn’t going to help me thrive.

And thriving is what I desperately want to do.

While Lucy and I continued our conversation, I actually started to feel like my survival mode was about to kill me, but I didn’t feel all that hopeless about it. I told Lucy I had turned a corner in my life where it wasn’t just enough to survive but that I’d been doing it so long I didn’t really know what to do with myself.

So I’ve turned a corner. That felt great. And then I immediately saw a crossroads just beyond it.

Lucy bounced away from our conversation, still having it all under control and still convinced she’s not yet stuck in survival mode. Good for her. I hope it all works out the way she’s planned, though I know it won’t… but I also know that can be an incredibly wonderful thing.

I’m off to examine the directions leading from this crossroads. I’ll let you know how it goes. What I do know is that survival mode is in my rearview mirror, and as it gets farther away, I feel that much better.

Posted in weather

RAIN, RAIN, AT LEAST LET UP!

Posted on by sassysheisme

It’s been raining all day. It’s been a rainy “winter” in fact. It’s supposed to rain for the next few days. Today it was 70 and humid, by Thursday it will be a low that night of 40. I LOVE this weather. NOT!

It wouldn’t be so bad if every parking lot around my workplace didn’t flood. Only one parking lot exists that doesn’t flood and it’s nowhere near my office. Since the major freeway construction, the flooding in our parking lots has been worse, but at least the access road between us and the freeway is free of flooding now.

Shae row your boat ashore, allelujah…

Posted in kids, pics
Posted on by sassysheisme


My Safari/Princess/MardiGras wedding with Princess Butterfly Bob the Builder as one of my attendants… the things I do for kids…lol — her little face is omitted because I’ve not obtained permission to post from her parents yet… Posted by Hello

Posted in breast cancer, holidays

GONNA PARTY LIKE IT’S MY BIRTHDAY

Posted on by sassysheisme

Wait… it is my birthday!

I went to the doctor this morning for my biopsy results. He said I had a benign fibro adenoma, which translates into fiber lump. So, that means everything is okay and it’s all good.

Whew.

Then some friends took me out to lunch at Cafe’ Adobe, which was a lot of fun. I had some spinach enchiladas (which I also had for dinner). Later this afternoon, one of the departments I work for threw me a small gathering which featured a cake made by my roomie. She surprised me by bringing the cake to work (I knew she was making the cake, I just thought I would be eating it at home). The cake was a hit. Not one piece left. When she remembers the recipe, I’ll share it with you.

Tonight has been a quiet one, catching up on bills and watching Lost , Alias, and the Kumars at No. 42 (BBC America). I’ve also been a bit contemplative, just thanking God for his goodness and provision once again. It’s almost as if I’m so grateful I can’t find the words… so I won’t try anything fancy. I think, “Thank You, Lord,” will have to do for now.

Posted in breast cancer, commentary

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE HMO HELL TUNNEL

Posted on by sassysheisme

Well, I’ve had my biopsy. I went in early Monday morning to the Breast Clinic. When I signed in, I wrote them a check for $100. Fortunately, they called and told me a few days beforehand that I would have a significant copay. If they had told me, at 7:15 am (and only minutes past coffee ingestion) that I owed them $100 when I was thinking about a much lower amount, I would have passed out. As it was I had all weekend to figure out what Peter had so I could rob him and pay Paul (aka the Breast Clinic). These copays are killer and I could really whine, but I won’t. (I don’t really like myself when I whine). I feel really sorry for Peter, who is always robbed to pay Paul and I’m pretty sure Paul never pays him back. I’m just so grateful I’m not paying the full price for all of these visits and procedures. I also know God has provided in a many a pinch before and I know He won’t let me down now.

I was glad that I didn’t have to wait long. During times of stress if I contemplate too little, I explode, yet if I contemplate too much I implode. It’s a fine balance I’m still learning how to manage, but I’ve gotten better at it. At 7:30 I was ushered into the changing room, where I was given a small shirt with only two snaps at the top. Showing more midriff than Britney Spears, I was then taken across the hall by a nice female technician.

Tech explained everything to me in fine detail without talking down to me. This was very appreciated. She did an ultrasound, showed me what they were going to do and how they were going to do it. She told me when or if it would hurt. All appreciated…and so was the orange anesthetic (lydocaine).

The doctor came in and did his own ultrasound. He told me he was going to do a biopsy (incision) rather than a needle aspiration. The procedure was over before I knew it and I really didn’t feel any pain. I watched it all on the monitor. It was so cool. The only thing that made me wince was the tissue taker. I don’t know what else to call it. All he said was, “you’ll hear one click, then another.” What he should have said was, “you’ll hear me pump the shotgun slowly.” I wasn’t even looking at it, but when it “clicked” I almost jumped.

I was praised that I didn’t bleed more (ha, that is so rare) and instructed about wearing ice in my bra for the next hour and then alternating ice/no ice every twenty minutes for the next three hours. Check. Don’t lift anything heavy. Check. Check. No strenuous activity. Check cubed.

Before the procedure was finished, however, the doctor inserted a “marker” that will show up on all future mammograms that will tell anyone who sees the film, “abnormality was right here.” I won’t be able to feel it, but it’s there. Unfortunately, this meant I had to have another mammogram so they’d have a record of the marker in case they have to go back and do another procedure.

I thought they were kidding. You don’t smash something you just cut open, right? Wrong. Thank you, Lord, for Lydocaine…Lydocaine that doesn’t wear off quickly.

Then I stuffed ice in my bra and was on my way home by 9 am.

I was a little sore yesterday, less sore today, and I’m sure by tomorrow I’ll feel even better. Thanks to all of you who remembered I had this procedure done and did not HUG me when you saw me afterward. 😉

After one more follow-up visit (on my birthday no less), I’ll be HMO free for a while. I’m almost out! Again, the thought of having to pay for all of this without going through hell makes me sick to my stomach, but what most likely would have happened was I wouldn’t have gone to the doctor at all if I hadn’t had the insurance. I think healthcare should available to everyone regardless of their ability to pay but that’s a whole other debate…

Posted in Anglican

THE FEAST OF LIGHTS

Posted on by sassysheisme

Sunday was the first Sunday after Epiphany (January 6th, the 12th day of Christmas).

Epiphany n (first in print in 14th c): a festival observed on January 6, commemorating the coming of the Magi as the first manifestation of Christ to the Gentiles; an appearance or manifestation esp. of a divine being; a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something; an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking.

After celebrating the Feast of Lights with a candlelight service there was a full on fireworks display afterward. For some reason, the symbolism of taking the light of Christ out into the world was very powerful, but even more powerful was the explosive power of the fireworks.

Sometimes the light is a flickering candle, subtle but effective, but at other times the light of Christ explodes the darkness and fills the sky with light. At times the light can disorient those who have walked in darkness for too long, but ultimately, the darkness has parted and the light has changed the person forever. It was quite an intense image for me as I stood there on the front lawn of a church surrounded by the city of Houston with fireworks exploding overhead.

Only those who celebrate Epiphany would understand a fireworks celebration after church on a seemingly random Sunday. I wondered how many people were roused from their homes only to look up into the night sky and see a “random” fireworks display (which, inside city limits, can only be done with permission). They probably thought, “Oh, it’s those crazy Episcopalians again,” but I’m hopeful that at least one thought, “I wonder what those crazy Episcopalians are up to. Maybe I should go check it out.”

Posted in holidays

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Posted on by sassysheisme

Sorry I haven’t updated in a week or two. I’ve been navigating my way through HMO hell and getting back into the swing of things at work after 10 days off.

WEDNESDAY, January 5h

Went to Austin with Jene’ to see Railroad Commissioner Victor Carrillo take the oath of office for his elected six-year term. It’s one thing to elect an official, but it really takes on a whole new meeting to see the official actually swear he will uphold his duties and do the job to which he’s been elected.

Of course, Jene’ had parking angels once again and we had the fourth parking spot down from the capitol on Congress St. Don’t ask me how she does it.

We arrived about an hour early and went to the senate chamber to wait for the family. Victor came in with Laura, 16, and Christina, 13. While Jene’ tuned Laura’s guitar, Christina and I went to look for a bathroom.

One might think finding a bathroom would be simple, but the only obvious bathroom is on the first floor for the tourists. On the second floor, it’s a little bit trickier if you don’t know what you’re doing. Christina concluded that the only bathrooms must be on the first floor. I explained to her that I was positive the people on the third floor did not have to descend two flights of stairs with full bladders. Finally, we asked a nice man where the restrooms were and he directed us to where we had already looked, but the door was back in the corner and we had to make a couple of extra turns to get there. Bathroom problem solved.

Christina and I made our way back to the senate chamber. Still no other members of the family had arrived, but Jene’ was seated in the row behind Laura. I was priviledged to sit behind Victor’s parents, Bernardo and Alicia, and the ever in motion Christina.

A bagpiper opened the ceremony. Or, as Christina referred to him as, “the kilt dude.” Victor said he wanted to honor his wife’s Scottish roots, pointing out that Carrillo doesn’t sound all that Scottish. Jene’s dad prayed and then Laura sang the “Star Spangled Banner.” Christina led the Pledge of Allegiance, and then Texas Pledge: “Honor the Texas flag; I pledge allegiance to thee, Texas, one and indivisible.” No, I still don’t have it memorized.

Laura also sang, “Be Thou My Vision,” which led her father to tears and also earned her a thumbs up from the governor. Victor had a curious case of “cedar fever,” which I thought meant an allergy to cedar trees but really means your eyes water during emotional parts of your oath-swearing speech. He had a really, really bad case of cedar fever.

After the ceremony, we went to a reception room behind the senate chamber. Grace, Victor’s 4 year old daughter, was eating some cake with me. My icing was blue and hers was red (it was a Texas flag cake). I stuck my tongue out at her and asked her if my tongue was blue. She said yes and stuck her tongue out.

“Your tongue is red!” I told her. She smiled and said, “We are America!”

Of course then there was some discussion about the white iced pieces of cake, but she was then distracted by some raspberries and, surprisingly enough, raw broccoli.

Later, a woman approached me and chatted me up and was asking me about the cookies at the reception. I knew that either Victor’s wife Joy, or one of the girls had made cookies, because Christina had mentioned them during a barrage of words meant to be a sentence. The woman began to compliment me on the cookies and I realized…This woman thinks I am Joy. I simply nodded and told her that Christina had mentioned them when she and her dad had arrived earlier. As the look of puzzlement crept across her face, another woman approached her and took her to the other side of the room.

I wanted to laugh out loud. Yes, Joy and I are both blonde, blue-eyed, and very, very pale. That’s about the only similarities we have in appearance. Nevermind that Joy is five inches shorter than I am and weighs half as much!

The temperature dropped twenty degrees from the time we entered the capitol to the time we left two hours later. We stopped by Aunt Frances’ house to exchange Christmas gifts with Jene’s parents and then we HAD to go to the original Chuy’s before we drove through the rain back to Houston.

All in all, it was another memorable, fun day.

Posted in holidays, pics, weather
Posted on by sassysheisme


More Christmas Eve snow. Posted by Hello

Both pictures taken by Jene’ (c) 2004

The snow didn’t end yesterday morning. I drove through the snow on the way to Christmas Eve service and when I came back outside almost two hours later, my car was covered in snow! The ground was too warm to hold the snow for long, so the snowman was made from the snow on my trunk.

Other areas near Houston got as many as 10 inches. I couldn’t believe it. In Galveston, people were making SNOW ANGELS on the beach. Totally crazy, but we had fun.

Sadly, the beady-eyed snowman melted just two short hours later and tomorrow it will be 60 degrees. However, this will be a Christmas to remember because of our flaky visitors!

Posted in holidays, weather

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME… IT’S SNOWING!

Posted on by sassysheisme

My first day off on my Christmas break, and I was sleeping in… all nice and toasty. It was about 10:15 and I heard my roommate leave to go to work. I got up to go to the bathroom and there’s this knocking on my bedroom door…

“SHARON, IT IS SNOWING!” And then she left for work.

I put on my bathrobe (it’s cold downstairs) and checked out my roomie’s weather report. There were a few flakes drifting down (when I say few, I mean like four or five at a time, but they were distincly snow, not sleet or ice). Yes, I enjoyed the intermittent flakes and they melted as soon as they hit the ground. My roommate called from her car, gleeful about every flake that hit her windshield (and we’re talking maybe six flakes), BUT…

I wrapped my fern two night ago in a towel to protect it from the below freezing temps and when the flakes hit the towel, they stuck to it!

So, it may only be a few flakes, but it’s SNOW! In Houston. On Christmas Eve.

I curled up with a cup of coffee downstairs and watched the intermittent flake or two fall, thinking, “Merry Christmas to me, there’s snow on my fern!”

I said a little prayer and thanked God for my snowflakes. I was still in my bathrobe and was about to come upstairs and take a shower when I heard someone screaming outside, “Merry Christmas! WOO HOO!”

I looked out the window again and it was SNOWING. MAJOR FLAKAGE. It accumulated on the ground for a few minutes and on hoods of cars. I grabbed my camera and ran around outside and I was having so much fun!

The girl across the way (she looked about college age) was screaming and pointing at me, “She doesn’t think I’m crazy!” and then I realized…

I’m running around outside in my bathrobe.

So, I dashed back in the house, put on some pants and a flannel shirt and ran back outside with my camera. I hope the shots turn out because it’s the only evidence I have it snowed. In Houston. On Christmas Eve.

Then I took my tiny snowman cupcake topper (you know, a head with a stick on it to decorate cupcakes) and put him in the folds of my towel that’s wrapped around my fern. Snow accumulated around him and didn’t melt, so technically, I made myself a snowman.

In Houston. On Christmas Eve.

With all I’ve been going through lately, I know it’s nuts that something that simple just totally lifted a weight off my shoulders this morning, but it did.

Amazing how the moment after I was thankful for what little snow I did get to see, the sky opened up. It was a reminder that no matter how bad things get, even if I’m not thankful, God will continue to remind me of His faithfulness even if I’m not looking.

I would still like to see “real” snowman pictures, though so if you’re snowed in somewhere and you have kids, send them outdoors on their yearly mission of mercy to make me a snowman! (don’t forget to take a picture and send it to me!)

Ah, merry Christmas to me!

Snow. In Houston. On Christmas Eve… a miracle indeed!