Yesterday one of my friends compared Tamoxifen to Liquid Drano running through the body. That’s a great way to put it.
This week was overwhelming in terms of emotional and physical stress. I won’t go into all the details, but there have been people lost to people I care about, year-end work stress, personal stress, and physical stress. I was so tired Thursday that I fell up the stairs when I got home. I was so tired I could hardly lift my feet. I haven’t been that tired in a long time. My friend Jene’ calls it TBT – Tired Beyond Tired.
I’d like to blame Tamoxifen for being so tired, but I can’t entirely. The stress isn’t helping. I sometimes feel like I’m walking on a train track and at some point there’s going to be a big train steaming toward me and I won’t be able to get out of the way. What frightens me is that I feel a bit ambivalent about it.
I have better days since I’ve been on the Equalizer. Trouble is, my body is still adjusting to the pharmaceutical cocktail that keeps me going. My brain still isn’t back on track. There are days I feel like my brain is in a thick fog. Other days I am so tired I can’t think. I want to be able to attend everything to which I’m invited, but most of the time I end up at home exhausted.
Exhausted and FRUSTRATED.
I was encouraged by many people yesterday and today, in person and online. Words are such a powerful medium in my life that to receive them in such a way from people I love gave me some much needed energy. I need to keep moving forward, even if I feel like I’m crawling.
I have three short work weeks in a row, and that will help. I have some goal reassessment to do and a plan to execute. I want my photography and writing to improve and grow and even if my body can’t keep up, I will make sure my mind will.
Right now, I have to give my permission to be Sassy, who is on Tamoxifen, and be whomever that happens to be. I need to embrace what is…and take back control of what will be, meds or not.
Thanks again for of the encouragement!