Author: sassysheisme

I seek to live, breathe & work creatively. Late bloomer. I survived breast cancer and so much more. I will meet each challenge w/determination, badassery & sass!
Posted in random

BAD CELL PHONE KARMA

Posted on by sassysheisme

My refurbished replacement phone has issues.

Most of my conversations over the past two days have gone as follows:

Caller: “Hello?”
Me: “Hello!”
Caller: “Are you there?”
Me: “Hello!”
Caller: “I can’t hear you… I’ll call back later.”

UGH.

So I called the people who replaced my phone with this lovely refurbished replacement and told them it was unacceptable.

Fortunately, I was within the 30 day window and therefore a NEW Katana II is on its way and should be here Tuesday. The safest thing I can do is text.

Sigh.

First bad popcorn karma and now this. Good thing I don’t believe in karma.

Posted in clumsy moments, random

GOODBYE KATANA BLUE

Posted on by sassysheisme

Before you get misty-eyed, I should tell you that Katana Blue was my cell phone… up until last Tuesday night anyway. Katana Blue and I had been friends since I purchased her just before my great vacation last June. She was a great phone, and will be missed greatly.

Katana Blue was a victim of my many recent sleepless nights. When I don’t get enough sleep, I start to lose what little coordination and sense I have. When I get to the point of exhaustion, especially brain exhaustion…accidents… clumsy moments happen.

I am a compulsive pre-laundry pocket checker. My mother used to raise cane if we left so much as a tissue in our pockets, which fascinated me because by the time the clothes were dry, the issue had been solved. Still, to this day, my pockets are almost always empty (my roommate washes money frequently but still claims not to be a “money launderer”). Combine my tiredness with my new cargo pants with the nifty cellphone-sized leg pocket and the recipe for disaster was complete.

I was exhausted when I came home from work Tuesday and I started my laundry. I usually have the cell phone next to my computer on the kitchen table while I cook. I didn’t even realize my phone had gone missing until the washer came to a stop. I opened the washing machine and saw a red light glowing up at me and knew instantly my phone was fubar.

I told Jene’ I was in trouble and she turned from the stove and asked me why so I held up the dripping Katana Blue with the glowing red light mocking me. I threw my clothes in the dryer and drove straight to the Sprint store and ordered my replacement phone. Thank goodness I hadn’t cancelled the insurance on the phone, otherwise Katana Blue’s demise would certainly have been more costly.

Later that night Jene’ stood in my doorway and said, “this is so unlike you because you are always aware of where your phone is.” She’s right. In 8 years as a cell phone owner, I have never lost a phone, and I can count on one hand the times I’ve even dropped one.

Yes, I almost always know where my phone is, but I’m more aware I haven’t had enough sleep lately.

Two days before Katana Blue was laundered to death, I was at the Sprint store securing a way to have internet service after Jene’ moves out. The young man who waited on me had told me he had several stories of cell phone loss or damage. His favorite? A woman who was at a club was so drunk that when she was leaving the bathroom that when she realized she didn’t have any money to tip the bathroom attendant – she gave the woman her cell phone.

I don’t think sending my phone through the spin cycle of my Kenmore will beat that story.

I had to send an email to all my friends and ask for their phone numbers and endure endless blonde jokes the next day at work. Sadly, the company that provided my replacement did not have a blue Katana. Instead, I got a bit of an upgrade to a Katana 2 Black, which arrived on Thursday. Two hours after I programmed every last number back in, I was back in business.

Tonight, I was tacking the back pocket flaps down on my cargo pants and Jene’ laughed because she thought I was sewing the leg pocket closed so I would never leave my cell phone in them again. While that might seem like a good idea given my sleepless state and propensity for clumsy moments, it is the only place I can put my phone when I wear those pants.

Instead, I will make a sign for the lid of the washer that says, “HAVE YOU EMPTIED YOUR POCKETS?! ALL OF THEM?!” When I get too tired to notice that, then you’ll be reading about the demise of Katana 2 Black.

What I need instead, is a good night’s sleep…with my phone right by my alarm clock.

Posted in relationships, Yahweh's fingerprints

THE LOVING KIND

Posted on by sassysheisme

Killing someone’s dreams or doing whatever it takes to stunt someone’s growth is one of the most cruel, most heartless acts of selfishness that one person can do to another.

I’ve been so guilty of this that I cannot throw stones at the people that are just as guilty of such a horrendous act. I’ve also been in someone else’s fearful grip so I know both sides of this coin. The only thing I can do is take what I’ve learned from both experiences and help those I see whose dreams and growth are being squelched escape the dark vacuum, help their dreams come true and help them reach their full potential.

I remember when I allowed myself to be ruled by fear and held onto the things I believed I couldn’t live without so tightly I squeezed the life out of them. Because of fear, I lost all those things anyway, and in most cases, left them damaged as well.

Sometimes, I still get scared I’ll lose something and I can feel my grip tighten. Everything in me wants to hold on with both hands and never let go. Then I remember what it felt like to be in that chokehold and I have no choice but to let go. At times, this is a daily process for me, but I refuse to be ruled by fear and instead I have to give faith and hope a chance to work their miracles.

If you love something set it free… is one of those worn out sayings usually stuck on a sign with birds that are flying away… but it’s a mirror of truth that reminds me that to offer someone I love the freedom to be themselves, or the freedom to reach their potential is the most loving thing I can do.

I must continue to be loving to myself as well. I must let go of the past and allow myself the freedom to reach my full potential. The more I grow, the more loving I will be, and when I look back at my life, I want to be remembered as the loving kind.

Posted in Lent, Yahweh's fingerprints

EASTER AT DAYBREAK

Posted on by sassysheisme

The last time I got up at 5 AM was… well, it was… I think it was… a Thanksgiving a long time ago when we got up and drove with droopy eyes in hopes of arriving in San Angelo in time for the Thanksgiving feast. We drove in darkness for quite some time and then the sun rose, I’m almost certain of it… but the rest of the trip was shrouded in a dense fog, so I could barely tell the sun had made an appearance.

This morning, I got up at 5 AM to go to a sunrise service at my church. The service was not a big production – in fact, it was what one might call Ecclesia Unplugged. Robbie played an acoustic guitar and led worship and all voices that were heard were lifted up sans microphone. There was an absence of Power Point and the pomp and circumstance that an Easter service might have elsewhere (and not that there’s anything wrong with that). The service was simple and beautiful, and is one of the many reasons I have gone home to Ecclesia.

The service began in the darkness at 6:30 AM in the courtyard (last year it began at 5:30 AM and when they emerged an hour later, it was still dark). We lit candles and sang a song, then processed inside where selections from the word of God were read aloud, telling the story of the risen Saviour from the creation of the world to his ressurrection. After more singing and communion, we processed back to the courtyard, where the sun had broken the horizon and disappeared behind the clouds. We sang again and were dismissed into the dim light of the day.

Those that know me, know I’m not lucid most days before 9 AM. I was back home with a cup of Starbuck’s in my hand and partaking of some oatmeal by 8:15. I fully remember and enjoyed this morning’s service and am thankful I made it to experience sunrise with the community I’m making my journey with.

As Lent closes, I’m reminded that if it takes 21 days to create a habit, then in 40 days, I’d like to think I’ve created a new attitude for myself, one of hope and not fear, and now I look forward and pray I can keep feeding that new attitude and face my next leap of faith at a dead run.

Posted in about shae, friends, Lent, Yahweh's fingerprints

WHAT MOTIVATES YOU?

Posted on by sassysheisme

I was sitting at a table at Collina’s last Saturday with a friend of mine. Our conversations are usually deep and fast paced and I tread water in the ocean of his intelligence as best I can. Just when I think I’m keeping up, he almost always switches gears on me and there’s a trainwreck in my head, and this time was no different.

I don’t even remember exactly what we were talking about at that juncture of the conversation, but while I was trying to process what he’d been saying, he suddenly asked, “what motivates you?”

Most of you that know me, know I am a ponderer. I weigh my words carefully and choose them with purpose… and if I don’t, I often don’t make sense or unwittingly contradict myself because I haven’t thought things through. Sometimes this weighing of words is a quick process, other times, depending on the subject matter, it takes a couple of days.

I don’t get the luxury of pondering with this friend most of the time. His brain runs at full speed unless he’s sleeping. When he asks a question, his brain has already moved beyond my answer, because nearly every question he’s ever asked me is a bridge to a point that pops into his head at any given moment.

My brain zips along at a pretty good clip most of the time, but I still would rather think about what I’m going to say before I say it. Still,I try to keep up with him as best I can so he threw the question out there and I responded with the first thing that popped into my head.

“What motivates you?”

“Health. Health motivates me. I don’t care what I look like or if I’m thin… I just want to be healthy.” (and for me, that’s in all areas of my life, not just weight)

I could tell by looking at him that I’d hit the tip of the iceberg of what he intended that question to grow into. He let me finish, then he firmly pushed one of my buttons and said that I needed to do whatever I could to succeed, not just to prove the naysayers in my life wrong (you know, the people who said, “you’re not a writer,” “dreams are for other people,” etc), but to make sure that my father “doesn’t win,” and that if I don’t succeed, if I let life pass me by, my father most definitely wins.

I sat there and let his words wash over me. Very few people understand what I’ve been though let alone verbalize that they not only understand, but they know I can use that pain and turn it into purpose… that I need to use my past to motivate me as I build my future. My friend has done this to me before – pushed a button and taken me off guard and forced my brain to churn out one word or a phrase that can’t possibly encompass all I want to say. He’s really good at it, in fact (and I’m sure he knows it).

His questions or phrases hit me – zip! and those are the times I nod numbly, wishing I could pause him for a few minutes while I come up with a response. Instead, we usually forge on, and he gets an email hours or days later when I’ve thought over his question and the things I wished I could have said in the midst of the conversation.

The phrase, “what motivates you?” stayed with me a few days. More words poured into my head – a woman spoke at our church and talked about how she once was motivated by fear… I read or heard how money or power or security motivates others. I pondered it all for a few days, but what I really wanted to let him know, besides being right, was that I was grateful for his encouragement… because encouragement also motivates me.

I’ve been blessed over the years to have a core group of cheerleaders who have spurred me on, who at times, when I wanted to let go and give up on everything, have grabbed the cross with one hand, and clung to me with the other. These friends have lifted me up, cheered me on, filled up my tank and kept me going when so many walked away and gave up on me. I wouldn’t be where I am today without them… my persistent, loving, encouraging posse.

I don’t know why I’m surprised then when my wheels start spinning again or when I feel like I’m never going to turn that corner or be able to leave that hurt or hinderance behind, that one of the posse steps up. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, either, when the source of that encouragement comes from a most unexpected place.

Why is it unexpected? It’s unexpected because, for most of my life, my posse has been made up of women for many reasons. If I continue to only let women speak into my life, I know my father wins. I’ve long known that, but in the past I’ve opened myself up to the wrong people, including men, and have been broken and ripped apart because of it. The old me had horrendous friend choosing skills and I paid for it dearly.

Fast forward to the new me, the me motivated by being healthy and a healthy person, and times have changed. In the past five months, I’ve taken leaps of faith that have drastically altered the course of my life. And, in the past two weeks, I’ve opened myself up to a new group of people…men included… and I’ve tried so hard not to hold the men at arm’s length. Though I’m still scared to death of even a close friendship with a man… I know that distance is motivated by fear. And isn’t fear… the black cloud that follows me… isn’t that what I’ve purposed to put behind me during this Lent?

I’ve gone against every impulse of self preservation in the last few months and not to say it’s been painless, but I’ve emerged on the other side a more courageous person… who still has a long way to go… but a person who is reaping the rewards of leaving fear in my rearview mirror.

My friend has told me more than once that strong hearts always make a comeback even after they get ripped to shreds. If I keep telling him he’s right, he’s going to get a big head, but he is again correct in his assessment. I’ve risked a lot for this friendship and have gone against my very nature to take baby steps with him and I think it’s paid off in ways I haven’t even began to ponder yet. I can ask him anything, and I’ve returned that sentiment, which is why I’m still pondering motivation a week later.

I’m no longer fearful of building on the new relationships that have formed the past few months, and I’ve gotten there one tiny, deliberate, purposeful step at a time. I’ve discovered my heart is a lot stronger than I’ve ever given it credit for and I’m motivated to keep walking down this path to find out where it leads.

I am motivated by health and by encouragement (among other things). What motivates you?

Posted in about shae, Yahweh's fingerprints

SHE IS ME…

Posted on by sassysheisme

When you peel away the layers of me, what lies at my core is my story. The story of me… the story of how I came to be at this moment in my life… the person who sits here now, typing away, the person I am when the lights are off and the world sleeps. I am she, and she is me.

Right now, my brain feels like scrambled eggs, or as a young friend once insisted they be called, “scrambies.” (Because he’d eat scrambies, but if you said the word “eggs” around him… nightmare). So my brain feels like scrambies.

I’ve had quite an emotional week. I opened up my soul and shared it with a group of people I’m investing in, and they in return are investing in me. It’s the first time in such a long time that I’ve been vulnerable with people outside my core group, and to say I was petrified to do so would be a gross understatement.

Since I’ve been on a quest to feel, I knew this day would come… the day I would sit down and open myself up for rejection and hurt. But that’s part of feeling, isn’t it? You can’t feel joy without feeling pain… you can’t feel happiness without at some point feeling sadness. Each side of this very fickle coin go hand in hand. One side cannot exist without the other.

I’ve experienced my share of sorrow, so does this mean I will have happiness now instead? Perhaps, but what I feel is that when sorrow comes I’ll know happiness is on the other side, and I know I will get through to it now. Will I ever feel rejection again? I’m certain of it, but what was reinforced to me this week is that won’t always be the case. Sometimes you open up your soul and love awaits on the other side.

I’ve never thought of myself as a courageous person, but courage is what it took to take the major leap I did this week.

Posted in random, sports

SNOWBOARDING ON ASPHALT

Posted on by sassysheisme

Today I spent some time with my friend Elizabeth and her daughter, aka Catt. Catt always has some new toy she loves to show me. (Catt is 18 – lol). She had a Ripstick, which is as close as you can get to snowboarding (she says) without snow. We played with that for a while and it’s a cross between a skateboard and an inline skate. Keeping my balance was great fun. Didn’t get very far, but I had to try it.

No injuries to report. 🙂