Posted in Uncategorized

FEMININITY AND THE SHORT, SASSY ‘DO

I went to see my favorite hair artist, Nora, this week. I asked to keep my hair short, and now that my face is considerably thinner, she agreed rather quickly.

My hair is the shortest it’s been since the 3rd grade, when I demanded my waist-length hair be trimmed exactly like my brother’s. My mother cried for two days and a braid was kept of that hair in a jewelry box until a couple of years ago when my brother (who now has it) asked if he could throw it away. Though he dashed my dreams of creating a mini-me clone, I told him he could.

This haircut wasn’t drastic (to me) because my hair was already short. To others, however, my haircut was a shock, be it good or bad.  I find the diversity of comments made interesting:

  • “You look like a boy.”
  • “It’s sassy!”
  • “Too butch.”
  • “You trying to not look like a girl?”
  • “You should grow it back out. Short hair isn’t feminine.”

I didn’t get the pixie cut to be trendy or hip. I got the pixie cut because I look good with it, I now have 5-minute hair, and my thin, fine hair is no longer a liability.  I personally don’t find long hair feminine per se and my femininity certainly isn’t tied up in the length of my locks.

My femininity transcends my hair length. Femininity is about energy, strength, action & conviction. It has nothing to do w/ponytails or lace, or wearing skirts instead of slacks. Femininity is about attitude, or in my case, my Sassitude. Yes, I can wear more feminine clothes, accessorize, and makeup, and I’m exploring that.

I’ve lost 50 pounds so far. This weight loss has allowed me more freedom to explore my “girlie” side, being able to buy whatever styles I wish in almost any store.  I have no desire to dress like a 20 year old (except for the combat boots).  That said, I am still defining my personal style.  The key word being personal.

I have no idea why people say, “I don’t like it,” to my face in regards to my hair. They are certainly entitled to their opinion. Of course, their comments are so much more about them than me, and I get that. I usually respond, “well, it’s my hair and I love it.” And I do.

I am open to suggestions and help in defining my style and have been grateful when people have taken the time and care to say, “hey, have you thought about wearing scarves?” or “have you been to Charming Charlie?” Style is a whole new world to me. I am much more open to comments like that rather than being told that without long hair I can’t look like a woman.

While I’d rather focus on what’s going on inside of me than on the outside, I do understand and acknowledge that the outside is important, and I’m working on it. What shouldn’t surprise people, however, is that my style is going to be MY style, and that might still yet involve a long skirt and some combat boots, and SHORT, SHORT, hair.

Posted in Uncategorized

MORE THOUGHTS POST-KOMEN

On the MetroRail back to Hermann Park, I sat next to a group of nurses who worked for the doctor who gave me the news that I had breast cancer. I remembered how she told me that everything was going to be fine, that I was going to survive this, though I was crying and wondering, “why me?”

I told the nurse the short version of this story, and to tell Doctor N that she was right and that I was grateful for how she handled the most difficult and darkest diagnosis of my life.  

She and her fellow nurses cheered. They love their boss and she was forever a part of my breast cancer story.

Posted in breast cancer, Uncategorized

THE KOMEN WALK 2013

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Today, I walked my second full Komen for the Cure event in Houston with my co-workers and friends. The day started early, before dawn. Anyone who knows me knows I am dedicated to something to get up that early!

As a breast cancer survivor, the Komen Walk has a different meaning for me than others that participate in this event. Others walk for people they lost to breast cancer, to support the cause, or just to participate.  For me, the Komen Walk is a way to celebrate my cancer’s demise and the effort of rising up afterward and moving forward.

As the thousands gather at the starting line to walk, they are excited to get moving and tackle that 5K.  Some are somber as they remember those they’ve lost, the ones they are there to honor.  Today, I was reflective of how far I’ve come and the people I was there to represent (see above photo).

The walk was a bit more challenging for me than I thought it would be. I’ve lost almost 50 pounds, I am working out and I prepared by hydrating this morning and eating a power bar. I was ready. I do as much cardio in the pool each week. After completing the second mile, however, my legs were like jello and I was running out of steam.

Our pack of walkers had spread out and I was lagging behind, trying to keep a steady pace.  The sun was hot, and the temps were climbing into the 90’s.  Hydrating with such a small stomach is a new challenge.  I am grateful Dora and Glenda slowed down a bit and kept me going.

Along the route, I was greeted by several volunteers to cheer me on as well. I tried, as much as possible, to thank those volunteers for coming out and doing something so important. Encouragement is so needed during an event like this. Whenever the volunteers heard the words, “thank you,” they seemed to perk up a bit. They were out in the hot sun with us, too.

A lady ran up behind me and saw the sign I was wearing that said, “Beating cancer runs in my family.” She said she’d buried 7 family members from breast cancer and if she got it, she knew her fate. I started to ask her if she’d had the BRCA gene test but she jogged off, alone.  Another pair of ladies in front of me wore a photo from 2011’s walk with their friend JoJo, who died last summer. This is what breast cancer does. This is what breast cancer is.  Breast cancer robs people of loved ones and friends.

When I reached the Survivor’s Row, where they called my name and how long I’ve been a survivor, I was so grateful I’d made this journey again. After our group dispersed Reagan and I went to the Survivor’s Celebration so I could pick up my Survivor’s Flag and some swag.

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By the time I got home and soaked in a hot tub, I was exhausted! I am so grateful I had this experience again and it is truly different every time!

ImageThis is me after the race as we went to lunch. I am as tired as I look in this photo, but very happy with where my journey has brought me. I am a woman on a mission. Breast cancer didn’t defeat me, and every day I’m grateful and more determined to live life to its fullest!

Though this particular work event was not about me, I am so grateful to have had a team to walk with this year! Thank you MAN Diesel & Turbo for allowing this and for Alejandra Bohorquez for putting the team together!

Posted in Uncategorized

SUPPORT THE “LADIES!”

On October 5th, I will join a team of my co-workers, their family and friends in the Komen Walk/Race for the Cure.  As a breast cancer survivor, I am eager to walk the 5K and thrilled to have so many people I know participate. 

I work for MAN Diesel & Turbo, known around the world for making, servicing and repairing diesel engines of all sizes.  Our current slogan is “We are your MAN!” Our team slogan is, “We support the Ladies.” Very playful and tasteful. I cannot wait to wear the shirt!

As someone personally affected by breast cancer, raising awareness and funds for a cure is extremely important to me. I hope that you can find $5, $10, $15…$20 dollars in your pocket to donate. I know some people have philosophical differences with the Susan G Komen foundation.  I ask that you think of me, or my mother, or my grandmother, or my aunts and cousins who have had breast cancer – some winning the battle, others not.  I don’t wish the breast cancer journey on anyone. That is why the support of the race for the cure and breast cancer awareness is important regardless.  Just because a percentage goes to something you do not agree with, think of the percentage that does.

If you would like to donate, please visit our team page here:  http://rfch.convio.net/site/TR/Race/General?team_id=53242&pg=team&fr_id=1170.  I will update you after the race with the story and photos.

Posted in Ocean, photography, pics, travel, Uncategorized

BEACHED, PROPERLY

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South Padre Island, Texas

I’m sitting on a somewhat comfortable couch in a hotel in Corpus Christi, Texas, with football on the tv (muted) and iTunes radio playing some totally incredible jazz. I feel totally relaxed and accomplished, since what I came to Corpus Christi to do for work went really well and I completed my task.

One of the perks of traveling for work is that we have offices in some beautiful places and sometimes I actually have enough time to go enjoy some of the local sights or cuisine.  Last night, I went for a walk on a lovely beach on South Padre Island.

I love the ocean. I especially love the beach. When those two things are paired and the water is less brown than other places on the Gulf Coast, I get a tad camera crazy.  The lighting was perfect (we were out there around six) and the tide was coming in. There weren’t many shells and the waters were very stirred up (TS Ingrid) but the whitecaps were beautiful.

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South Padre Island, Texas

I did, however, find a couple shells to shoot. I left them there so someone else could enjoy them.  I went to a souvenir shop and bought some polished ones there instead.

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South Padre Island, Texas
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South Padre Island, Texas

I can’t describe how good it was to take the camera out and do something fun and creative. I have a new appreciation for my camera since my first DSLR was stolen a couple of months ago.  I’ve vowed not to let this one go to waste.  I will leave you with a few more photos from last evening’s walk.

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South Padre Island, Texas
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South Padre Island, Texas
South Padre Island, Texas
South Padre Island, Texas
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South Padre Island, Texas

Posted in Uncategorized

HOLDING, 10 YARD PENALTY FROM THE SPOT OF THE FOUL

I’ve been lingering right under 50 pounds in my pursuit of losing 100 pounds. I have been at the gym quite a bit lately, and I know that’s holding the scale hostage somewhat. I am going broke buying clothes and have purchased my last until January unless I go through such a weight loss spurt my pants won’t stay up.

I’m trying to save money, which isn’t easy where I’m at right now. Redoing my wardrobe every six-nine weeks isn’t helping, nor was that $1000 worth of deductibles from the robberies. I’m going to Hawaii in March, regardless.  I will figure it out.

My trainer said I was pushing myself too hard. I never, ever, thought I’d hear a trainer tell me that, but she did. I tried to tell her that if I give in to the fatigue or side effects of the Tamoxifen, I will never reach my goal. This is my life now. Push, push, push. Rest on the weekends. Push, push, push.

It would help if she wouldn’t start me out with 50 pounds on certain apparatuses, but she does. I give it a shot, but usually have to cry uncle. Loudly. Then she looks at me and says, “I keep forgetting you are over forty.”

Between my trainer and the aqua fit class, I am usually exhausted by the time Friday night rolls around. Not a weekend party girl, anymore. I’m not boring, I just need the rest.

Yes, I do have more energy than I used to. Much more. I feel so good most days.  Still not sleeping well. I don’t think I ever will. So I will sleep somewhat adequately and keep pushing.

Those who know me wouldn’t expect anything less.

Posted in Uncategorized

BEFORE, NOW AND CURRENTLY UNPACKING

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Sharing this photo wasn’t easy. I never saw myself like the lefthand side shows me. I thought I was beautiful then. I was, but I had no idea what lie ahead. 

Four and a half months after RNY gastric bypass surgery, I am down a little over 45 pounds and have lost almost 6 inches (that’s a half a foot!) off my hips. After weeks of seeing next to no progress below my rib cage, all of a sudden clothes I’ve barely had time to wear are baggy.   I’m still working out the logistics of my new food reality but I have ZERO regrets about this surgery.

The photo to the right is a perfect example of how I feel right now.  My trainer C wonders, now that I’m looking really good and fabulous and rocking the tunic sports bra, that I still wear a t-shirt to the gym.  I told her I never have had the opportunity to wear any sort of sports bra that actually fit and that I wasn’t pushing the limits of, and, well, I’d never ever dreamed that taking my t-shirt off in a gym would ever be an option. I will see what happens Monday at my next work out, if I can find exercise gear that won’t fall off while I’m on the treadmill.

In other news, still unpacking my apartment. I keep rearranging the furniture and sorting books (up to three boxes to go out so far) and trying to relax when I can. I do enjoy sitting in my recliner and staring out the windows at the view of the sky and trees.  One of these days I will post a video or photo of what I’ve done, but I’ve changed my mind again and am moving the furniture around. 

I finally feel at peace in this new place.  I’ve heard no news or updates on my hoodrat thieves, but as long as They are done taking my stuff, I’m okay with that. I did find that they were using my Netflix account through the other tv and I reported that to the police and I hope that they can use the IP address to track the hoodrats down.  Given that the police took no prints, photos or made much of a report, I don’t know if they’ve given up or what, but I’ve done my part and I’m still doing my part protecting myself.

I’ve procrastinated long enough. I need to get these shelves moved!

Posted in Uncategorized

A NUMB EXPLOSION OF DISBELIEF

After being burgled once at the end of June, I returned from vacation, got a partial reimbursement check from the insurance and went to Best Buy and purchased another TV. As I watched movies and sports, I went through my list of loss and wondered when I should replace anything else.

Three days after I purchased the new TV, I came home from work and the thieving hoodrats had come back, taken the new TV and every electronic device they hadn’t gotten their hands on during the first burglary.

My first emotion was disbelief, a numb explosion of disbelief. Then, of course, as I dialed 911 again, I was angry. To be violated once was enough, twice was too much!  This meant this burglar knew my schedule. Knew I’d purchased a new TV. He (or they) was watching me

After that notion hit me like a ton of bricks, this thieving hoodrat was watching me – for the first time in seven years, I almost threw up. I am nauseous all the time from Tamoxifen but this time I almost gave into the urge to toss my cookie (stomach is too small for multiple anything). I felt all sorts of PTSD bells and whistles going off at the same time. 

I sat down in the recliner (where the idiot had left the power cord to the stereo) and tried to collect myself.  I told myself that I was sane and present and in control and that I was NOT GIVING INTO FEAR. A few deep breaths and collective moment later, I started making phone calls.

I called maintenance and had them come fix the door. Again. Then, I began to survey the loss.  Besides the TV, my Bose stereo dock was gone, along with a TENS unit, some messenger bags (for what they had stolen earlier) a bluetooth keyboard, and (of course you start noticing things after the police leave) a friend’s magnificent Nikon camera and lens set that he let me borrow because he knows how I am about taking pictures.  Also taken were some yoga DVD’s, some motion sensor lights and my scale. Yes, they took MY SCALE (which I didn’t discover until the next morning when I went to weigh myself).

The item, however, that really hit my heart was the loss of my precious guitar, a gift from a musician and friend I truly admire. 

That was the breaking point.  Now it was personal. They had taken something that meant something to me, something I cannot replace.  The violation level had gone beyond, “just stuff,” to something that mattered.

When maintenance arrived, I demanded the phone number of the apt manager. He called his manager instead and he told me that the manager would talk to me in the morning.  I told him I was moving and he said they would make that happen. 

HPD arrived in a half hour instead of an hour like the last time.  He was a nice guy, the partner of the HPD officer who interviewed me last time.  He was kind and understanding and told me if he were me, he’d move. Like yesterday.

Well, that was a Tuesday night. Wednesday, I went to look at another apartment and Thursday, I put out the call for movers.  Most of my friends were out of town or otherwise occupied on such short notice. All I could do was pray for God to come through.  I had enough to worry about trying to pack an apartment in less than 48 hours. 

As God usually does, he provides enough help from unusual sources. I had put out some feelers at work, embarrassed to even have to ask people to help me move.  I did it anyway. I got an overwhelming response. I am fortunate to work with some top-notch quality human beings! 

One man I work with came and sat down next to me, said he’d heard what happened and said he’d be there Saturday with a 24-foot covered trailer. I was stunned. Grateful and overwhelmed.

Two friends from small group, and a guy I don’t yet know from small group (who needed to procrastinate studying for the Bar exam) also came to help. Soon, they had a system in place and things went like clockwork despite the fact I was not fully packed and still have a lot of stuff. 

By the end of the day, I was tired, and overwhelmingly filled with a deep gratitude I’d not felt in a long time.  The new apartment is bigger, full of light and has a great view. It’s also very, very quiet up here. A blessing in disguise for certain.

I sincerely hope this is my last round with the hoodrat thieves. Trying to replace everything, though I have insurance is tedious and time consuming. I am ready to get back on track and get my life back!  I am grateful and settled. Can’t ask for a lot more.

Posted in Uncategorized

WHAT THEY REALLY TOOK

Friday, the day before my vacation, I came home, excited and ready to finish packing. I couldn’t wait to get into the car Saturday morning to start the drive to Indiana.

I got home and my door was cracked open. I pushed it fully open, thinking the maintenance guys had come to deliver my new appliances. I called out but got no answer. Then I looked to my right.

An empty space oppressively occupied my TV stand. My heart began to beat faster, then I saw the contents of my gym bag and iPad bag scattered across my living room floor. Immediately I saw both of my computers were gone. Then, I realized the most important item to me was missing – my camera bag – which contained my camera and three of my best lenses.

Of course I cried. I called 911 and then the apt complex so they would come fix my door, which would no longer close. I texted my Green Onion and he and his wife came over and stayed until the police left and helped me clean up the apartment.

The burglar went through my dresser drawers and threw more than half of it on the floor. I know he was disappointed. I don’t have pawnable valuables other that what he’d already took. He also ransacked my headboard and bed, but still, he didn’t get anything. 

Other than a few electronics, nothing else was taken. I am grateful I wasn’t home, and I do realize it’s all just stuff. Yes, dealing with insurance is inconvenient and time consuming, I should be done by the end of the week and should have a check soon. 

What the thief really stole was my peace of mind. I have lived in Houston for 18 years and have lived in far worse neighborhoods than this and have had no issues at all. Now, I can’t even sit in my living room.  I keep seeing all the gym clothes and other items strewn across the floor in my mind. I am going to rearrange the furniture and see if that helps.

I am determined to not let this get to me.  I am not going to live in fear because someone was in my apartment and took some of my stuff. I don’t say those sentences lightly. I was already sleeping with a steel bat by my bed. I just need to remember the rest of my stuff is just stuff.

Posted in Uncategorized

MILESTONES

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I wasn’t expecting to get to this milestone so quickly after getting to Onederland. I’ve lost four pounds rather quickly after a week of catered food and little sleep, but nonetheless, I stepped on the scale this morning and I’ve lost 40 pounds! 

Tomorrow marks the third month since my surgery. I had hoped to hit this milestone before then and I did it! 

Still in disbelief over how far I’ve come so fast. I’ve worked hard at eating right, eating enough, hydrating enough, and exercising. I’m still not in any routine I’d like to be yet, but I’m getting there. 

I’m still fighting nausea and fatigue from the Tamoxifen, which is also keeping the weight loss at what seems like a crawl. I will face that challenge another 8 years, so I just have to keep plugging away. I know I can do it. 

Meanwhile, if anyone has some size 14 or 12 clothes they don’t need anymore, let me know. I’m running out of clothes.