Category: Yahweh’s fingerprints

Posted in about shae, holidays, Yahweh's fingerprints

RESOLUTIONS

Posted on by sassysheisme

This is the time of year when everybody makes some sort of New Year’s Resolution. Well, if you expect to see mine here, you’ll be disappointed. I’m not making any. I didn’t make any last year, and 2007 was an incredible year for me. I’d like to build on my successes and triumphs, and make plans to keep the momentum going. Otherwise, 2008 is an open book waiting to be written and drawn in.

When I wake up Tuesday morning, it will be 2008. I will watch an unhealthy amount of football…(it’s unhealthy because of how crazy I get during games I really care about, then again will I care about any of those games?) eat some guacamole… marvel at how much room I made in my closet when I cleaned it New Year’s Eve (yes, I live such an exciting life)… and let my brain rest.

Wednesday, my routine will resume, and the holidays will be in my rear-view mirror, growing smaller by the day. The mark the holidays made on me this year, however, will not soon be forgotten. Feeling my way through the holidays has certainly been worth it, and I’m still processing those feelings and feeling itself.

Someday I will stand on the edge of the Grand Canyon and then I will have the visual to put with the feeling I have now. I am standing on the edge of something wide and vast, unfathomable to imagine and what I see takes my breath away. I can’t put anything into words and tears can’t even express how I feel. I don’t fully understand how I got here or what I am to take away from this experience, but even at the edge of something wonderful, I close my eyes and give thanks. Then I open my eyes, and I’m overwhelmed all over again.

I don’t yet see how life can get any better than that, but I’ve learned never to underestimate God. This year, I learned to jump off the curb with some incredibly amazing results. Maybe 2008 is the year I learn to jump off big, scary, breathtaking cliffs.

Posted in about shae, Advent, holidays, Yahweh's fingerprints

PACKING…

Posted on by sassysheisme

I am currently in the middle of packing for our road trip to San Angelo. It will be about a 7 hour drive and we’re going to get there in the middle of the night it looks like. Pray for me – I’m driving! I may have to stop at Starbuck’s before I leave town.

The tv is on, but it is on one of our music stations blaring Christmas music so I don’t get distracted by any football or basketball games. I’m very proud of myself at this moment for being ahead of schedule. Don’t worry, I won’t let it go to my head.

I finally got my first paycheck from my new job. For the first time in my life EVER, I’ve been able to pay all my bills, put money into savings, donate to a great charity, buy Christmas gifts, and have an unbelievable chunk of money leftover. I am within my budget I made for myself with this new job and I have money leftover to do whatever I want with. What’s that about? I am truly overwhelmed.

God is ever faithful. The more I feel, the more great relationships I have in my life that are unfolding like roses that have been waiting for forever to open themselves up to me and other relationships I’ve already had seem deeper than they already were.

So far, I’ve not been sick like I was last year. I know last year was sort of a purging, and perhaps it was a holiday turning point for me, I don’t know. I’m actually excited about Christmas this year and I’m embracing it the only ways I know how right now.

May you be blessed this holiday season and learn to embrace the real meaning of Christmas. I think it’s both different and the same for everyone. We all feel and interpret things differently, and that’s okay. If we seek, we will most certainly find.

Merry Christmas!

Posted in Advent, holidays, Yahweh's fingerprints

FEELING JUST IS.

Posted on by sassysheisme

I’m still trying to pull these thoughts together as midnight approaches. Forgive me if I ramble a bit.

I haven’t fallen off the face of the Earth, I’ve just been busy…New job, Christmas shopping, connecting with new friends, reconnecting with old ones, trying to get as many cards out as I can before I resort to e-cards… life always intervenes with life.

I have found ways, however, of having a few still moments here and there during the business and busy-ness that surrounds me. I dig in, press in, and lean into the wind and waves of the season. I can’t help myself. NI look to the sky and the star winks back and lights my way through the holiday maze.

There is a tremendous difference between the Christmas Season and Advent to me. One is a series of traditions and events that lead to a day in December, the other is a holy day that fills me with wonder and deepens my journey even after December is over. I hope I can keep up with all I’m learning and feeling.

As I feel my way through the holidays, something unexpected is happening. It doesn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. Feeling is no longer a scary shadow monster that lurks around a corner waiting to knock the wind out of me. Feeling is a curious journey through days and hours where I might feel everything from anger to amusement, fear to happiness, joy to sorrow, but it’s not a rollercoaster or hurricane, or tidal wave… feeling just is.

Right now, I don’t have the time or mettle to really process feeling just is, so I’m just going to feel my way through and return to that part later. Feeling just is will be there waiting for me. I’m sure I’ll find something to share.

…and now I’m feeling tired.

Posted in pics, Yahweh's fingerprints

WHAT A COINCIDENCE!

Posted on by sassysheisme


This is my calendar picture for December. A year ago, when I received this calendar as a gift, little did I know that in December I would be entering my second week in a new job… at a company that services engines for ships like this.

I know God knew it, though. I had long forgotten about December on this calendar (pictures about traveling). When I flipped the page late Friday night, I couldn’t help but laugh.

Since I believe that God knows where my feet will take me before I even think about stepping… I don’t believe in coincidence. Coincidence is when something happens “by chance” and we’re not paying close enough attention to see the miracle of our story unfolding just as God has always known it would.

Why is it that people can believe in coincidence and not in providence? I can either believe that something just happened, or I can believe that God is sovereign and has his hand on my life. I find much more comfort in the latter.

As I work in this new job and my brain feels the pressure of cramming in codes and numbers and a whole new set of faces and names and languages, I picture my calendar and remember that my being in this new place is not coincidence or happenstance. God knew I’d be here at this moment in time.

God was here before me, he’s here with me now, and he’ll have my back when it’s time for me to move on… and he’ll already be there.

Posted in Yahweh's fingerprints

WORD.

Posted on by sassysheisme

When I was cleaning off my desk today, I found this verse on a piece of paper that used to hang on my wall:

Ephesians 3:20 (The Message)

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!

Somehow, this paper had fallen down and ended up in a stack of notes I was going through today. When I found it, I couldn’t help but laugh at the timing.

In the last year, God has done more than I could ever imagine or guess or request in my wildest dreams… and I eagerly await the not yet.

Posted in Job Search, Yahweh's fingerprints

FAITHFUL WITH LITTLE

Posted on by sassysheisme

I’ve worked at the same place for about ten years. Almost six years full time, the rest part time. I have changed significantly from when I started working there, in fact, if me ten years ago walked up to me today, I’d hardly recognize her. I’ve changed physically, emotionally, spiritually, and even economically.

I don’t make much money working at this place. I’ve always struggled to make ends meet. In the beginning of my tenure there, I never had enough leftover to save any money. If something went wrong with my car, I charged it. If I wanted to take a weekend trip, I charged it. If I was short on money but needed groceries, I charged them. In the beginning I thought one day I’d get another job and catch up or get married and then it wouldn’t matter (yeah, that makes me laugh, too). Then, as I matured, I realized the Knight with Shining Checkbook wasn’t the answer to my problems, deep pit and I was drowning in it.

Knowing the pit was of my own making didn’t help. About two years ago, I came to enjoy the department I finally landed in and after a while I settled in. I got on a budget. My credit card didn’t get used (it’s very lonely). I picked up odd jobs and babysitting jobs on the weekend. I lived within my means and was managing to get out of debt a little bit at a time. I was given a car to drive when the old one died.

I was going to be okay. I may not be rolling in dough, but I had a roof over my head, food to eat, and clothes to wear. So I told the Lord that if he wanted me to move on, he would have to make it so abundantly clear that even I wouldn’t miss it. I stopped looking for jobs (someday I’ll list my jobs and show how I never got a job I applied for – every job I’ve ever had I’ve fallen into backwards).

Two years went by. I plugged along, being faithful with what little I had. I even managed to save enough money for a plane ticket to California for my first vacation in ten years. I was, indeed, okay.

So imagine my surprise when, about two weeks ago, a friend of mine (I worked with her before I took my current job ten years ago) called and said, “send me your resume, I’ve recommended you for a job.” We had talked about our jobs at lunch one day this fall but I never expected this. Truthfully. I really wasn’t looking for another job.

I sent over the resume, still not expecting anything. I wasn’t sure I was qualified, and to tell the truth, the only interviews I’d managed to get in the last five years were with other churches. When my friend’s boss called and requested an interview, I was surprised.

I wasn’t sure this is what I wanted, remember I was happy where I was and I had lots of friends at this job, but I went on the interview to honor my friend’s confidence in me. I still wasn’t expecting anything.

I told my friend’s boss I would be coming to this interview in jeans, since this is what I wear to work and we were putting Christmas out in the store. So I was in jeans, and I was… glittery when I drove out to the interview.

I told myself as I walked in to just be myself and see what happened. Prospective new boss was wearing black jeans, so I didn’t feel so self conscious. We sat down, he told me about the company, what he was looking for, and asked me what I could do. To be honest, this is the first time in my job search history when having so many different jobs and being so diverse in my skills and learning German and not Spanish has actually paid off. The more he described what he needed, the more I was interested in the job.

Yet, twenty minutes later when he offered me the job, I was shellshocked. He told me to call him in the morning with salary requirements and told me I could wait until Monday to give him my final answer.

I left the interview thinking, “holy cow, now what do I do?” I called my friend. I told her I had absolutely no clue what my salary requirements should be. She threw out a number, which was more than I was making and I thought that would be nice, especially with the unbelievable benefits package they were offering me. Jene’ had said I didn’t want to sell myself short and appear as if I valued my skills and to keep that in mind. I took the number my friend had suggested to bed with me.

The next day was my day off and trip to Galvestion. At 7:45 a.m. my friend called me and said she’d done some research and we were aiming way too low. So she gave me a figure and with that in mind, I called prospective new boss. I went for slightly lower than the figure she gave me (come on, I’m not greedy) and gave him a range, let’s say A-C. He said he’d call me back.

An hour later, just before I left for Galveston, he called. He gave me C. This number was a 50% increase in pay as a STARTING salary. My brain felt like scrambled eggs. I couldn’t believe it. It would have been foolish to turn this job down, so I accepted and we negotiated a start time.

This opportunity fell in my lap and I am ever so grateful.

The hardest part is leaving behind the people at my current job. I actually cried when I gave my notice. My current boss said, “I didn’t see this coming.” I shook my head and said, “I didn’t either.”

I hope I can be as faithful with much as I was faithful with little. The first thing I did was draw up a budget. I can’t believe that I might just make my goal of being out of debt and in reliable transportation by the time I’m 40.

I’m still overwhelmed. A week from Monday I will start this new phase of my life and I am so grateful.

Be faithful with little, and you’ll be amazed at just how much much is.

Posted in commentary, Harry Potter, Yahweh's fingerprints

HAVE BRAIN, WILL THINK…

Posted on by sassysheisme

Over a decade ago, I attended a church where the pastor said this from the pulpit (loosely paraphrased from memory): “See this book in my hand?” he nearly shouted, “it’s the Word of God. Don’t question me… my interpretation of this book. It’s my job to tell you what this book says. You don’t need to read it yourself.”

I remember the train wreck in my head. I wanted to stand and shout, “NO!” remembering that every man works out his own salvation with fear and trembling, and having the feeling that if he broke out the kool-aid after service I should hit him with my Bible and run for the exit as fast as I could.

Everything that man said in his sermon, by the way, I completely disagreed with. I was essentially shunned later for saying (out loud) that what he had preached was not in The Book, and his edict of keeping Bible interpretation to himself and the hope of keeping his young flock scripturally ignorant so they wouldn’t see what a unbiblical power trip he was on was completely wrong.

Before I left, I encouraged everyone I could to read the Bible for themselves…to make up their own minds…to use their brains and not become mindless sheep. I have no idea what happened to most of those congregants, but I do know that those of us raised in the church with a good handle on our theology left and didn’t look back.

I guess how I was raised and then my experience with the arrogant Bible-thumping, “hear me, don’t read,” pastor has left me often questioning what I hear from the pulpit and beyond. I was not allowed an opinion or to think freely as a kid and that Sunday epiphany showed me how dangerous that mindset really is.

Why are so many Christians willing to hand over their brains at the chapel doors and willingly digest and accept every word that a human being says from the pulpit (or the pages, or the internet)? Why carry the Bible to church if it’s not going to be read at home? Studied? Most of us feel a certain comfort with our pastors, and know, deep down, they’re not going to lead us astray. Right?

For the most part when hear a sermon, I find that the pastor and I are on the same page and I don’t have to worry what’s in the coffee served after the service. Still, beyond the creeds and doctrines, sometimes I hear things spoken (from many pulpits) that make me wonder, “really? Why?” or “Why not?”

When I was a kid, I was told not to read certain books. You know the list. Catcher in the Rye was always at the top. Today, you will most likely find the Harry Potter series on many conservative lists. I used to play along. Not read what I wasn’t supposed to, tow the line, say the right things…and have no idea how to join in the conversation except to say, “I have heard it’s wrong/bad/forbidden… banned.”

These days, tell me not to read something or tell me it’s controversial and I’m more likely to at least research the book (movie, article, author) if not read the book itself. Make up my own mind. Think. Process. Decide.

I may yet agree the banned or controversial material is indeed not fit for public consumption. Or… I may say, “I agree,” or “he has some valid points,” or “why not?” In some circles, that heresy could get me crucified. Outside the box is a scary place apparently and lately I seem to find myself outside of the box or fighting to get out of it.

When did having a brain get so dangerous? When did thinking outside the box become so taboo? Why not give people credit for having the brains and discernment to decide for themselves whether or not someone’s words or ideas are something to absorb or adhere to, or to dismiss? Are today’s Christians that theologically lacking that the thought of encouraging them to educate themselves about the “other side” or “grey area” of a conversation is out of the question?

I don’t know what the answer is or where this rant came from. I guess I’m just tired of hearing “but I’ve heard it’s bad,” or people believing something “because so and so said so.” If the thought process ends there, it’s dangerous.

I don’t know why I feel like apologizing for not giving so and so the power to think for me. I may agree with so and so at some point, but it will be because I informed myself, sought God myself, used my brain, and made a decision… or I may not agree with so and so… and it’s okay. It really, really is.

There will be no bra burning at the end of this post, but sadly I feel sort of revolutionary in my thinking right now.

But at least I’m thinking… with my own brain.

Posted in about shae, Yahweh's fingerprints

I BELIEVE… I HAVE CONTROL ISSUES

Posted on by sassysheisme

I see this sign in Kelly’s window every day as I walk into work. Since I’m on the outside looking in, the sign says “EVEILEB.” I chuckle, because when I read it backwards my brain scrambles it a bit and I see “EVELIEB” instead. As a result, I get to my office thinking of Dear Eve.

Let me explain… no, let me sum up (Princess Bride).

Eve + Lieb = Eve, being the first woman God created (the mother of all living), and Lieb, the root of the German word for love – used as “dear.” I know this is random, but I see Kelly’s sign and I think of Dear Eve… and how Eve just couldn’t let go of her desire to be like God and know…everything. Because of that control issue… well, read Genesis 3 in The Message and you’ll find out the rest of the story if you don’t know it already.

I can understand Eve’s issue with wanting to know everything. Not knowing undoes me in oft ugly and unladylike ways. Sometimes not knowing makes me more than a little crazy and when my heartbeat returns to normal, I am usually thinking, “who was that?”

My insanity can be triggered by many things. For example tonight, not knowing when the downstairs neighbor would quit vibrating my floor with his stereo made me get a bit nuts. I even went down and knocked on his door, which of course he couldn’t hear and thus didn’t answer (and I would have been nice about it because I breathed deeply all the way down the stairs). I ran back upstairs thinking, “are you crazy?! Let it go!”

It’s a control issue when I can’t let go. I know this. Fortunately, I only went crazy for about ten minutes, then, much to my relief, my neighbor left. All is calm.

This event is what started me on this blog post, because doggone it, I was watching the Colts game and thou shalt not interrupt Shae watching her boys in blue… even when they’ve switched to Spanish commentary due to issues with the audio (though we were back to English again in the first quarter). I have been waiting for this game with great anticipation for weeks… and between the Spanish (which I barely have a grasp of basic words) and the vibrating floor (which is not only a control issue, it’s a PET PEEVE), I lost my composure.

I managed to only knock three times on the wall (like he’d hear that either) and I’ve improved because there are no bruises or blood (the old me was more nuts than I am now, trust me) and I didn’t pace or curse, though I did ask (rhetorically, but loudly) “what is he doing down there?!”

Still, when my heartbeat returned to normal (when I was locked safely back in my apartment) I had to ask myself, “Who was that?” and “Why does she still get the better of me?” I have to remind myself that I’m still going to have moments when I forget that I don’t have control to begin with. Never had it. Never will. (I see Kelly’s talking about control issues, too).

The distance between being all Sha’crazy vs. calm is growing ever shorter, and I do recognize my insanity and can put a stop to it much more quickly, but I’ve still got a long way to go. I can’t wait to go to sleep.

Posted in about shae, Yahweh's fingerprints

DON’T TALK TO STRANGERS?

Posted on by sassysheisme

I started a new “thing” while I was on vacation. I decided that if I was in a big crowd of people I didn’t know, I’d purposely just start talking to strangers and see what happened. I had many fascinating conversations with people and a few people made my day… and even a few more made my dialogue collection. It was a rewarding experience, even when people were a bit taken aback or a little rude to me. The experiment went so well, I decided to keep it up when I had the opportunity.

If you know me, you know I have the capability to talk and talk… and talk. In fact, for five years, I had a part time job where all I did was talk all day long. If I know you, I will feel comfortable talking to you and telling you stories and laughing with you. I love finding out new things about my friends and I’m usually in the thick of the conversation…if I know you.

If I don’t know a person or I am in a crowded room, however, I’m usually found on the sidelines listening. Most of the time I listen on the fringes of other’s conversations, never joining in, never participating.

I love to listen. I am fascinated by what people have to say, especially people I don’t know… but I would never ask a stranger anything. I would wait for someone else to do it and listen in.

As I’ve spent the last few years reinventing myself and overcoming the Sharon that Was, one of the things about myself I wanted to see change was actually participating in the conversation – with strangers.

If you know me, you know that talking to strangers is not only out of my comfort zone, it’s out of my zip code…but I’m really trying to overcome that fear (or inhibition).

Last night at the Astros game, I continued my quest to talk to strangers. In less than an hour after I was surrounded by hundreds of strangers, I had more than surpassed my 10 stranger goal. I talked to kids, young folks, parents, older folks, security guards, a few ushers (hi, Alfred), and the nice young woman at the nacho stand who told me she loves the smell of jalepenos.

The more I walked around the concourse, the more fascinating people I found. One toddler with squeaky shoes that could be heard over the din of the crowd stomped past me as I was talking to the security guard. We both laughed. When I saw the security guard later, she smiled at me.

I had so much fun talking to dozens of people I didn’t know. Even if it was, “how are you doing tonight?” and they smiled, it gave me a sense of satisfaction. Something about engaging all these strangers in conversation, or at least a hello felt right. It felt… natural. I can’t explain why, it just did.

When I was in first and second grade, teachers designated me the “new person” guide. I was chatty, bubbly and I would take new students around, be their new buddy, and show them where everything was. I was the student the teachers would send on errands to other classes. I sang solos. I had no problems talking to adults or strangers, at least that’s what I remember. Vaguely.

Then when I was 8, some traumatic events began to unfold in my life, and I remember becoming afraid. I remember that’s when I started to listen and retreat. That’s when my participation in life became very limited. While I desperately wanted to be outside my shell, I hid within myself instead… and I was dying in there.

I don’t know if my new quest feels right because I’m reclaiming something I lost (or was stolen) or if I’m becoming who I was meant to be… finally… 30 years down the road. What I do know is I felt confidence and curiosity surge through me and I didn’t give a flip about what people thought about me. It was liberating and very, very faintly familiar.

I will continue my quest and I eagerly await the results as God continues to lead me down this road of self-rediscovery. While experiencing new things or experiencing old things new is injecting new life into me, what I rejoice over is finally experiencing life firsthand. I had a blast last night and I owe it to Candie, Renee and Sam, and a few dozen strangers.

Posted in Harry Potter, movies, pop culture, Yahweh's fingerprints

STILL WILD ABOUT HARRY

Posted on by sassysheisme

I have had many opportunities this week to discuss Harry Potter with supporters of the Harry Potter series, and with those who still have reservations about the world JK Rowling has created.

One thing I have learned in my years of blogging and in creative discussion is that you can lead a horse to water, but that doesn’t make him a duck (with an ode to Ms. Depesto of the Moonlighting series). I can explain my beliefs and my opinions to those who hold opposite views, but I can’t make them, no matter how hard I try, change their mind, and I’m not going to jump down their throat about it.

Too many times in the past, I have bludgeoned people over the head with my opinion, because, after all, my way is the only way right? Only I have tapped into the great vein of knowledge about God and know beyond the shadow of any doubt that my human brain has interpreted everything God has shown me to be true and absolute – there is no room for other opinions to be brought to the table… I am the authority on everything! Mwah, ha ha!

And then God saved me from myself… from my arrogance and pride, from my tunnel vision and black and white existence and delivered me into the technicolor kaleidoscope I currently see the world through. I no longer separate the sacred from the secular (have you noticed that sacred is really close to scared?) and am able to see the sacred in the secular much more than many people are inclined or comfortable with. I consider this vision a true gift, but it’s a gift that not everybody embraces in me… and as God has worked that miracle in my life, I’ve cared less about anybody’s opinion of me but his.

I answer to him alone, and when I remember that, the freedom is a rush.

As I’ve been reminded lately, I am responsible to put the message/opinion out there, but I am not responsible for the reaction. It’s not my job to align anyone with my opinions. If you like what you read, fine. If you don’t, let’s talk. Maybe I have something to learn, or maybe God has something he wants to reinforce with the difference of your opinion.

Take heart, Harry haters. There’s room for both of us at the table. We’re both still Christians even if we come down on different sides of the issue. Just know that no matter how much you think I’ve gone off the deep end over this or many other things I blog about, my heart still belongs to God.

I still have a long way to go to truly understand thinking outside of the box and to make that my brain’s default setting, but at least my heart is now outside of the box and the God I know is outside of it, too, though that is a daily placement sometimes.

Believe me, the world is much more exciting and colorful out of the box than it ever was in it… or, don’t believe me. I’m leaving that choice up to you.