Category: Yahweh’s fingerprints

Posted in about shae, lists, music, photography, video, Yahweh's fingerprints

DISCOVERIES (2009)

Posted on by sassysheisme

Yeah, yeah, so the fever of list making has finally hit me. 

DISCOVERIES IN MUSIC

Owl City

Lady Antebellum

Jack’s Mannequin

Seabird

Barcelona

Interestingly enough, I owe most of those discoveries to Joe Ben, who is always ahead of me in discovering great music.  Thank goodness he’s the type of guy who shares.

Song that brought me to my knees: “How He Loves” by the David Crowder Band.
And I can’t let this post go by without mentioning Steve, the computerized drum kit made by Bwack, and one of the songs off the David Crowder Band’s Church Music CD called, “God Almighty None Compares.”  You can see Steve in the upper center of this video and you will enjoy some of the best guitarmony I’ve heard in a long, long time!

DISCOVERIES IN BOOKS

The Dune series by Frank Herbert

The Shack by William P Young (led to an incredible moment in my life)

“Leaf by Niggle,” from Tales of the Perilous Realm by JRR Tolkein

Tales of Beedle the Bard, by JK Rowling (these really are great kids’ stories)

DISCOVERIES IN MOVIES

Sam Worthington (Terminator Salvation, Avatar)

JJ Abrams rebooted Star Trek and I LOVE it!

Boondock Saints I & II (thanks, Green Onion)

Video that made me laugh out loud:  David Crowder Band – Twitter Will Kill You

DISCOVERIES IN TV

I really miss Chuck.

24  Just started watching this year, thanks to Joe Ben… and Season 7 is all I’ve seen.

A show I loved, Battlestar Galactica, aired it’s last episode (though spinoffs abound) this spring.

Another show I loved that was well acted and written, Kings, did not make it to season 2.

DISCOVERIES ABOUT HOUSTON

It really can snow in Houston and it can snow two years in a row.

You can be completely covered (with just your face showing) in near freezing temperatures, and mosquitos will still attack you.

DISCOVERIES ABOUT MYSELF

I do like wearing hats that do not have team logos/company brands on the front. 

I love taking pictures and I hope to continue to learn and to take my photography to the next level.

I enjoy being female (hence another hat and purse purchase earlier today. I still blame Mish).

Heartbreak is a painful experience, but it isn’t fatal or final… and I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

Hope is still a tattoo-worthy word.

Courage is a lot scarier than one might think but worth every drop (weather that be blood, sweat or tears) it requires of me.

Going with the flow is a lot less exhausting than fighting change.

I am stronger than I think I am.

I have a long way to go, but I am slowly but surely moving forward.

Posted in vacation, Yahweh's fingerprints

IN A WORD?

Posted on by sassysheisme

Many people are not just assessing this past year, they are pondering the ending of the first decade of this century.  While I can see the value of re-evaluating and seeing how far we’ve come as a people or even on a personal level, I can’t seem to get myself into the mood to look backward, or even into my rearview mirror.

All I can seem to do right now is look forward.

I’ve been off work since Christmas Eve, which has been wonderful.  It’s been over two years since have had this much time off and nearly a year since I’ve been off for more than a long weekend.  It’s taken until yesterday to truly feel myself relax.  I went to a movie (Avatar in 3D) and then I drove around to a couple of stores and looked at furniture (which I’ve had very little time or energy to do).

I’ve been sitting on the floor or in a camp chair since I moved last April.  I decided that I would never buy furniture if I didn’t let go of the old, broken, uncomfortable items first.  I never dreamed it would be eight months later that I would have an actual chair to sit in, but here I am, in this beautiful, comfortable chair.

Granted, my tastes are not necessarily wholesale, discount, but my checkbook right now is.  I went first to Danish Impressions to let myself dream of what one day my living room will look like, then I drove to TABS and walked the whole store before I found this leather recliner.  It was already discounted, on sale, and they took an additional 20% off.  I couldn’t believe the price (about $200 less than I had budgeted for) and the salesman delivered it himself when he got off work so I wouldn’t have to pay a hefty delivery charge (TABS is less than a mile from my place).

I was feeling pretty good about the whole deal when I went to talk to E & C in my apartment complex’s management office.  I asked about how much my rent would go up (I got in here on a very generous deal last spring) and E said that they had decided all rents would stay the same (and would even for my very generous deal). 

I started crying and if you know me, I have always been uncomfortable with my tears.  Usually, if I’m crying, I’m angry, and most often with myself.  Then I grabbed E and hugged her (twice).  I had been contemplating moving again if the rent went up too high and now, through even more generosity from strangers, I can stay in this apartment that I really, really like…and I can do so without sitting on the floor.

After my chair was delivered, I sat in it and cried some more, completely overwhelmed by God’s provision, and grateful beyond words.  I have been mocked, belittled and teased for my decision to get rid of my old furniture and not run out and buy new items (with money I don’t have) by people who either have more cash than they can spend, or who choose to live shackled by debt (and I have tried that route and it is not a good way to live!).  One even said they wouldn’t come over and visit me until I had furniture.  These people do not understand how far I’ve come in how I respect money, and/or they don’t comprehend the concept of waiting on God for anything, and I have a feeling my chair will not be good enough for them because there is only one.  That’s ok.  They can kiss my… floor pillows.

To the people who came over and enjoyed my company and hospitality while sitting on cushions on the floor, you can take turns sitting in this comfy chair.  I know you rejoice with me and my blessings, because you loved me before, when I had very little, and you will remind me if I forget how blessed I am.  To you, I am so very grateful for you friendship and support.

A friend reminded me recently that I have to let go of what I was to be anything else in the future and she’s right.   I remember what I let go of to have what I have now, and as I nearly fell asleep in this chair last night, I thought of all the things I want to do and hope to be and began to visualize what I must let go of in order to become what I know I can be.

I don’t make resolutions, but this I know, change is coming, and I will not fight it if I can help it.  I’m up to my neck in water borne outside of my comfort zone and I need to just lift my legs and go with the flow and see where I go. 

Posted in random, Yahweh's fingerprints

THINGS I LEARNED TODAY… OR MAYBE JUST RECENTLY OR SOME TIME AGO

Posted on by sassysheisme

Things I learned today, or maybe just recently or some time ago, in no particular order:

1. A lady with the last name of Church once lived in my apartment. I’m still getting her mail. Ms. Church, if you’re out there, some advertising peeps are desperate to get in touch with you.

2. I ran out of bath soap. Yes, me who has one of everything in reserve, ran out of soap.

3. My brain filter really can hold back more than I ever thought it could, even though it probably looked like I was having a seizure at the time.

4. Blondes really do have more fun but the reasons vary from blonde to blonde.

5. Sassy is as Sassy does and Sassy is free from what Sassy was. (Can I get an amen?)

6. There is so much more to me than meets the eye. Ok… so I didn’t really learn that today, but I really do think someone else learned that today so I thought it was worth mentioning.

7. I balanced my checkbook and found I shouldn’t subtract without a calculator after midnight in the dark. The good news is, it worked out well in my favor!

8. What I don’t know could fill an ocean, but I like the view from my island and scuba diving has taken on a whole new meaning.

9. “Sweet in the Morning,” by Bobby McFerrin is actually a good way to end a day.

10. Men carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. Women carry it on their hips.

11. “No More Drama,” by Mary J. Blige is a great song… but it gets me all riled up and makes me want to run all over town kicking drama’s sorry butt in whatever form it takes. Just knowing I could will have to be enough for now because I’m all about solving issues non-violently…but sing on Mary J. Sing on.

12. I can be so busy I can hardly see straight and be completely bored simultaneously. It’s an interesting sensation, and a frustrating one, too.

13. I relearn this lesson often: I can’t change anyone else. The only person I can change is me, and only with God’s help.

14. There are reasons, too numerous to mention, of why I’m not in charge. Of anything.

15. I can. Sometimes I just don’t.

16. I am simultaneously my own best friend and my worst enemy.

16. Stubbornness can get me into trouble, but it can also get me through.

17. That “do unto others” and “love your neighbor” thing can sometimes be extremely difficult or danged near impossible.

18. No matter how many times I take in the waist of these jeans, they still find a way to slide down my hips and come to the precarious point of “not going to fall off,” but “get ready to trip!”

19. I’m addicted to popcorn. I blame Orville Redenbacher and that summer I worked on a popcorn seed farm – also the place where I learned to misuse words like, “stalking.”

20. I am richly blessed with friends that I love more than I can put into words.

21. I stay up too late… but I’m not kidding when I say I’m not tired right now.

22. I will one day adequately define, “Ditto-ocity.” I’ll let you try to figure out what that is for now.

23. I really like me. I really, really do.

24. Slowing down is different than not being in a hurry.

25. Laughter is the only medicine on which I am incapable of overdosing.

Sweet in the morning…

Posted in poetry, Yahweh's fingerprints

UNTITLED

Posted on by sassysheisme

I saw a glimpse of her today –
The laughing child wrapped in innocence,
The one I couldn’t protect.
How I’ve tried to love her,
to keep what’s left of her
Safe.
Out of the corner of her eye,
She saw what was to come,
And because she loves me
She will walk through the fires of hell,
For she knows that trial by flame
Will make me the woman I am today.

– Sharon R. Ziegler (9-29-09)

Posted in poetry, Yahweh's fingerprints

FORGIVENESS

Posted on by sassysheisme

Forgiveness
by Sharon R Ziegler

I thought perhaps when I
stopped feeling hot, molten lava in my gut
whenever I thought of you…
that was forgiveness.

Or when I finally
slept through the night unaided by pills and
the nightmares subsided…
that was forgiveness.

Or when I let myself
speak your name
and not choke on it as it escaped my lips…
that was forgiveness.

I don’t think it’s forgiveness
when my fingers are still
firmly gripped around your throat.

And I may never forget.
I don’t know that forgetting is possible.
But I have to let go of your throat.
Your life is not mine and mine is not yours.

Someone still sees you as redeemable
And as long as that possibility exists…
It’s not my job to be your judge and jury.

And as I let go, my fingers are sore
And your neck is bruised.
You were breathing anyway.
But now I’m free to feel something real.

Posted in Lent, Yahweh's fingerprints

WHEN HEARTS BREAK, GOD FALLS IN

Posted on by sassysheisme

Years ago, a counselor looked me in the eye and confirmed that I had absolutely no nurturing skills. As much as that ticked me off at the time, I came to find she was right. Though I was good with kids, though I had friends, I didn’t know how to nurture. At all.

I grew up in something of a nurturing vacuum. It isn’t a surprise, really, then that I struggled with keeping relationships alive. I had nothing to give and didn’t know how to give anything to a relationship to nourish it and make it grow.

So my counselor told me to get a teddy bear. I was dubious, but decided to complete the assignment. I bought a cute little teddy bear with a bow tie named Henry. I held Henry a lot but soon thought Henry might be lonely, so I bought another bear named Sam. Henry and Sam were polar opposites, if teddy bears could be so. Henry had his bow tie, Sam still wears the same hoodie he came with. Henry is a very proper bear, represents the child who always does the right thing, follows the rules, and, if a real boy, would grow up to invent something spectacular from within his wonderful brain. Sam… Sam is represents the child who tends to get into trouble from time to time with grownups because he feels the need to see how far rules will stretch, how creatively he can pursue this stretching, and he makes the grownups face their rigidness with all these rules and patterns that Sam just can’t fit into.

I had to hold these bears a lot. I had to imagine that the nurturing they were receiving was actually making a difference. I had to suspend reality to break out of the box my brain was in that said there was no way I was learning anything from this exercise.

Then one day I realized I was holding the two halves of myself that warred with each other. Henry was who I was as a kid, the people pleasing perfectionist who walked the line set out before me by people who had planned out who I was going to be long before I was born. Sam was who I really wanted to be, but didn’t dare try to become, because a lot of things about what Sam represented didn’t make any sense to me.

I love both Sam and Henry. There are good aspects to each of them and there are bad ones as well. I had to find the combination of all these parts that make me… me. Then I had to find a way to nurture that authentic self.

I’m not sure that’s what my counselor was going for, but it happened nonetheless. I still don’t know what it means that I made both of those bears male. I still don’t know what it means that they were so different or that I felt the need to complicate the assignment with two bears. I may never figure that out, but that assignment was important for me in many ways.

I think I’ve learned to love fairly freely, as much as I’ve learned how anyway. I still have a long way to go, but I have improved greatly. I have had some sustained close relationships. I love more freely, regardless of what comes back to me. Sometimes I get loved back. Sometimes I get hurt.

It was recently that I discovered that though I fear rejection and hurt, I fear being loved in return more. I’ve experienced love in return and it’s a frightening, fearsome thing. It’s difficult for me to receive love, a love that will nourish me and help me grow, but grow I must, or I will not be able to keep raising the standard of how I love people.

Loving people…imperfect beings… is hard. Somehow I have to open the valve and let some of that love that I’m giving back inside if I hope to keep growing in my ability to love.

Guarding my heart so well… has led me to an empty place. I’ve been afraid of my heart breaking, but it gets broken anyway. I can’t protect it, only God can. God surrounds me with his love, so when my heart breaks, he falls into every crack… and heals me. I have experienced God in new ways when my heart shatters into so many pieces that only God can put it together again.

I have learned from the heartbreak, now I must learn from being open to receiving love. A new adventure for the new, authentic me.

A man asks his rabbi, “Why does God write the law on our hearts? Why not in our hearts? It’s the inside of my heart that needs God.” The rabbi answered, “God never forces anything into a human heart. He writes the word on our hearts so that when our hearts break, God falls in.”

Posted in Lent, pics, relationships, Yahweh's fingerprints

KEYS

Posted on by sassysheisme

Lent is upon us again.

Last night I made pancakes for two friends and we enjoyed each others’ company and enjoyed a tradition of what many do the night before Lent. We celebrated Fat Tuesday, the last night for forty days to indulge before entering a season of reflection, prayer, and fasting.

After my friends left, I pondered what I might learn during this Lenten season… Many things entered my mind, but nothing concrete hit me as I fell asleep.

When I woke up, however, I was overwhelmed by a deep notion that there was more of me left to heal. The heart of a terrified, eight-year old girl that I’ve tried to protect all my life. The age when I recoiled slowly inside myself, when I truly believe I lost the road map to what it truly means to be a woman… losing the desire to be feminine, the “weaker” vessel, when I made myself tough and self-reliant.

Long story short, though the adult me has found healing, I’ve protected the child inside me from having to deal with the abuse. While I’ve known that deep down somewhere… I just never could acknowledge it.

I began to cry and tried to get on with the tasks at hand – getting up, eating breakfast, going to work. I kept crying. I was so overwhelmed.

I’ve done so much soul-searching lately and I blame/credit/acknowledge that’s because I have this new set of little brothers (which is odd to say because they’re both so dang tall) who help me more than they know. Both these guys approach challenges in different ways and both are wise beyond their years. They have each taught me more in such a short time than I could possibly teach them in a lifetime. Fun thing is they really don’t know it and I can picture both faces if I actually said all this to them. Above all, they make me laugh and smile, which are gifts I cherish in friends.

One brother has been a steadfast rudder in my life. He isn’t predictable by any means, but I know exactly what to expect from him. He speaks softly, but the weight of his words often hits me between the eyes with some force. He has such a peaceful soul, and has been so tolerant and understanding and willing to put up with me being all over the map sometimes. He gets excited about my dreams and discoveries. He is a gentle man who weighs his weighty words and finds something good to say about everybody and everything or he won’t say much at all. He’s someone I want to be like when I grow up.

The other brother, whom I only recently connected with, but feel like I’ve known forever… He’s the one who asks me all these soul-searching questions (and I’m like, do you even know me?!) that I’ve actually let myself think about and even dare to answer. When he commits to someone or some thing, he is ALL in. He ponders deeply, and is my complex, but transparent (to me) onion.

Oh, those walls, those shields… I know what they are. I’ve lived with them for 32 years. The extra weight of protection. The sarcasm. The toughness. The “at arm’s length.” The list is long. What I do know is that these walls keep me closed to love and keep me from truly pursuing my womanhood fully.

Yes, I am a woman. Yes, I do many feminine things, but I never have embraced my femininity. To embrace that part of myself, I have to let go of some fears and lies. I have to unfold and let that 8 year old girl, still innocent, who loved flowers and kittens and dolls and dresses grow up outside that room that I’ve protected her in and let her experience life out here, come what may.

The door creaked open and I can’t describe what I feel right now. Just know this is the scariest thing I’ve ever done because it’s from the scariest place I’ve ever been.

I’m still not certain what any of this means for the next forty days. Lest you think I will start wearing lace and hot pink… you would be mistaken. I don’t know that this is what that is about. What I do know is that as these walls fall down, I will know myself more intimately than I ever have before.

What I have discovered by re-examining the past few weeks, though, is that I find myself discovering more what it means to be a woman by being book-ended by two people who know how to treat someone who is vulnerable and in the midst of change.

As the walls fall down, the more I am able to freely give of myself in creative ways, and I look forward to that over the next forty days as well.

I go to sleep tonight so grateful, so encouraged and hopeful.

Buckle up, y’all. It’s going to be an interesting ride.

Posted in music, Yahweh's fingerprints

HAPPINESS

Posted on by sassysheisme

The entire The Fray album is excellent, both lyrically and musically. I could listen to it all day long (ok, right now I do). My favorite songs are “You Found Me,” and the album closer, “Happiness.”

I listened to “Happiness” just once before I thought of a friend of mine and how we both wrestle with this beast. I love it when I listen to a song and it brings me to a person, place, a sigh, a conversation or confession. I think this song will be a favorite of mine for years to come, just because of how much takes hold of me even when I’m not listening to it.

Happiness isn’t a given, it’s a choice. It’s not a feeling, or a right, or person, or a thing. I believe happiness is something that happens when I choose hope and let it lead me to places I could never dream of on my own. Before happiness, there must be hope, and before I can choose happiness, I must choose hope.

Happiness…Look for it and you’ll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day you’ll wake up and she’ll be home

HAPPINESS
(Isaac Slade/The Fray)

Happiness was just outside my window
I thought it’d crash blowing eighty miles an hour
But happiness is a little more like knocking
On your door, you just let it in

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go
But you are gone, not for good but for now
And gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself that’s enough for now
But happiness has a violent roar

Happiness it’s like the old man told me
Look for it and you’ll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day you’ll wake up and she’ll be home

Posted in health, weight loss, Yahweh's fingerprints

NOT JUST ANOTHER PRETTY FACE

Posted on by sassysheisme

The other day I got in a picture-posting war with a friend of mine from college on Facebook. We started posting pictures from our college days. Of course, we did not post certain pictures… you know, we were kind to each other. I laughed as I went through each picture. Wow, did I have wardrobe and hair issues!

If some of these pictures had surfaced a few years ago, I would have been mortified. I used to be consumed with what people thought of me and was convinced people’s acceptance of me greatly depended on how perfect my hair was, or how stylish my clothes were or how I looked in them. One day a friend pointed out that perhaps people didn’t think as much about how I looked or what I did as I thought they did. She was right.

Somewhere down the road, I became comfortable in my own skin. My face, my hair, my weight… how I look in pictures… it all is what it is. Most of me is fluffy. I could stand to lose a few pounds, simply for health reasons. Most of us could. I don’t obsess over my weight though. Not anymore. My two chins have grown comfortable with each other. If one were to disappear, the other would leave to go find it and bring it back. Then I’d look really odd, but I still wouldn’t care.

Yes, there are days when I still have bad hair days, my face still breaks out, and some days my jeans are too tight. The biggest difference is how I view myself as a whole… or rather, how I view myself as whole.

I’m not even close to the end of the road, but I am thankful to have finally hit this milestone. I’m sure there will be a day when I will burst into tears when I don’t think I look just right, but I hope I can remember that life isn’t about being another pretty face…and that no matter what anyone says or thinks, it is a pretty face.

Posted in weather, Yahweh's fingerprints

WHEN THE WIND CHANGES

Posted on by sassysheisme

Whenever I look out my window at work, I can tell by which way the flags are blowing what to expect from the weather when I walk outside. All day today, I watched the flags outside my window blow in the muggy, southerly wind, but right before I went home from work, slowly the wind direction changed. The air from the northwest was cold and much drier when I walked outside, a welcome relief.

As I learned with Hurricane Ike, the wind can destroy and damage. When I go to the Hill Country, the gentle breezes are a welcome relief from the heat that so often bears down on Texas. Other times, the wind is oppressively absent and the hair hangs on my skin in thick, wet blankets.

Often I feel as if I live life leaning into the wind, caught off balance when the wind subsides or changes direction. I am trying to learn how to tell when the wind is going to change by being observant of the small things that happen in life, as well as the big ones. Sometimes, though, wind change just can’t be predicted.

Yesterday, the wind changed directions abruptly for many friends of mine. One friend in particular found out, on his birthday of all days, that at the end of February he will no longer have a job. The list of casualties is long, and each time I think about it, my heart is heavy for my friends.

Had I stayed at my previous job, my name would be on the list of those now wondering what their future holds. I would be in shock, I would be angry, I would be grieving. Loudly.

I’ve been careful not to fill my friends’ ears with platitudes. Fact is, their current situation sucks. I’ve been let go before. One day you are working in a job with purpose, not perfect, but still, a job, and the next day you are holding a severance check in one hand and a stack of bills in the other wondering what’s next and terrified to ask, “what’s next?” The disorientation is suffocating and the next step isn’t clear.