Category: Yahweh’s fingerprints

Posted in friends, relationships, Yahweh's fingerprints

FOR MY GROWING

Posted on by sassysheisme


The last couple of weeks have stretched me tremendously. For months now I have seen my comfort zone in my rearview mirror, but now I think I’ve changed zip codes.

I’ll blog about my weekend retreat later this week. It was amazing and a real growing time for me. Tonight, though, I wanted to sit and process the end of an era in my life.

My roommate is sleeping in her new apartment tonight and for the first time in seven years, I am living on my own. God worked it out that we would only live 100 steps from each other (yes, I counted), but still, it feels incredibly odd that she won’t be living here anymore. Her leap of faith was a hop, skip and a jump, but she took it nonetheless. Hopefully she’ll take me up on my offer to do laundry in return for baked goods and we’ll see each other more often than not.

I look back at the last seven years and look at how much I’ve changed and I thank God for such a patient and understanding roommate. She helped me through some of the darkest times of my life and we’ve had many fun moments together as well. She has helped me navigate the minefield that is my life and I’ve emerged with all my limbs intact. I am grateful and know that relationship will continue, but it will be different… and I have to embrace that change.

Tomorrow night I will come home late and find my apartment half empty. While I’m excited to see what God has in store during this growing time, my heart is a bit sad. 100 steps away is a lot farther than five.

Posted in relationships, Yahweh's fingerprints

THE LOVING KIND

Posted on by sassysheisme

Killing someone’s dreams or doing whatever it takes to stunt someone’s growth is one of the most cruel, most heartless acts of selfishness that one person can do to another.

I’ve been so guilty of this that I cannot throw stones at the people that are just as guilty of such a horrendous act. I’ve also been in someone else’s fearful grip so I know both sides of this coin. The only thing I can do is take what I’ve learned from both experiences and help those I see whose dreams and growth are being squelched escape the dark vacuum, help their dreams come true and help them reach their full potential.

I remember when I allowed myself to be ruled by fear and held onto the things I believed I couldn’t live without so tightly I squeezed the life out of them. Because of fear, I lost all those things anyway, and in most cases, left them damaged as well.

Sometimes, I still get scared I’ll lose something and I can feel my grip tighten. Everything in me wants to hold on with both hands and never let go. Then I remember what it felt like to be in that chokehold and I have no choice but to let go. At times, this is a daily process for me, but I refuse to be ruled by fear and instead I have to give faith and hope a chance to work their miracles.

If you love something set it free… is one of those worn out sayings usually stuck on a sign with birds that are flying away… but it’s a mirror of truth that reminds me that to offer someone I love the freedom to be themselves, or the freedom to reach their potential is the most loving thing I can do.

I must continue to be loving to myself as well. I must let go of the past and allow myself the freedom to reach my full potential. The more I grow, the more loving I will be, and when I look back at my life, I want to be remembered as the loving kind.

Posted in Lent, Yahweh's fingerprints

EASTER AT DAYBREAK

Posted on by sassysheisme

The last time I got up at 5 AM was… well, it was… I think it was… a Thanksgiving a long time ago when we got up and drove with droopy eyes in hopes of arriving in San Angelo in time for the Thanksgiving feast. We drove in darkness for quite some time and then the sun rose, I’m almost certain of it… but the rest of the trip was shrouded in a dense fog, so I could barely tell the sun had made an appearance.

This morning, I got up at 5 AM to go to a sunrise service at my church. The service was not a big production – in fact, it was what one might call Ecclesia Unplugged. Robbie played an acoustic guitar and led worship and all voices that were heard were lifted up sans microphone. There was an absence of Power Point and the pomp and circumstance that an Easter service might have elsewhere (and not that there’s anything wrong with that). The service was simple and beautiful, and is one of the many reasons I have gone home to Ecclesia.

The service began in the darkness at 6:30 AM in the courtyard (last year it began at 5:30 AM and when they emerged an hour later, it was still dark). We lit candles and sang a song, then processed inside where selections from the word of God were read aloud, telling the story of the risen Saviour from the creation of the world to his ressurrection. After more singing and communion, we processed back to the courtyard, where the sun had broken the horizon and disappeared behind the clouds. We sang again and were dismissed into the dim light of the day.

Those that know me, know I’m not lucid most days before 9 AM. I was back home with a cup of Starbuck’s in my hand and partaking of some oatmeal by 8:15. I fully remember and enjoyed this morning’s service and am thankful I made it to experience sunrise with the community I’m making my journey with.

As Lent closes, I’m reminded that if it takes 21 days to create a habit, then in 40 days, I’d like to think I’ve created a new attitude for myself, one of hope and not fear, and now I look forward and pray I can keep feeding that new attitude and face my next leap of faith at a dead run.

Posted in about shae, friends, Lent, Yahweh's fingerprints

WHAT MOTIVATES YOU?

Posted on by sassysheisme

I was sitting at a table at Collina’s last Saturday with a friend of mine. Our conversations are usually deep and fast paced and I tread water in the ocean of his intelligence as best I can. Just when I think I’m keeping up, he almost always switches gears on me and there’s a trainwreck in my head, and this time was no different.

I don’t even remember exactly what we were talking about at that juncture of the conversation, but while I was trying to process what he’d been saying, he suddenly asked, “what motivates you?”

Most of you that know me, know I am a ponderer. I weigh my words carefully and choose them with purpose… and if I don’t, I often don’t make sense or unwittingly contradict myself because I haven’t thought things through. Sometimes this weighing of words is a quick process, other times, depending on the subject matter, it takes a couple of days.

I don’t get the luxury of pondering with this friend most of the time. His brain runs at full speed unless he’s sleeping. When he asks a question, his brain has already moved beyond my answer, because nearly every question he’s ever asked me is a bridge to a point that pops into his head at any given moment.

My brain zips along at a pretty good clip most of the time, but I still would rather think about what I’m going to say before I say it. Still,I try to keep up with him as best I can so he threw the question out there and I responded with the first thing that popped into my head.

“What motivates you?”

“Health. Health motivates me. I don’t care what I look like or if I’m thin… I just want to be healthy.” (and for me, that’s in all areas of my life, not just weight)

I could tell by looking at him that I’d hit the tip of the iceberg of what he intended that question to grow into. He let me finish, then he firmly pushed one of my buttons and said that I needed to do whatever I could to succeed, not just to prove the naysayers in my life wrong (you know, the people who said, “you’re not a writer,” “dreams are for other people,” etc), but to make sure that my father “doesn’t win,” and that if I don’t succeed, if I let life pass me by, my father most definitely wins.

I sat there and let his words wash over me. Very few people understand what I’ve been though let alone verbalize that they not only understand, but they know I can use that pain and turn it into purpose… that I need to use my past to motivate me as I build my future. My friend has done this to me before – pushed a button and taken me off guard and forced my brain to churn out one word or a phrase that can’t possibly encompass all I want to say. He’s really good at it, in fact (and I’m sure he knows it).

His questions or phrases hit me – zip! and those are the times I nod numbly, wishing I could pause him for a few minutes while I come up with a response. Instead, we usually forge on, and he gets an email hours or days later when I’ve thought over his question and the things I wished I could have said in the midst of the conversation.

The phrase, “what motivates you?” stayed with me a few days. More words poured into my head – a woman spoke at our church and talked about how she once was motivated by fear… I read or heard how money or power or security motivates others. I pondered it all for a few days, but what I really wanted to let him know, besides being right, was that I was grateful for his encouragement… because encouragement also motivates me.

I’ve been blessed over the years to have a core group of cheerleaders who have spurred me on, who at times, when I wanted to let go and give up on everything, have grabbed the cross with one hand, and clung to me with the other. These friends have lifted me up, cheered me on, filled up my tank and kept me going when so many walked away and gave up on me. I wouldn’t be where I am today without them… my persistent, loving, encouraging posse.

I don’t know why I’m surprised then when my wheels start spinning again or when I feel like I’m never going to turn that corner or be able to leave that hurt or hinderance behind, that one of the posse steps up. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, either, when the source of that encouragement comes from a most unexpected place.

Why is it unexpected? It’s unexpected because, for most of my life, my posse has been made up of women for many reasons. If I continue to only let women speak into my life, I know my father wins. I’ve long known that, but in the past I’ve opened myself up to the wrong people, including men, and have been broken and ripped apart because of it. The old me had horrendous friend choosing skills and I paid for it dearly.

Fast forward to the new me, the me motivated by being healthy and a healthy person, and times have changed. In the past five months, I’ve taken leaps of faith that have drastically altered the course of my life. And, in the past two weeks, I’ve opened myself up to a new group of people…men included… and I’ve tried so hard not to hold the men at arm’s length. Though I’m still scared to death of even a close friendship with a man… I know that distance is motivated by fear. And isn’t fear… the black cloud that follows me… isn’t that what I’ve purposed to put behind me during this Lent?

I’ve gone against every impulse of self preservation in the last few months and not to say it’s been painless, but I’ve emerged on the other side a more courageous person… who still has a long way to go… but a person who is reaping the rewards of leaving fear in my rearview mirror.

My friend has told me more than once that strong hearts always make a comeback even after they get ripped to shreds. If I keep telling him he’s right, he’s going to get a big head, but he is again correct in his assessment. I’ve risked a lot for this friendship and have gone against my very nature to take baby steps with him and I think it’s paid off in ways I haven’t even began to ponder yet. I can ask him anything, and I’ve returned that sentiment, which is why I’m still pondering motivation a week later.

I’m no longer fearful of building on the new relationships that have formed the past few months, and I’ve gotten there one tiny, deliberate, purposeful step at a time. I’ve discovered my heart is a lot stronger than I’ve ever given it credit for and I’m motivated to keep walking down this path to find out where it leads.

I am motivated by health and by encouragement (among other things). What motivates you?

Posted in about shae, Yahweh's fingerprints

SHE IS ME…

Posted on by sassysheisme

When you peel away the layers of me, what lies at my core is my story. The story of me… the story of how I came to be at this moment in my life… the person who sits here now, typing away, the person I am when the lights are off and the world sleeps. I am she, and she is me.

Right now, my brain feels like scrambled eggs, or as a young friend once insisted they be called, “scrambies.” (Because he’d eat scrambies, but if you said the word “eggs” around him… nightmare). So my brain feels like scrambies.

I’ve had quite an emotional week. I opened up my soul and shared it with a group of people I’m investing in, and they in return are investing in me. It’s the first time in such a long time that I’ve been vulnerable with people outside my core group, and to say I was petrified to do so would be a gross understatement.

Since I’ve been on a quest to feel, I knew this day would come… the day I would sit down and open myself up for rejection and hurt. But that’s part of feeling, isn’t it? You can’t feel joy without feeling pain… you can’t feel happiness without at some point feeling sadness. Each side of this very fickle coin go hand in hand. One side cannot exist without the other.

I’ve experienced my share of sorrow, so does this mean I will have happiness now instead? Perhaps, but what I feel is that when sorrow comes I’ll know happiness is on the other side, and I know I will get through to it now. Will I ever feel rejection again? I’m certain of it, but what was reinforced to me this week is that won’t always be the case. Sometimes you open up your soul and love awaits on the other side.

I’ve never thought of myself as a courageous person, but courage is what it took to take the major leap I did this week.

Posted in Yahweh's fingerprints

FLYING OFF A CLIFF

Posted on by sassysheisme

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

I’ve spent years trapped in my own insane asylum. I didn’t like it much in there, yet I continued to make choices that kept me stuck inside… and to this day, I couldn’t tell you why. I know I was sick. I know I was broken. I know I was my own worst enemy…but I couldn’t break the cycle.

And if I lose it all… will I find it again?

I find myself back at a point in my life where I’ve been given a second chance to embark on a journey – this time as a much healthier person. I still battle with remnants of lunacy, but by far I know I am much saner than I used to be. I’m taking baby steps – some steps I’ve taken before, but not as the me I am now. Other steps I would never have taken before, but I take them because I must will my feet to take me in a new direction, a new way with limitless possibilities.

And if I lose it all… will I find it again?

I’ve stood on the edge of a mountain overlook and gazed down at the jagged rocks below with that sick feeling in my stomach that if I lean forward one more inch, it’s all over… I’m a vulture’s breakfast.

And if I lose it all… will I find it again?

Do I really want it back?

Posted in Lent, Yahweh's fingerprints

BAREFOOT PUDDLE JUMPING

Posted on by sassysheisme

A few years back I gave up my negative attitude for Lent. I made myself look for the silver lining in every cloud, made myself not say anything if I couldn’t think of something positive to say, and I gave hope a fighting chance. To say that experience was life-altering would be an understatement of epic proportions. If it takes 21 days to create a habit, then in 40 days, I’d created a new attitude for myself.

Not that there aren’t days when the black cloud doesn’t follow me around. I still spend too much time waiting for it to rain on my parade and when my life is going well, I wait for the other shoe to drop. Something is going to come along and ruin this perfect (thing), I just know it. I can’t help myself. A little bit of the negative still remains.

So a dear friend of mine (who suffers from this same perspective affliction) and I decided that it was time for the black cloud and his silly little shoe to take a hike and Lent was the perfect time to do it. We agreed to feel our way through Lent, good or bad, and live each day as if the black cloud had disappeared… and if she rained on us, then we’d feel through the rain, too.

Within 24 hours after making this choice, I was blind sighted left, right, sideways, upright and upside down. By the end of the week, I felt like a battered rag doll in a thunderstorm. Still, I managed to keep the black cloud at bay, but not before I’d shed many tears and wondered aloud when the storm would stop.

When I was a kid, after it would rain, I would go run and jump in the puddles barefooted and that’s what I’m trying to do now. Whatever comes my way, I’ll work my way through it and enjoy it or endure it for what it is. It’s all about how I choose to look at the situation and how I deal with it.

If it takes 21 days to create a habit, then in 40 days, I hope to create another point of view for myself. When the black cloud comes for a visit, or I begin to look for falling shoes, I’ll go barefoot puddle jumping and feel the wonder of it all.

Posted in Yahweh's fingerprints

SUCKUARY

Posted on by sassysheisme

Over the past 8 years, January has become known to me as Suckuary. So many bad or “downer” things have happened in my life during this month that it’s all I can do not to say, “Happy New Year!” and wish I could skip to Groundhog Day.

This year, however, I started out January 1st ever determined to not just get through Suckuary, but to turn it around, so to speak. The first week turned out all right, then I hit a significant roadblock this week that had a bigger impact than it should just because of the timing of it.

I put my foot down, declaring, “Suckuary. Ends. This. Year!” I enlisted people to pray for me. I woke up each day determined to keep my focus and meet each Suckuary reminder/event head on.

I want to reclaim January as a positive month on my calendar. January used to be so much fun. January includes not only my birthday, but the birthdays of several friends. January was full of great memories — a higher number of snow days we could play in, basketball games, skating, bowling, and all sorts of good times.

I’ve realized that Suckuary exists only because I’ve allowed it to have power in my life. Suckuary can only end if I make up my mind that it ends and make choices based out of that mindset.

Suckuary. Ends. This. Year.

Posted in about shae, Yahweh's fingerprints

FEEDING THE DUMPSTER

Posted on by sassysheisme

In the last year, I have decreased my clutter by at least 60% (if not more). Today, while cleaning up Christmas decorations, I got rid of another box full of ornaments and decorations I haven’t displayed in years. Last week, I emptied my closet of 6 bags of clothes and shoes (and this is after getting rid of 12 bags the year before when we moved). I also have another box of old plates and decorative dishes ready to go out. I know I still have quite a bit of work to do, but I’m on the right track. The more I simplify, the happier I am.

I have a lot of “insulation” falling away. There’s nothing wrong with having things. There’s nothing wrong with having more than one thing. There is something wrong with opening a box after I’ve moved it twice and it hasn’t been opened in 7 years and it’s not something I plan on passing on to my children (like the deteriorating antique German Bible).

Jene’ and I have talked about this a lot lately, but just as I insulated myself with weight to protect myself emotionally, I insulated myself with things to keep from having to deal with my life. Now that I’m dealing with my life, I don’t need all the things. Seems simple, but it took a lifetime to get here.

Today, as I opened box after box and screamed, “what is this crap?!” and “why in the world would I keep this?” I found it easy to put the crap in the discard pile. There are still things in my life that might have to be pried from my cold, dead fingers, but the totality of it might actually fit in my cold, dead fingers now.

The more I morph from the old me to the new me (Sassy), the more I rejoice that I can leave more of the old me behind both literally and figuratively.

Someday, I’ll probably be cleaning and still saying, “why do I still have this?!” but for now I’ll be content that I can now do a somersault on my closet floor.

Posted in about shae, health, weight loss, Yahweh's fingerprints

HOW TO LOOK GOOD NAKED

Posted on by sassysheisme

I’m watching the new Lifetime show How to Look Good Naked, starring Carson Kressley. I heart Carson because he has a true, deep, abiding compassion for people. Besides reruns of Will & Grace, you’d be hard pressed to get me to watch anything on Lifetime, but I like I said, I heart Carson.

The show is almost over, but I’ve had several flashbacks of shopping with Jene’, my own pint-sized guru ala the BBC hit, What Not to Wear. Jene’ will testify that in the past I’ve been a walking billboard for What Not to Wear. She’s the one who taught me how to buy the right size of bra (it’s SO important) and the person who made me swear never to wear pink again or other blue based reds (and for that I will love her forever). She’s also helped me go through my closet, saying things like, “1990, no, 1987, no…1984 called, they want… this…back,” and my favorite, “Rebecca of Sunnybrook farm called…she wants her dress back.”

More than anything as I’ve watched this show, the thing I noticed about the featured young woman was how her attitude changed. She made a transformation in one day that takes some women a lifetime to make. Regardless of the outward changes this woman made, the ultimate transformation happened inside. Ultimately, she embraced herself as she was. The rest of her “look” just fell into place.

Carson gets it. He stood in front of the mirror with this woman and asked her to talk about how she saw herself. He knows beauty begins with how a woman sees herself, and that…starts on the inside. If he’d just put her on a diet and given her a makeover, he would have failed her miserably. She would never have made a true, lasting transformation.

I don’t have a specific point in time where I can say, “this is the day I stopped hating my body,” but I can say that I no longer hate my body. That transformation, however, didn’t begin with the right bra or getting to throw away one of my pink shirts. The transformation didn’t happen after I’d lost weight or gotten a great haircut. The transformation started on the inside.

Inside. The place within all of us that holds our secrets, our hopes, our dreams, and our self-loathing. Inside is the part that can be covered with designer clothing yet still be a pit of despair. Some of the ugliest people I’ve known could be magazine cover models, but their inside is a self-esteem vacuum.

Sadly, many women believe they’d be sexier if they lost weight. Not true. I know many women who know they are sexy and they’re full figured women who have learned to embrace their curves and love themselves. The inside change, not weight loss, was the key to loving their bodies. The more I’ve learned to love myself, the less of a challenge weight loss actually is… because it’s not about looking good (outside), it’s about feeling good and being healthy (inside).

I’ve spent nearly a decade now working on the inside of me. After two decades of working on the outside with diets and desperation and hiding behind a facade of false happiness, I finally came face to face with myself and dove in and what I uncovered scared the hell out of me.

Once I could admit to myself I’d been abused and that how I’d been treated wasn’t normal, I knew I had to do something about my state of mind, and my state inside. I had to change how I thought, how I acted, how I believed. It’s taken seven years, but I finally feel like the best version of myself. My real, genuine self.

I wouldn’t trade that real, genuine self for anything. No man, no job, no amount of money or status would make me go back to where I was. I love who I am now. I look in the mirror and I like what I see because I see beyond my smile and I see inside, and I’m healthier than I’ve ever been in every sense of the word. It took a long time, and it was a sometimes painful journey, but I’ve learned that the secret of how to look good naked begins within.