Posted in Yahweh's fingerprints

FLYING OFF A CLIFF

Posted on by sassysheisme

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

I’ve spent years trapped in my own insane asylum. I didn’t like it much in there, yet I continued to make choices that kept me stuck inside… and to this day, I couldn’t tell you why. I know I was sick. I know I was broken. I know I was my own worst enemy…but I couldn’t break the cycle.

And if I lose it all… will I find it again?

I find myself back at a point in my life where I’ve been given a second chance to embark on a journey – this time as a much healthier person. I still battle with remnants of lunacy, but by far I know I am much saner than I used to be. I’m taking baby steps – some steps I’ve taken before, but not as the me I am now. Other steps I would never have taken before, but I take them because I must will my feet to take me in a new direction, a new way with limitless possibilities.

And if I lose it all… will I find it again?

I’ve stood on the edge of a mountain overlook and gazed down at the jagged rocks below with that sick feeling in my stomach that if I lean forward one more inch, it’s all over… I’m a vulture’s breakfast.

And if I lose it all… will I find it again?

Do I really want it back?

Posted in Lent, Yahweh's fingerprints

BAREFOOT PUDDLE JUMPING

Posted on by sassysheisme

A few years back I gave up my negative attitude for Lent. I made myself look for the silver lining in every cloud, made myself not say anything if I couldn’t think of something positive to say, and I gave hope a fighting chance. To say that experience was life-altering would be an understatement of epic proportions. If it takes 21 days to create a habit, then in 40 days, I’d created a new attitude for myself.

Not that there aren’t days when the black cloud doesn’t follow me around. I still spend too much time waiting for it to rain on my parade and when my life is going well, I wait for the other shoe to drop. Something is going to come along and ruin this perfect (thing), I just know it. I can’t help myself. A little bit of the negative still remains.

So a dear friend of mine (who suffers from this same perspective affliction) and I decided that it was time for the black cloud and his silly little shoe to take a hike and Lent was the perfect time to do it. We agreed to feel our way through Lent, good or bad, and live each day as if the black cloud had disappeared… and if she rained on us, then we’d feel through the rain, too.

Within 24 hours after making this choice, I was blind sighted left, right, sideways, upright and upside down. By the end of the week, I felt like a battered rag doll in a thunderstorm. Still, I managed to keep the black cloud at bay, but not before I’d shed many tears and wondered aloud when the storm would stop.

When I was a kid, after it would rain, I would go run and jump in the puddles barefooted and that’s what I’m trying to do now. Whatever comes my way, I’ll work my way through it and enjoy it or endure it for what it is. It’s all about how I choose to look at the situation and how I deal with it.

If it takes 21 days to create a habit, then in 40 days, I hope to create another point of view for myself. When the black cloud comes for a visit, or I begin to look for falling shoes, I’ll go barefoot puddle jumping and feel the wonder of it all.

Posted in meme
Posted on by sassysheisme

Dana has tagged me for a Book Meme.

Of course one must post the rules:

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

I have a stack of books by my bed I haven’t read and there’s probably 20 more I haven’t read on my black shelves. I should not buy books until I read through these. (Laughs) Like that will happen!

A book I have read that I keep by my bed is, In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day, by Mark Batterson. On page 123 is a summary of bullet points for Chapter 6 but no paragraphs. So, since I’m already a little off with rules 3 & 4, I’m going to just list the bullet points. They’re all great anyway.

– Small changes and small choices become magnified over time and have major consequences.

– Sometimes taking a calculated risk means giving up something good so you can experience something great.
– One courageous choice may be the only thing between you and your dream becoming a reality.

– The goal of faith is not the elimination of risk.

– A relationship with God is the ultimate win/win relationship because you can never give up more than you get back.

– We won’t regret the mistakes we made as much as the God-ordained opportunities we missed.

– There is nothing passive about following Christ.

I don’t know if I will tag anyone or not… if you hear from me, thou art tagged.

Posted in random, weight loss

SEW WHAT

Posted on by sassysheisme

One of the great things about my new job is that I can wear pretty much whatever I want. Therefore, I wear jeans most days. Trouble is, I have two pairs of jeans that actually fit. I was not wearing one of those pairs yesterday.

I was walking down the hallway, my jeans clinging only slightly to my hips, therefore being a little longer than I’m used to. I took a step forward and nearly tripped over my jeans. I had I succeeded, my jeans would have slid down my legs in a heartbeat. I probably would have laughed about it in 20 years.

My only saving grace would have been that I took a little girl’s advice: “If your pants are going to fall down you should be wearing pretty panties.” Thanks, Julia.

I’ve been hitting the clearance racks everywhere I can think of to pick up some tops. I can never find pants I like, but tonight I struck gold at Target and bought two pairs of cargo pants that fit. In the Misses section.

Despite my finds, I’m going to break out the sewing machine this weekend and dart some pants and shorts and try to extend their lives just a little longer so I don’t have to buy clothes for a while.

I hope I don’t have to go buy thread…

Posted in about shae, random

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT MYSELF

Posted on by sassysheisme

Every once in a while, I take a personal inventory and now is as good a time as any to reveal some of the random/strange things I have learned about myself.

1. I can no longer pull an “all nighter” for fun, though the person I was with, 15 years my junior, fell asleep before I did.

2. I can no longer drink an unlimited amount of soda in 36 hours’ time. I am super-sensitive to sugar now and the sugar hangovers feel worse than a “regular” hangover.

3. I can no longer wear hip, cool shoes, especially those with heels over an inch. If they make my feet hurt in the store… well… chances are I can’t wear them longer than 10 minutes and frankly, what’s the point? I am not one of those women who will endure pain for fashion.

4. When feeling the euphoria of carpe diem, remember to pack comfy shoes and a snack.

5. If coloring one’s hair a shade lighter produces “blonder” behavior, going a shade darker doesn’t reverse the trend.

6. Two snapeas does not a meal make.

7. If I know a high protein breakfast starts my day out best, perhaps I should eat a high protein breakfast every day.

8. A journey to the shrine of St. Arbuck’s is never wasted time.

9. If I leave my homework bag in the middle of the floor, I can’t get upset about tripping over it. Dems da berries.

10. I am as old as I feel. Today, that would mean I feel like I did when I was 21 years old. Last Monday, though, I felt about 60 (no offense to anyone out there who is 60 or older). Apparently I can feel several different ages in a short time period. I wish my body would just pick one, preferably on the lower end of the scale.

I’m sure I’ll learn something about myself later today as well…

Posted in Uncategorized

THE END OF SUCKUARY

Posted on by sassysheisme

In a little less than two hours, Suckuary will be over. I can’t say I’m all that sad about it. I’m looking forward to kicking Feburary into gear!

That said, hopefully I will get to blog a little more, but right now, my brain has officially shut down.

Posted in poetry, Writing

AND THIS IS HOW I FEEL

Posted on by sassysheisme

The warmth of the sun and the snap of the wind
The chill in the air and the breeze
I let raindrops fall on my face now
And this is how I feel
I laugh and the sound tickles others’ ears
I give grief a wanted reprieve
I can see farther than the horizon now
And this is how I feel

– by Shae, 01/25/08

Posted in Uncategorized

SUCKUARY UPDATE

Posted on by sassysheisme

As Suckuary draws to a close, I’d like to thank y’all for your prayers. I had a pretty good birthday and I’ve had my moments this week, but in all honesty, I truly feel like Suckuary is going to be a thing of the past. I’ve begun to reclaim January as a good month. It’s about time.

Posted in quoted, random

YEARNING

Posted on by sassysheisme

I was checking some of my favorite blogs today and came across a Khalil Gibran quote on Daley Hake’s site (incredible photography – check it out).

I would not exchange the sorrows of my heart for the joys of the multitude. And I would not have the tears that sadness makes to flow from my every part turn into laughter. I would that my life remain a tear and a smile. A tear to purify my heart and give me understanding of life’s secrets and hidden things. A smile to draw me nigh to the sons of my kinds and to be a symbol of my glorification of the gods. A tear to unite me with those of broken heart; a smile to be a sign of my joy in existence. I would rather that I die in yearning and longing than that I lived weary and despairing. I want to hunger for love and beauty to be in the depths of my spirit, for I have seen those who are satisfied the most wretched people. I have heard the sigh of those in yearning and longing, and it is sweeter than the sweetest melody. – Khalil Gibran

The part of this quote that stuck out to me (today) is: I would rather that I die in yearning and longing than that I lived weary and despairing.

When I think of yearning, I think of hunger. I have a few yearnings that, in learning to listen and not ignore what they’re trying to tell me, teach me more about myself than if I’d been handed everything I’d ever wanted and could recline satisfied.

It wasn’t that long ago I lived weary and despairing because I had nothing to yearn for. Then I learned that life isn’t about getting everything I want. All I learn about life if I get everything I want is… how to be full. Funny how sometimes being full is more uncomfortable than being hungry.

That’s your random thought for the evening. I’m going to listen to some more jazz and rain and go to bed.

Posted in music, random, weather

JAZZ & RAIN

Posted on by sassysheisme

Tonight, it’s raining in Houston, but it’s a gentle rain and not one of those downpours that make me wonder if I’ll be driving through standing water on the way to work.

Gentle rains seem to only come in the winter. In the summer, storms tear through town, dumping inches of rain in a small amount of time or the air is so thick with humidity it might as well be raining.

With my favorite shows on an indefinite hiatus (writer’s strike) there’s a glut of new reality and game shows in their place… and I’m not a big fan of either. There’s not any good sporting events on right now, so I turned to one of my Sirius jazz channels and I’m just chilling, listening to jazz and rain.

This is one of those random brain-fried posts, but at least I have good music to listen to.