Sassy Dreams Awake

MANY TRADITIONS NEW YEAR’S DAY HASH

Posted on January 1, 2016 by sassysheisme

I cook. I actually love to cook. That hasn’t always been true. While it may be rare to see a recipe here on this site, I had to share this one.

I am German/Swiss by heritage on my father’s side and I have lived in the South (Texas) for over 20 years now. Traditional food on New Year’s day for German heritage is pork and sauerkraut and for the South, black-eyed peas.

I haven’t been a fan of black-eyed peas, and due to dietary restrictions, I’ve had to lay off my traditional New Year’s Day pork – bratwurst. Last year, I played around with this dish, and this year, I perfected it.

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Many Traditions New Year’s Day Hash

INGREDIENTS

1 pound ground meat (turkey)
1 can blackeyed peas (Goya or Bush’s)
1 cup sauerkraut (glass jar only! Vlasic)
1/8 cup bacon bits
Penzeys Bavarian and Bratwurst seasonings to taste
Salt to taste

INSTRUCTIONS

Prepare meat in skillet until cooked thoroughly. Drain off any excess liquid.
Sprinkle in 1/8 cup bacon bits.
Add Bavarian and Bratwurst seasoning to taste.

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When meat is cooked, add 1 can blackeyed peas (drained).

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Simmer for 5 minutes then add 1 cup of sauerkraut (drained).

Simmer for 5 more minutes.
Add more seasonings to taste.

Enjoy!

Do you have any food traditions for New Year’s Day?

fearless, Push, Uncategorized

ONE WORD

Posted on December 31, 2015 by sassysheisme

push

I’ve read articles about choosing one word to guide you through a year. I’ve had “life words,” that have carried me through periods of my life, like “hope,” and “fearless.” “Fearless” will still be with me as I move forward. It’s still my primary life word.

That said, I decided to choose one word as a focus point for 2016. I wrote a list this morning that included words like, “thrive,” “purpose,” “beyond,” and “dare.” “Dare” almost won, but I finally settled on “push” because once I wrote it down, the word would not leave my mind.

“Push” resonated with me – it implies that force is needed. Push/pushing involves strength and risk and effort. For me, to push is a challenge that must be met with intention.

Several areas of my life need a push. Health, finances, career, creativity are the four main areas, but there are certainly more. I need to push boundaries, limitations, and expectations – both mine and others’.

I am by no means comfortable with/in my life, but I’ve certainly grown complacent. Due to health issues I’ve had, I feel like I’ve rested enough. To be honest, I feel a bit stuck. Time to push.

What is your One Word for 2016?

fearless, Human Rights, politics, Uncategorized, World

LET’S DISCUSS, BUT FIRST, PLEASE INFORM YOURSELF

Posted on December 12, 2015December 12, 2015 by sassysheisme

I’ve tried to stay neutral most of my life – I am a middle child, after all. Lately, however, I find myself neck-deep in discussions about everything from politics to refugees to my views on Human/Equal Rights.

I don’t particularly care what a person’s opinions are, as long as the opinions are informed by more than TV soundbites or sermons. Recently, I’ve had people argue points about information from documents they haven’t read.

That frustrates me.

I remember years ago someone attacking Harry Potter, insisting that it was an evil story and would lead children to dabble in dark magic. When I asked this person if they had read Harry Potter, the blank stare told me all I needed to know. Their opinion had been formed by someone else, from behind a pulpit in fact, and they were merely spouting misinformed rhetoric from someone else who had also not read the series.

Frustration overload.

Fast-forward to 2015 and the current election cycle. Rhetoric abounds. People are re-spouting what their candidate says, blindly following a person down a road without checking the map themselves.

After Donald Trump said we should keep all Muslims out of the US, period, I was shocked at how many seemingly intelligent people parroted this sentiment. I guess I shouldn’t have been shocked. I’ve been surrounded by people who spout what they’ve been told and taught without challenging the content all my life. I’ve even been that person myself.

I enjoy our world and its varied viewpoints and ideas. I enjoy the discourse and the exchange of opinions – from people who can back up their opinions with facts and who have formed their opinion with knowledge and allow room for other opinions at their table.

Sheeple really bother me, I admit it. When I am discussing a topic – be it controversial, religious, political or otherwise – when a person merely quotes popular rhetoric and has no true opinion of their own, they are like sheep following a shepherd. I can’t have conversations with people when they can’t back up their rhetoric with anything they themselves could bring to the table.

Recently, a person was saying it’s too easy to get into the US for someone seeking political refuge. When I asked them if they had read the vetting process a person or family goes through to get asylum in the US, they said no. When I said that I had, this person immediately went into a defensive position because deep down they knew they couldn’t win their argument. I was armed with facts, they were armed with rhetoric that may or may not be true.

I spent enough time as a Sheeple that I try to have compassion for those still in the blind-following flock. I know many people who follow a doctrine or idea, but they made that choice with knowledge as well as their heart. I do not include those people in the Sheeple category.

Sheeple can be controlled by fear tactics and they believe what they are told and they are encouraged not to think for themselves. I went to a pastor once and asked him about something he said in a sermon. I couldn’t find what he said in the Bible and that concerned me because he had said that’s where he got his information from.

He said:

It’s not your job to think for yourself. How dare you challenge me? It’s my job to tell you what this Book says. It’s your job to believe what I interpret from this Book! Why do you even carry that Book with you? I am the pastor – I interpret what it says and you follow it!

That is a true story. It happened to me. I left that church not long after. Sadly, many people did exactly as he said. They didn’t open their Bibles and read it for themselves. They followed his leadership 100% without question. When I questioned him, word spread quickly and I was old-school shunned. I was dangerous.

I had a difficult time fitting into ministry positions because I was a woman and because I questioned what I was being told nearly 100% of the time. I finally had to leave the institution behind so I could do actual ministry without having to defend and excuse my gender or my brain.

I am in charge of changing my mind. I fact-gather. I ponder. I examine all sides of an idea. I make up my own mind. I will reiterate what I’ve said many times – I don’t care what you believe as long as it’s your belief. If you have gathered facts, wrestled with what your belief really means, and your belief is truly yours and not someone else’s you and I could likely have a civil conversation – if your goal isn’t to change my mind or win.

Changing this woman’s mind… that’s another discussion.

advocate, badassery, commentary, community, fearless, politics, Uncategorized

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT, OR RATHER, THAT YOU THINK

Posted on December 5, 2015 by sassysheisme

Politics, tragedy, religion, guns, nationality and so many more subjects are polarizing, especially in America. I’ve seen families, friends, and communities torn apart because of deeply held beliefs. Rarely, but thankfully, I have found a few people in my life who can hold deeply held beliefs and still have conversations about the aforementioned subjects and still remain civil and friendly afterward.

I know I’ve been unfollowed, unfriended, branded, and abandoned because of my deeply held beliefs, and I know I’ve unfollowed, unfriended, branded and abandoned others for the same reasons.

Lately, I’ve even been branded as dangerous. Dangerous? For having different beliefs? For challenging long-held, deeply-entrenched beliefs and opinions? Yes.

If I am being labeled dangerous for challenging the status quo of beliefs and thoughts and a lifetime of opinion, know that I relish it. I’d rather be known as someone who examines, inspects, interrogates, and thinks her way through life rather than accepting everything I’m told, skimming over issues to promote an opinion that’s only mine because I carry it forward for someone else. I’ve lived a lifetime of promoting other agendas because of a sense of duty to what I’ve been told and indoctrinated to believe. I’m finished with that part of my life.

The extraordinary state of thinking for myself was a hard-fought battle. I’d go so far as calling the battle for my own beliefs and opinions a war. Not only did I have to figure out what I truly believed, I had to fight for my right to express that belief and opinion freely. That’s a war I’m still fighting, because I’m dangerous, you see.

Throughout history, the people in the masses who think for themselves have been labeled as dangerous, especially women. The awakening of owning a thought or idea that is truly mine is intoxicating, I’ll admit. The further I pursue my own thoughts and beliefs, the further away from blind obedience to an idea I get, the freer I feel.

I don’t care, really, what a person thinks or believes if I know that they truly have thought, examined, challenged and formed their own thoughts and opinions. All I really care to challenge in a person is that they think for themselves and not follow the masses just because it’s easier and more comfortable to follow the crowd.

A staggering number of people will follow a man in a pulpit, a person on a political soapbox, a person with a certain philosophy – anyone with a message or agenda – without challenging, investigating, examining what the person in charge is saying. If, after study and query, a person agrees with a different ideology than mine, I can respect that.

I have huge issues with people just accepting what another person says without thinking it all through for themselves. That, to me, is a truly dangerous way to live. It’s why certain pastors and politicians have power – they tap into those minds who will follow without question.

People want to belong to something greater than themselves so much, they turn off their mind’s alarm systems: that doesn’t sound/feel right. I don’t think I agree with that, but if I challenge it, I won’t belong anymore. I believe that’s dangerous.

I wanted to belong to something so badly it turned me into a mindless sheep, and I became so judgmental and hurtful as I followed other people’s agenda. I stopped thinking for myself at the cost of losing myself. I put what I wanted/thought/believed over relationships and I believed it was what I should do and because I wanted to belong.

When I started sorting through what I believed and wanted for my life, I know I lost friends. I lost certain membership in communities that don’t like dangerous thinkers in their midst. I’ve actually been old-school shunned for challenging the status quo and asking questions.

Ironically, thinking for myself has opened up my mind enough to allow others to think for themselves. I gladly accept differences in opinions and sometimes challenge people with what they believe to be a differing opinion so I can see their resolve and commitment to their belief. Some would call that devil’s advocate, but I call it investigation.

Personally, I don’t care what a person believes, as long as it is truly a belief that is theirs, forged in thought and investigation and fire. I care more that people think than what they think. I wish that notion went both ways, but it often doesn’t. It’s easier to label me a danger than a free-thinker.

I value the discussions I have with people. I enjoy hearing what other people think, and challenging them to own those beliefs and thoughts. If that labels me as dangerous, know that I don’t mind.

breast cancer, health, S. A. D., tamoxifen

S. A. D. AND TAMOXIFEN WITHDRAWAL

Posted on November 7, 2015 by sassysheisme

I am not a big fan of the fall time change. To be honest, I’m not a fan of time change for daylight “savings” at all.

I grew up in Indiana, where until recently, Daylight Savings Time did not exist. Until I moved to Houston, I had no idea how to change the time on any appliance or vehicle that I owned. The only reason I knew that time had “changed” everywhere else is because network television shows came on later or earlier.

Though I’ve been off Tamoxifen now for 2.5 months and the improvements have been slow but steady, I must now prepare myself for the inevitable effects of S. A. D. – Seasonal Affective Disorder. I know it’s a good thing, a very, very good thing, that I will not be on Tamoxifen while I deal with SAD (dealing with both made winters hell), but I am not looking forward to what the time change brings for me.

A good friend reminded me that SAD was coming and I needed to adjust my expectations of how I’d feel free from Tamoxifen to accommodate what SAD does to me. She’s known me for twenty years and was even my roommate for a time so she has experienced SAD me firsthand. Come Spring, she reminded me, I will really notice the difference between Tamoxifen Me and Free-From-Tamoxifen Me and I needed to be patient with myself (which she knows is a huge challenge for me).

Many people in my life have been waiting for Free-From-Tamoxifen Me. I feel a bit of pressure to perform differently to adjust to their expectations – that I will snap back to the person they remember before I had cancer. I’ll be honest, I don’t want to be the person I was before I had cancer. The Cancer Crucible was awful and merciless, but it changed me forever. Now that I’ve accepted that change, I can’t go back to Pre-Cancer Me. I wouldn’t even know how if I wanted to do so.

One difference during this SAD season is that I will not be on Tamoxifen, which I hope will reduce the fatigue and depression that usually hits me this time of year. I have my artificial sunlight lamp at work and I am moving during the day at my standing desk and I am going on vacation, which will provide a tremendous boost.

Acknowledging my limitations is more difficult than people who don’t have physical or emotional limitations could possibly understand. I am comfortable in my own skin, in my own brain, in my own emotional state. I confront my limitations head-on and try to stay ahead of the oncoming storm. Most of the time, I’m victorious. Sometimes, I am not.

Most people love me anyway and appreciate the effort I still have to exert to go to social gatherings, but there are some who still roll their eyes when I decline an invite. These same people have made snarky comments to me when I do show up at events or gatherings. I chalk that up to their immaturity and lack of empathy, but it’s very difficult for me to let those comments slide when I’ve made significant effort that they cannot possibly understand just to show up. Those comments and judgements make me less inclined to put in the effort if I know those people will be in attendance. I don’t need the drama, especially if I’m already fatigued.

I have more energy now, that’s a fact, but that doesn’t mean I will jump back into the deep end of the social event pool, especially when some types of events or people at those events suck the energy right back out of me. I’m still going to be choosy about what I choose to do and whom I choose to do those things with. It is what it is. Even if all the planets align and it’s the perfect event for me to attend, sometimes, I still can’t and I have to let myself stay in timeout regardless of whether anyone understands that or not.

That said, I want to hang out with my friends, but I need to dial back the expectations for myself – expectations of others be damned. I’m easing back into the fast lane at my own pace, with my own goals, with my own agenda. The only person I have to please is me. It’s amazing how true that statement really is.

Next week, I will be on vacation with my best friend. I have been looking forward to this for countless months. I am thrilled that I will be able to pour more of myself into this time together than I have been able to over the past few years, but I will admit, there are going to be times when I am not going to be able to keep up and I know she will understand that. She’s worth any effort I have to reach deeply for and I know we will have a great time together. Her understanding is worth its weight in gold.

I think the reason I have adjusted to this aspect of my life is because I have adjusted the expectations I have for myself. There is no huge gap between what I want to do and what I can do. I am happier than I’ve ever been because I’ve made that adjustment – and others would be happier if they’d adjust their expectations of me as well. Their happiness, however, is not my responsibility. I can’t change others, I can only change me.

breast cancer, health, tamoxifen

LIFE POST-TAMOXIFEN, 2 MONTHS

Posted on October 22, 2015 by sassysheisme

Today marks the end of my second month of freedom from Tamoxifen. I can honestly say that stopping the consumption of such a life-altering drug has been one of the best choices I’ve made in a long time. I appreciate most having my brain back and having a boost in energy.

This week I have needed my brain to be at it’s best, and it has responded beautifully. If I was still on Tamoxifen, I would no doubt be curled up in a corner of my office sobbing from the stress of not being able to respond. Instead, I have been able to keep up with this week’s blistering pace.

The joint pain has decreased quite a bit. I don’t doubt that the Tamoxifen hasn’t fully left my system, but every day I get closer to feeling fully myself again.

I look forward to the coming months as I continue to regain bits and pieces of me that I’ve lost.

advocate, badassery

THE BIRTH OF BADASSERY ADVOCATE

Posted on October 10, 2015 by sassysheisme

I love humanity. I love their responses and preconceived notions. When I refer to myself as a “badass,” I get mixed responses. Some are inspired by that word, others are offended by it. Badass insinuates, for some people, arrogance (which walks a fine line with confidence), being full of myself, irreverent, and some other words I won’t share.

I think their insinuations are supposed to offend me, when, in my reality, their insinuations inspire me to more badassery.

I used to believe my job in life was to shut up, take orders, and wait for a man to tell me what to do, think and be. I lived, steeped in this belief, for a few decades too long. My true awakening started when I was 39, when I was sitting in a Good Friday service and I felt the compulsion to leave the service and get my first tattoo – “Sassy,” on my back.

That next year I wrote poems like “Forgiveness” and this one:

Those are beginning glimpses of Sassy. I was nowhere near badassery then, but I knew I wanted to be stronger and have more courage. I had no plan. I had no idea one day I’d be telling people I wanted to help them find their roar.

Recently, I’ve had some issues with Tamoxifen (you can read all about it) and other issues in my life. Instead of cowering, I set my mind and went about the task of advocating for myself. Yesterday, after processing a post-advocate victory, I realized that I wanted to, somehow, focus my efforts into helping others feel the way I felt after the validation of having my efforts rewarded.

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I received an immediate and numerous response on my Facebook page. People were truly asking how to make that happen for themselves. When i woke up this morning, I knew I had to do something, even if it was small.

I started a Facebook Page called, “Badassery Advocate” this morning, and have a Twitter handle (@BadasseryAdvo) and an Instagram (BadasseryAdvocate).

My plan is to create a space for universal encouragement. All are welcome – and by all I mean ALL. I do not want to just encourage one particular group of people. I desire to encourage all regardless of religious affiliation, political ideology, race, gender, or sexuality. Badassery is for all.

That being said, posts may have “language” or ideas or concepts a person might not agree with. That’s fine. My new space is a place for being uplifted, not torn down. I will encourage someone to find their badassery even if, especially if, I do not agree with a person philosophically or ideologically. I am not here to judge, convert, or sway. I am here to help people be the best, bravest, badassiest they can be, period.

Not everyone who visits or posts at Badassery Advocate will share the same religion, notions, political ideology, gender, belief, upbringing or truth. That fits with my worldview. I hope to see this idea grow into something bigger than any idea I currently have.

Thank you for journeying with me. On to the new phase!

breast cancer, CANCER, tamoxifen

DEAR TAMOXIFEN, THANK YOU AND GOODBYE

Posted on October 8, 2015 by sassysheisme

Today was the big appointment with my oncologist during which I planned to tell her, vehemently, that I had broken up with tamoxifen, and that I had already noticed a significant improvement in my quality of life. I had my argument planned in my head, had all my answers, research and sass ready. To say I was resolute would have been a huge understatement. I was at peace with this decision and I was ready to live with it and all the consequences.

As it usually happens with me, whenever I am prepared to defend myself or my position – I didn’t have to at all.

My pain, the side effects, everything, was acknowledged. Then she told me that in the last year Texas Oncology has heard the pleas and complaints of the patients under their care and have rolled out an entire program to help patients with their side effects.

I couldn’t hide my surprise. The last time I’d sat in that chair, I was tearfully pleading for help with the nearly debilitating joint pain (among other side effects) and was met with a blank stare and “that’s not my specialty.” I felt that, given that experience, I was in for a lengthy debate to justify my deep, ingrained notion that I was due a better quality of the life that was spared.

Apparently, according to Time Magazine, the entire breast cancer industry is rethinking how they treat DCIS cancers (like the one I had). One patient, Desiree Basila, made this statement:

“What I am doing is not foolproof,” says Basila. “I know that. I also know life is finite and that death is unavoidable. For me it came down to the quality of the life I want to live. I don’t want to be tired and bitchy if I can avoid it. And come what may, I think we really hurt ourselves by trying to just not be dead.”

Just trying not to be dead.

That last sentence stuck with me, and was in my arsenal of defense against the “Tamoxifen machine.”

After explaining how they’re now offering help with side effects, she looked me in the eyes, saw the resolve, and then said, “For your type of cancer and your stage and the size of the tumor, you’ve taken it long enough.”

She glanced down at my chart again. “Your quality of life is too important. You don’t have to take it again.”

I was stunned. I almost started crying, but it would have been an ugly cry, so I sucked it all in as hard as I could.

She agreed with me. I didn’t see that coming!

She stressed good eating, weight loss, continuing my natural therapies (though I know she still doesn’t quite agree with that), and concentrating on improving and enjoying my life.

I cried on the way home, grateful that 1, I didn’t have to take tamoxifen anymore, and 2, that I didn’t have to argue the point. I can’t tell you how gratifying it is to stand up for myself and have it rewarded in the way I wanted, but did not expect.

I will end with this: Tamoxifen, I do thank you for what protection and prevention you have given me. I will not, however, miss you, be sentimental about our time together, or yearn for the life-sucking “good ol days.” I am more than happy to leave you behind!

choice, death, guns

THE ONLY THING I WANT TO SHOOT OFF IS MY MOUTH

Posted on October 3, 2015 by sassysheisme

When I got into my car on Thursday, I heard these words on CNN, “school shooting,” and “10 dead.” I thought, my God, not again. Not again. I drove home with tears in my eyes. It’s so difficult for me to believe that in the 14 years since the Columbine shootings shocked the nation that we are still dealing with school shootings at all.

In 2006, the Nickel Mines Amish school shooting shocked the nation because an unstable man decided to take out his insanity on a group of pacifist children in a one-room schoolhouse. The Amish community stunned the nation with their outpouring of forgiveness and support of the shooter’s widow.

Newtown brought me to my knees. Victims were so little. I was horrified. The US was horrified. The world was horrified.

This list of school shootings in America is mind blowing. School shootings are are old as the United States.

That is just the list of school shootings. Gun violence in America is as old as our right to bear arms. We are the only modernized, civilized, advanced country in the world who has a problem with gun violence.

I don’t pretend to have any answers for this issue. I know there will never be a ban on weapons in this country, and I’m not sure I’d ever want one. Still, gun control is essential. I truly believe that.

I posted this to Twitter and Facebook when I got home Thursday. Some people were supportive, others not so much. I see both sides. At this point, however, I would give up my right to bear arms if it meant gun violence would decrease. Sure, criminals will always be able to gain access to things we as the general population are prohibited to have. Still, maybe if law enforcement had only to go after criminals and not worry about the general population’s armaments, maybe the amount of guns in the hands of criminals would also decrease.

The argument that the criminals would have guns and you and I wouldn’t does not apply in the case of these school shootings. These mentally ill people are not criminals until they carry out their plans. If a school shooter walks in with a knife instead of a gun, would the carnage be as bad? Perhaps not. It’s something to think about anyway.

I grew up shooting all sorts of guns, shotguns, even a musket gun. I have shot targets, birds, and bats. I know how to use a gun safely. My dad always kept the bullets in a separate place from the guns, but we always knew where they were. I never thought about using a gun to defend myself from someone else with a gun, or anyone else for that matter. Guns were for hunting. Shooting targets. Shooting bats. Not people.

I remember a neighbor of ours had a teenage son who killed his cousin when he accidentally discharged a gun. I remember the grief he went through, that his family went through, because of this accident. I see news stories all the time of toddlers shooting a parent or sibling by accidentally discharging a gun they could readily access. Guns are too plentiful and handled carelessly.

About 8 years ago, I was hosting a Bible study in my apartment and a guy walked in with a gun tucked in the back of his pants. When I confronted him about it, he said it was his right to defend himself and carry a gun. I told him to put it in the car, or leave my apartment – which was a loaded gun free zone. Yes, recently, people have been shot during a Bible study in a church in Charleston. Still, the odds of someone knocking on my door and taking us all out with a gun are so remote I decided I’d take my chances. He did not understand why I asked him to put the gun away, but he honored my request.

As for defending myself against a person with a gun – if I had a gun, I doubt I could shoot another human being, even to save my own life. I have a knife, a taser, and a pepper-spray gun. I also have something that most people don’t think of when it comes to self defense – I have my wits and my mouth. I know I can shoot off my mouth when I need to do so. I know I can convince people to do just about anything. Maybe, just maybe, I can convince a person not to shoot me. If I can’t, then it’s my time to go.

I find it ironic that many of the people who want open carry laws and the right to own and use as many guns as possible are offended and outraged that I would even hint that I’d give up my right to bear arms to decrease gun violence, because the right to bear arms is their right, their choice. They are outraged the government may take away their rights or choices, but many of these people believe it is their right to tell a woman what to do with her body and reproductive system. They believe the LGBT community has no rights. Just don’t try to take any of their rights away.

Somewhere in that big, tangled mess of rights, privileges, and choices is the answer. I just don’t know what it is. I always try to honor other people’s opinions, I stay civil in discourse, yet people jump all over me and very enthusiastically tell me I’m going to hell or worse, misinformed, but we all have opinions.

What we don’t have right now in the middle of this hot mess are answers, solutions.

I encourage everyone to put down their “rights” and “choices” and take a step back to become part of the solution. Who knows, maybe there will be a solution where everyone gets what they want. We won’t know until we try.

community, technology

SOMETIMES, I GREATLY DISLIKE MY CELL PHONE

Posted on September 6, 2015 by sassysheisme

At some point, we all take a technology detox involuntarily – that weekend where we’re out camping and can’t get a good signal or are stuck on a plane for hours, or voluntarily – when we go dark and just shut off the phone and computer for our own sanity.

I do both from time to time.

I’m 46 years old and I remember when, if I left the house, I was off the grid. No one could find me. Unless someone else was home, no one could leave a message for me. Instead of texting the BFF, we passed notes in the hallway between classes. If I wanted to have a conversation longer than 5 minutes, I had to do it in person.

We had a rule in my house that if a conversation could wait until the morning, then I waited to talk to my friends on the bus, in the hallways, or in class if I was feeling particularly brave that day. I did not spend a lot of time on the phone as a teen. Phone service did not include “call waiting” and my Mom loathed the busy signal turning away grownup conversations. Furthermore, my parents paid for the phone service. Their house, their money, their rules.

The phones I used as a teen. I had to dial with a pencil because sometimes fingers would get stuck.

I received my first cell phone in 2003. I was 34 years old. It was a Nextel push-to-talk model and what a novelty it was to be able to hear from someone when I was not at home. “Hey, we’re watching a movie at 8, come on over.” “Sally’s sick and we need to go to the doctor, can you come watch the baby?” or my favorite, when my phone was in my purse under my desk at work (a church), “This is Satan. How may I ruin your day?”

Having a cell phone was so much fun. I was connected to people in a way I never had been before, available 24-7 for good times (“we’re having a baby!”) and bad times (“I’ve been in a wreck, can you come get me?”). In a very short time, this method of communication became a necessity and not a privilege or other option.

Twelve years later, there are times I want to throw the damn cell phone out the window.

I like sleep. There have been times I get non-emergency texts after midnight and even if they are from other time zones, I wonder, “why does this person not think I might be asleep?”
1. I have set a Do Not Disturb rule that will silence texts from 10 PM – 8 AM, and I am thinking of expanding that to 9 AM. It’s not personal. It’s self-defense.
Facebook (other social media) notification stalking.
1. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I might check Facebook and read a bit before I fall back to sleep, or so I can fall back to sleep. This does not mean I am up for a conversation! The Facebook stalking must stop! (if I had a dollar for every time someone did this to me). If you get alerts whenever I post something or like something, do not think I am coherent enough for conversation, especially from 10 PM – 9 AM. And on weekends – not until 11 at least!
I do not hear as well as other people, and I was born that way. Out of the 5 ranges of hearing, I have the middle 3 and those are deteriorating as I get older.
1. I prefer talking on a regular handset because that cups around my ear and I can hear more clearly. Talking on the cell phone is painful unless I am in my car on the bluetooth, on speaker or wearing headphones.
2. If a person is soft-spoken or can’t enunciate, I can’t understand them when I am on a cell phone. Saying “Huh” 101 times when a text will suffice is not my idea of fun or effective communication. I can’t read their lips to aid in the process of understanding if I can’t see them. (yes, this is why, in a noisy room, I am often looking at your lips rather than your eyes).
I am what Meyers-Briggs terms an INFJ. I use my words sparingly and I greatly value my alone, recharging time.
1. I do not like being available to everyone all the time. I can’t do it. I tried it, it wore me out.
2. If I do not answer your text or phone call or like your FB post, it’s not personal. I haven’t had time to do so, or I really just want to enjoy my quiet time a little longer.
3. If I do not answer your text or phone call right away, I am not avoiding you, persecuting you, angry with you, or punishing you. I may get angry with you if you ask if my silence or non-talkativeness indicates anger toward you. My silence is about me almost 100% of the time.
4. I don’t even talk on the phone with my BFF, who is also an INFJ. We text, we have our own chatroom on FB, we SnapChat, and occasionally, we will talk via video features on the iPhone or SnapChat. We are closer than ever.
5. Did I mention it’s not personal?
I do enjoy talking – in person. I love meeting new people, hearing their stories, and telling my own. When I go home, to my haven, however, speaking is a communication mode of last resort.

My phone is not surgically sewn to my hand. I put it down – often – and walk away from it. If I cannot have a life without this phone, this connectivity, it’s not good for me at all. I am not bound to it (and believe me, I used to be). I used to sleep with the phone so I would be able to respond to it 24-7. After all, if one does not answer texts and phone calls, people eventually stop calling, right? And while sometimes this is true, I don’t need to be connected to people who NEED to be connected to me that much.

I feel sorry for people who cannot have a conversation in person with another person without grabbing that phone to check it. If I have come out of my haven to spend time with you, the biggest insult you can give me is to give that time to someone else on the other end of a phone for something that could definitely wait until I have left your presence.

I want to expand on the other reasons I do not rush to answer texts or return phone calls. I suppose it’s because I was born before the 24-7 connected age, but I do not want to be 24-7 connected (except maybe with the BFF).

Reasons why/things I may be doing while not returning your text/phone call:

I am in the bathroom.
I am driving.
I’m at work (baffles me how people don’t get how this is a boundary).
I am working on a photography/writing/creative project and I do not want to stop to chat.
I am with someone else. (I can’t believe how many people have conversations with other people while sitting with me, let me just say that will happen with me ONE time).
I am not Google.
I cannot adult today.
I cannot person today.
I am reading a book.
I’m meditating.
I’m on vacation, on a trip, on a sabbatical.
I’m being examined by a doctor.
I am cleaning.
I am cooking.
I am taking photos with my phone.
I am playing a game.
I am folding laundry.
I am doing yoga.
I am with the BFF in person.
I am living my life.

Nothing in this post is written to offend, and no examples are aimed at one person because more than one person has done this to me in 12 years’ time. If you do, however, feel a pang of something, try putting your phone down for an hour and walking away from it. If you have an issue with this, you might want to think about your need for the cell phone.

I love hearing from people – via text or otherwise. Just give me the courtesy of answering you when it’s convenient for me, whether that be in 5 minutes or an hour or a day. Technology is there for my convenience, and I will keep it at arm’s length to keep it that way.

It’s not personal.