COVID19 – Sassy Dreams Awake

community, COVID, health, Pandemic Social Distancing

Spent

Posted on October 2, 2022 by sassysheisme

While the rest of the abled/healthy world forges on to recapture “normal,” people like me are trying to accept we’ll never have normal again. As long as COVID flows and mutates along unchecked, I’ve found myself limited in many ways I didn’t have to face before.

I’m exhausted. Spent. Sick of trying to navigate the world as an immunosuppressed person while nearly everyone else around me moves on. Goes to restaurants. Movies. Concerts. Attends major events. Wonders why I decline invites and don’t attend.

Years from now, when we have long COVID statistics that so many who are currently running around uninhibited may likely be dealing with, we will also have data on the mental toll that COVID has taken on those of us who have had to hunker down and live in virtual isolation because of a mishandled pandemic and the rush of most of those we know to put something, that will be ongoing for a long while, behind them.

If anyone thinks I don’t want to go eat IN a restaurant or sit at the bar with friends and watch the game, you’re wrong. See a major movie in a theater? I’d love to. Travel without a mask? Yep. Go to a concert and not worry that I’m going to test positive in a few days? Absolutely. If anyone thinks I like curbside pickup or delivery all the time instead of going into a store…. okay, you would be right about that one.

I’ve done everything I can do personally to move forward, but I’m limited, and that’s extremely difficult for me. As I sit and listen to so many I know talk about symptoms of long COVID (while many refuse to label it so), I wonder why they don’t realize why I don’t want it. I don’t even want to chance it if I can avoid it. And I do want to avoid long COVID.

Someone I know who saw me out with my mask on told me that I was the smart one. Meanwhile, he did not have a mask on, nor did anyone in the area crowd around me (and more than one had had COVID recently). I wondered why, if I was the smart one, he wouldn’t wear a mask, too. I’m sure there are many reasons, but I’m not sure I would understand most of them.

I, like so many other vulnerable people, want to rejoin the world with you, but we can’t without a little help and compassion. For now, I will create my own world and boundaries, and if you can’t keep them, please understand my distance.

COVID, holidays, Pandemic Social Distancing, Work From Home

NYE 2021, or, I Can’t Believe We’re Still in This Mess

Posted on December 31, 2021 by sassysheisme

Today is Pandemic Social Distancing Day 655 or so. It’s hard to gauge these days. I just spent a staycation of nearly two weeks at home, not doing much because, COVID.

I did manage to fit in a real vacation to California in November in between COVID waves. I was super careful, wore my mask dutifully, and had received my third full Moderna vaccine (and the flu vaccine) before I went.

I felt safer in California. Everyone wears masks. To get into an event, you have to present your vaccine card and ID and wear a mask 100% of the time inside. Nobody fights it. People do what they need to do to protect themselves and their neighbors. I still don’t understand why this basic thing is so difficult for some, especially since it’s the main reason we are still in the midst of this pandemic and it’s the worst it’s ever been.

I try to stay positive. I get outdoors, I talk to people, I work. I routinely allow myself self care – everything from splurging on nice wine or buying facial products to pamper myself. I do what I have to do, but I’ll admit, it’s difficult sometimes.

Last year, I felt like we’d be closer to “normal” at this point than we are. We are so far away from it and so many don’t want to admit it, but it’s true.

As I close in on my 53rd birthday, I try not to get angry or mourn what I’ve lost the last couple of years. This is no way to live for a person like me. I need to travel. See people I love. Meet new people. Experience. Feel.

Whatever 2022 brings, I’ve decided one important thing – whatever normal was, I don’t want it back. I want a new normal that doesn’t include a pandemic. I know I need to live differently, try a different path, do whatever it takes to feed my soul. I’m closer, thanks to this pandemic, to figuring that out, because I’ve done without my normal long enough to know I don’t want it back – not completely.

For me, 2022 will be me bringing about my new normal regardless of what is happening around me, and as always, moving forward no matter how tiny the steps are.

May this new year bring you peace and hope.

CANCER, community, COVID, Grief, Pandemic Social Distancing, relationships

Impromptu Immunocompromised Support Group

Posted on October 15, 2021October 15, 2021 by sassysheisme

I had my oncologist checkup today. The doctor was running way behind. I was in the waiting room for nearly an hour, I didn’t mind. I started a Covidiot Support Group while I waited.

There were three of us waiting. All of us got to talking about dealing with the unmasked and unvaccinated and the choices we have to make with people, especially those close to us.

One has had to tell family to stay away for about a year now. They are angry with her because they can’t come visit her toddlers or their son, but they flat out refuse to get vaccinated or wear masks. This lady is undergoing chemo and literally has a chemo port sticking out of her chest. She is immunocompromised and is taking care of herself. Instead of understanding, the family tells her she’s selfish for keeping the family apart, making her the bad guy and telling all who will listen how selfish she is. Projection is a mofo.

Two has had similar issues because she’s also immunocompromised and she has an 11 year old in school (who, if it’s not already available to him, will get a Covid shot for his 12th birthday). She has relatives who don’t care if she’s compromised, they want to see the kid who can transmit it to her easily. I don’t envy that tight rope. She’s had to be the selfish bad guy, too.

Two’s kid attends HISD, which defied a gubernatorial mandate to not mandate that which has been scientifically proven to reduce cases – masks. Because of masks, HISD kids are less at risk. HISD has roughly 197,000 students and 27,000 employees. As of today, community control has been achieved with less than 200 cases in HISD per day. Masks. Work.

Me? I’ve had to draw some boundaries with people, and damn, is it difficult. I am immunocompromised. I have to keep these boundaries in place. There are unvaccinated people all around me. If you want to see me, you wear a mask, we go outside, and you have to be vaccinated. Period. Dot. It flabbergasts me how people can take my desire to be healthy personally, but they do.

I am not selfish, I’m practicing self-care. I am diligent. I am doing whatever it takes to stay healthy so I can live my life to the fullest. I am not the bad guy. How can I be the bad guy when all I’ve done is draw a line that requires someone to do something free (that will protect them also) or wear a piece of cloth on their face so they don’t potentially make me ill? I had some unvaccinated people socially distance visit and wear masks. They obeyed those boundaries (this was before Delta). They worked with me. I love them for that. I’ve had to get stricter as the virus gets worse.

Interestingly enough, when I was going through cancer treatment and had to be extra careful then, some had no issues doing whatever it took so they could come see me and love on me. I did the same for my brother when he had leukemia. I had to wash my hands to my elbows, wear gloves and I wore the mask and I did it with all the love in my heart so I could be with him.

The difference now? I can’t wrap my brain around it, because I think it will hurt more than I want it to. There are some people, however, who love in words and not in action. And right now, I need the action. One, Two and I need that action, intent and sacrifice, and trust me, we rarely, if ever, ask for it.

Now we’re asking for it and we will continue to do so because in our cases, it’s not about them. It is about us. Our health and well being, which includes our mental health.

One and Two were pretty pumped up when I went back to the doctor’s office. So was I. It’s been a long haul. I’ve lost people to Covid, and I still can’t believe they’re gone. No funerals. No memorials. We’ve all been through a lot and there is a clear path to victory but only the selfish bad guys seem to want to get there (which includes those who are vaxxed to protect themselves and others).

I get it, some can’t be vaxxed, and they need the same boundaries I do because of it. I feel for them. I’m sure some treat them like selfish bad guys. To those choosing not to be vaxxed, these are the boundaries we have to have to stay healthy. Please don’t take it personally. We love you, we really do. We’d like to stay healthy so we can come see you again one day. Hopefully sooner than later.

I am so grateful for those who are doing whatever it takes for me to have a safe trip for me to see my Bestie and my family next month, and who do whatever it takes to hang out every now and then. I am worth a piece of cloth over their mouth and nose. Why is that so hard to say? Why do I have to say it?

One day, this pandemic will be in the rearview mirror but the boundaries for some may not be. I will continue to stay healthy, including my mental health. I will continue to evolve. I’ve learned so much during this pandemic. Upward and onward.

community, COVID, politics

I Celebrate, Even by Myself

Posted on August 21, 2021August 21, 2021 by sassysheisme

Today is pandemic social distancing day 526. COVID-19 is just as bad here as it was last winter, a viral fire fueled by misinformation and a variant tearing through the unvaccinated population that has chosen freedom without responsibility.

One day, those that spread misinformation and mistrust to further their own political aspirations will be held accountable one way or the other. I believe that. One day, we’ll peel back the layers and discover what made a portion of our population vulnerable to that misinformation. There are many theories, and I believe many causes. As a nation, we have much to examine and repair. Moreover, we have a great deal of healing to do.

A couple of months ago, I bought a very nice bottle of wine. Barrel aged for two years, smooth, delicious. I was saving it for a special occasion, but by the time I truly will get to share it with anyone, it will likely go bad.

Therefore, tonight I opened my aged, fine wine. I am celebrating being vaccinated, socially distanced, and safe. I know I have chosen the right path for myself and for others. I will continue the same course of action until it’s safe to open another bottle, another time, with others.

advocate, commentary, Pandemic Social Distancing

Vaccination

Posted on April 11, 2021 by sassysheisme

Last Thursday, I received the second dose of my Moderna COVID vaccine. I was so relieved, I cried. Honestly, OVERWHELMINGLY relieved. It’s one step closer to being closer to whatever normal was 16 months ago.

When I hear people say they don’t want/need the vaccine, my heart breaks. These are the same people who want “normal” back, they want everything open and to move on with their lives, but they don’t want the vaccine.

I know people have their reasons. Fear. Side effects. They live where they don’t think they’ll need it. Blind obedience to someone who says they don’t need it. Religion. Whatever. Reasons.

This pandemic has already dragged out longer than it’s needed to. A year ago, we had the opportunity to nip this virus, but instead, America chose it’s “freedoms.”

On my left shoulder, you can still see my smallpox vaccine scar. Not long after I received mine, they stopped giving them to children. Why? With the vaccine, they had eradicated smallpox in this country and most places in the world. When the polio vaccine was offered in the 1950’s, people lined up to get the vaccine. Why? Because it was effective and protective against polio. Less than ten years later, polio was all but gone, and by the 1970’s, polio was no longer a threat.

Why is COVID different? Why has the attitude toward public health changed? Why don’t those choosing not to get the vaccination care about themselves or others? It’s baffling. Truly baffling. I remember being required to prove I’d been vaccinated against a myriad of diseases not nearly as viral or as deadly as COVID to go to school/college. A COVID vaccine is just one more for the list.

We’re headed toward the exit of this pandemic, but we are not there yet. To protect myself and those I love, I cannot, in good conscience, visit or reconnect with people who aren’t vaccinated yet. Those who refuse the vaccination, I may not get to see you for a while. I hope you understand. I have to look out for my own health, and if you won’t, I have to draw the line.

The CDC says I can travel domestically. I can have small gatherings with other vaccinated peeps. Science says not to put the masks away just yet. Keep doing what kept me healthy so far.

I’ve lived part of my life following, and somewhere I crossed over to living on the edge and leading the way. Trying new things and boldly going places I’ve never been. To me, choosing to be vaccinated is one of my boldest choices. I follow the science.

I hope more people choose the vaccine down the line, once they’ve seen its effectiveness. I want to put this pandemic in my rearview mirror, and the only way to do that is to fight it with methods we know that work – distancing, vaccines, masks.

Vaccines work. I have the smallpox vaccine scar to prove it.

Pandemic Social Distancing, photowalk

Pandemic Social Distancing, Day 365 – One Year of WTF

Posted on March 14, 2021 by sassysheisme

A year ago, I came home from the office for the last time, not knowing how long this newly minted pandemic would last. In all honesty, I was thinking by the fall, we’d all be back to “normal.” I couldn’t grasp anything longer than a few months.

One year later, with thousands of new cases still being reported every day, at least we have vaccines and a rollout plan. I have one of my two doses of the Moderna vaccine and am waiting until after the second one achieves full potency and then… I have no idea what I’m going to do.

The possibilities aren’t endless, but at least there are possibilities. Photo walks with friends, riding in the same car with no masks on, going to a restaurant and sitting down inside, and most of all, HUGS. ONE YEAR WITHOUT HUGS.

So much has changed in the world and stayed the same in my life. I work from home now, and probably will to some degree for some time. I haven’t traveled since 2019 and can’t wait to pick some place to go even if I have to drive for days and not fly. Vaccinations are opening up some of the world.

I struggle to understand why someone would not want the vaccine but still wants to continue to live life as if that didn’t matter to everyone around them. The longer people reject the vaccine, the longer the pandemic will go on. By fall there could be variants that affect all of us because of the unvaccinated. I encourage everyone to get the vaccine as soon as they can. Please. It is the best way forward.

One year. 365 days. 525,600 minutes. Each one precious. I don’t consider the last year a waste, but a learning experience. Much of my future is actually clearer than it has been. I know that I don’t want to waste any more days or minutes. I’m hopeful there won’t be a day 730 social distancing.

Stay tuned.

CANCER, commentary, Grief, holidays, Pandemic Social Distancing, Uncategorized

In Like a Lamb, Out Like a Lion

Posted on December 31, 2020 by sassysheisme

I can’t believe we are at the end of 2020. I started off the year by choosing “Roar” as my One Word 365 choice. Little did I know I would not be the one roaring my way through the year, but COVID 19 would instead.

Today is social distancing day 291. Trying to bring my thoughts together is difficult, simply because the circumstances of my life haven’t really changed from day to day. I had so many plans for my staycation, but mostly all I’ve done is survive. That, my friends, is a worthy goal achieved. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

Last night, I took a late call from a friend who lost her mother to a savage, quick-spreading cancer. We talked about all COVID had taken from us, robbed from us in broad daylight. Though she was able to have the final, precious moments with her mother, her confidante, her best friend, she was robbed of all the moments she could have had if she had been able to visit her in the hospital the last few weeks. My aunt could have had her family visit her and not leave her wondering if everyone was dead because they weren’t coming to see her. My aunt didn’t understand. My friend doesn’t understand. I don’t understand.

None of us understand.

COVID has robbed me of visits, precious time with my family. Some aren’t getting any younger, and some are getting older at a pace that if you blink, so much is missed. Kids are missing the camaraderie of choir, sports, clubs, and special dances. The adults are missing some semblance of preciously needed down time. Others are missing company. We are all missing something.

Yet there are still people out there who complain about masks or doing anything to prevent COVID for their neighbor. Even if it was only symbolic and not effective, as they claim, they still show their selfishness putting their supposed inconvenience against showing they care for their neighbors, their families, OUR families.

One of my childhood “Dads” passed from COVID recently. Two more adults from my childhood have died as well in the same time period, and while they may not have passed from COVID, COVID is robbing the families of proper funerals, robbing them from the normal first steps of the grief journey.

Compassion is free. Kindness costs nothing. Empathy means you are emotionally mature enough to realize it’s NOT ABOUT YOU because you’ve felt someone else’s pain and you can understand what someone’s going through. Our country is full of people who cannot muster any of those three emotional states or actions. That’s one of many frightening revelations COVID has shown me about America in 2020.

I am hopeful, that as vaccines are distributed (disturbingly slow) that COVID, the great thief, becomes COVID the great professor of how to human better. Many lessons yet to learn, many battles yet to fight, but we made it to this point in time. A time to look back (20/20) and a time to look forward.

I haven’t chosen a “One Word” for 2021. I don’t know if I will or not. After all, I chose the voice of a lion for a year that began hopeful and bright that turned into a roaring storm that has tossed me about while staying rooted in the same place for way too long. I need to think more carefully and reflect on lessons learned in 2020 that began like a lamb, and is ending as a rain-soaked roaring lion.

Pandemic Social Distancing

Pandemic Social Distancing, Day 214

Posted on October 17, 2020 by sassysheisme

I’ve been mocked by how seriously I take my COVID precautions. I’m not an alarmist. Anyone who tells you COVID not serious or that you don’t have to be careful, or it’s just like the flu, hasn’t experienced COVID personally or known anyone who has or they’ve just been super lucky.

It’s personal now. I hate that it’s personal now. COVID can affect the lungs and heart (and so many other things) long after a negative test. I’ve known this in my head. Now I know it for a fact. I hope none of you have to learn this the hard way either personally or because of someone you know and cared about.

No, I don’t have COVID. And I will continue to be super cautious so I don’t get it. Monday, my doctor cautioned me that the next wave is coming and implored me not to relax, to not let my guard down. Hunker down, get to the other side.

No matter the intention or diligence, the only person I can trust to take care of me and ensure that the right precautions are taken is me.

Today is day 214, and I’m not sure I can do a video today without weeping, screaming or begging. Maybe I’ll try later. I don’t know. I’m still upset. The mixture of emotions – knowing COVID ultimately ended the life of someone I knew, wondering how long we have to wait for the politics to be extracted from this virus and wondering how long until I can safely see people and hug people and just relax outside of my bubble – it’s all so overwhelming right now.

I’m grateful I am able to work from home and I have everything I need in my bubble. I plan on living a long life. I have too much to do and see and experience and I will never take any of that for granted again.

Please, please take COVID seriously. I don’t if care I’m mocked anymore. I know I’m doing what’s right for me and those around me. When I get to the other side of this season, I will have no regrets.